In elementary school, I liked hanging out with guys more since I was a tomboy back then and towards the end of elementary school, I hanged out with girls more. During that time, I would notice both sexes attractiveness, and did not know what the feelings meant. But I knew that thinking a girl was cute is a problem. However, in middle school, I found a guy that I actually really liked for the first time and knew that I wanted to be more than friends with him. And again, thinking back on it,I liked him for the wrong reasons- maybe I felt that I finally found someone who's mother is not in the picture either, or that I like that he would ignore me or counted on me only when he needed help . The dumb crush lasted for a longtime; throughout 7th to about 10th grade, but it would only happen when I saw him and completely ended when I realized how much of a loser he was since he emotionally cheats on his gf. Anyways at the same time, I had this guy crush, I had my first real female crush. We were on the same basketball team and she was in her last year of middle school when I noticed her. We had played basketball together for a season, and I noticed how extremely beautiful she was one day at practice. The team was playing a scrimmage game, I was sitting on the step above her. I asked her a question about what was happening in the game or something, and the moment she turned to me, I felt nervous, excited, extremely warm- something I have never felt for anyone. During the conversation, it felt like it was only me and her in the room. I was taken by her beauty and how nice she was that I completely forgot what she was saying. But after that day, I did not talk to her again but I would look (not stare, let's not get weird) during games or training and that was about it since after that, the season was over and everyone on the team went back to interacting with people from their grade at school. I ignored thoughts about her and was disgusted that I would like a girl, and the thoughts stopped when she graduated and I went back to crushing only on the guy. Now enter high school, I had been wanting to tell the guy how I felt but I knew his answer, plus, I always felt something off when I thought about being with him/ a guy for the rest of my life, I would ask myself if I could see myself with a female, and the answer would be yes. But then I asked myself, would the whole world accept it and would I be able to deal with hater, and the answer was no. So I kept trying to think that I would only like males. And I only secretly had small crushes on females- like thinking they were hot/cute. Then I finally acceptable my sexual orientation recently because I realized I like girls and boys and it was okay in this age to be who I am. I am out to two of my closest friends that I have known for almost a decade, and they are helping me deal with this girl crush I have at my school. They are wonderful friends, but at the end of the day, I want to be with that girl that I can see myself with even through the painful bullying by haters or family not accepting me for who I am: a bisexual. Yet I do not find the need to come out to the whole world or even school yet since I do not have a girlfriend to fight the possible hatred with me. And I came out to one guy, who identifies as gay, and he told one of the close friends of mine that he just thinks that I am confused and I am worried that he has told other people about my orientation also. I am not ready to tell the world. :tears: And I think a classmate of mine suspects that I like that girl and has told her that I like her. I am not sure and am too scared to ask just in case she didn't and I just heard wrong. But I think my female crush (which I think is straight but not sure) does not care since she still talks and interacts with me but I started to pull back more because stupid me, when I really like someone and think they know, I start backing off in fear of being vulnerable.
Don't worry(*hug*), you're not alone most of us here at EC have been in similar situations. Try to avoid falling in love with straight girls that will usually result in disappointment. Be careful when coming out, if you come out to someone try to make sure they know you're serious and be careful that they won't react in a violent way. If you need help, talk to a school counselor, teacher, or your parents. If you haven't come out to your parents try to, but be careful if your parents are homophobic you should try to avoid coming out to them.
Agreeing with Clancularius. We have all been in similar situations and have been told that we're just confused or going through a phase. Talking to someone you trust will help a lot. Most of the fear comes from within, once you have accepted yourself, you wouldn't put stock into what others might say or think. In your case, even if the word gets out, neither confirm nor deny the rumors. Just let it add the air of mystery. And you don't have to come out until you are ready. All the best
