It was a weekago today.. I found myself in the arms of a very very very dear friend. I value his friendship and love him so much however due to our proximity, we now only get to see each other twice a year! repeatedly he has made casual comments of how greatly he admires me..says i am the right kind of woman to cherish and marry one day if he could... I have never allowed our friendship to exceed any boundaries outside of maybe two ocassions where alcohol was involved and a kiss was shared. Other than those times he has always been an absolute gentleman. Actually more than a gentleman.. is very attractive(some claim him to be a mat daemond lookalike at times) and treats me with the most amout of respect I could ever imagine.. would do anything for me.. I am not attracted to him . . Any straight woman would be a fool to turn this guy down..He, up until last week was not aware of my attraction to women. Lately(prior to this event) my feelings have strengthened even more for women leaving me to wonder if I have ever trully deep down ever been attracted to men?? When overwhelmed with his greatness as a natural being .. not making any passes at me just simply being himself, I tried to tamper with that friends boundary again(thinking I'm a fool for not giving this guy a chance).. instantaneously I know i was wrong.. I felt grose inside .. and knew it wasn't right.. Being the perfect gentleman he respected my decison to al of a sudden hault things..before anything really happened. he respeted my decision so much to even say I would never want to do anything to ruin or harm our friendship.. but will always be attracted to me .. will always love me .. would be patient forever..saying "i told you i'd marry you if i could" but would never have me wait around .. how un fiar that was to me .. My heart broke inside Deep inside me, my gut kept twisting & turning .. and this voice in my head kept saying you gotta tell him .. he's gott a know.. your not going to see him till next year .. by then you may have outted your self to the whole world.. he can't be the last to know,,, so i started with .. telling him how i cherished him & our frienship.. then said haven't you ever wondered why we have never really crossed those firend boundaries.. how we could hold eachother & cuddle- and nothing more. and before he could elabourate anyfurther with why it was okay to wait.. I told him there was an unavoidable reason I could not be with him .. and I said "if given the choice between women & men, I'd choose women.. " He was so suprised.. shocked & disappointed But still only after maybe 30 seconds was his amazing self supportive & told me it didn'tchange ourfriendishp That he still loves me.. asked me a few breif questions a few moments later,, but was overall amazing It felt right.. I felt so goood about him knowing. i've been really wan't to tell my parents & i knowe telling this dearfriend was kind of a stepping stone.. That day wasa great.. Then this whole week has been like an emotional roller coaster.. (and Its not that time of the moth) Im starting to question myself .. can't sleep in my own bed.. all over the map .. I can't sleep right now..
Hi there! First of all welcome to EC! You have come to the right place. Congratulations on coming out to your friend. It must have taken a lot of courage to let him know, knowing the feelings that he has for you. It sounds like that your friendship will perhaps become deeper as a result. Even though you have come out to a few people, and felt that it was right and had a sense of relief, perhaps there are still some parts of you that try to 'undo' what you are doing and question it. Even though you have identified yourself as a lesbian, it is possible that you are still trying to come to terms with it fully. Know that feeling emotional and edgy are feelings that we all are having from time to time. You are trying to change things. You are trying to be even more open with others about yourself, and that in itself can bring about quite a bit of emotional stress. At the same time, and at some level, it is possible that you might be having or developing some feelings for him as well and now it is a matter of sorting through them and trying to understand them. We can have different levels of attractions/attachments to different people. Perhaps this is the reason why you have started to question yourself. Sexual identities are not static. They can change over time. As you go through your emotions and experiences you will figure it out. Maybe try not to label your self at this stage. Have you considered talking to a councilor? From my own experience, talking to a counselor has been very helpful to sort through my emotions and feelings. Talking about your feelings and emotions can help you to understand them better and what it all means. Try to take it one day at a time. I hope this helps a bit!
Thank you so much for your reply. It has helped. I have decided to take it one day at a time, and I feel better in doing so. Also, as I was exploring on here, I came across a link that eventually led me to an Open united church in my area that I otherwise would not have known about. I will take your adivise to look for a councellor, however I am thrilled beyond what words can describe that I can go to a place of worship and feel comfortable in my own skin weather I label myself or not. It was only recently through a television show that I discovered that such places existed. There is a lot of self reflecting needing to take place. I like feeling not alone on this. Thanks again.
