I think I'm gonna split this into.. sections just because it's a pretty long story so far. Also I don't feel like posting it all under one.. post and it looking like a wall-o-text. I don't feel like typing out my entire coming out all at once either, even if it's just to a few people. Sorry! :icon_sad: I will say though writing this is pretty relieving to me! I guess that I'll split the sections into.. like the introduction, then my acceptance, then my stories. :icon_bigg So first post! Introduction! Background if you will? Kso. I'm gay! I finally like.. accepted that earlier this year. Y'know after say.. around six-eight years? Depends on how you look at it I guess. I've always known I was different though, like so many others as gay men I've noticed. In fact when I was a kid I can remember being called gay by other students in my classes. I don't think I exactly knew what it meant or why I was being called it. All I knew is that they were using it in a demeaning manner and I didn't like it! I guess I must have been a pretty effeminate child and they all knew what being gay was before me. I can recall, instead of playing stuff like football during recess, I'd jump rope with the girls in my class. It was so much funner. Ha. The name calling did stop eventually. It was before I even /found out/ what it actually meant even. I don't know why. I guess I just learned to "fit in". I uh.. can remember liking guys at around ten..ish. I didn't act on it though. I didn't even know it wasn't normal I don't think. Not that I can remember anyways. It may have been even younger. Actually I think I may have had my first crush on a boy in second grade? Perhaps.. Whatever! Moving on! I'm gonna say I learned what being gay was near the age of.. twelve. Maybe. In my parent's views being gay is.. bad, so I pretty much locked myself in the closet. I called it a phase! It probably didn't help myself that I had a crush on a girl when I was in... uh... first grade. I also pictured myself growing up and having a wife and children. That totally meant I had to be straight right? I couldn't really do that if I was gay now 'eh? Not the wife part anyways. ...Not morally. So I went on with life liking guys, but calling it a phase. I still found girl's attractive, but... not the way I did with guys? Sexually I guess. In fact I've never actually had a crush on a guy that I /know/ of. Just maybe that one.. boy in second grade. It's always been with girls? That totally didn't help my confusion and my just-a-phase mentality. Anyways. I went on through school crushing on girls, but never guys. I have no idea why. In most cases they'd develop after.. I found out that the girl that liked me. I /think/ I may have developed the crush because I felt bad for them or something along those lines. I never dated them though. I was far too shy to ask someone out on a date or anything along those lines, so I never had a girlfriend. I've never actually been kissed even. The crushing and denying continued throughout my.. school years? Eventually I was pulled out for reasons I don't even remember, where I just continued to believe in a phase.
Second post! You can call it the acceptance post I guess. That's what I call it? Well what I went through anyways. Hopefully this isn't considered spamming! =P I don't know why/when this year I finally gave up and said I was gay, but I do remember wanting to tell everyone.. so badly. It's just that I was ashamed. I didn't know how my family would react, especially my parents. After accepting it, I went through I guess a depression phase? I wanted to tell them, but I didn't know how to do it. I was /so/ ashamed that I just couldn't bring myself to tell them, even though I knew /everyone/ in my family loved me. Ever since I was a child, there have been what I guess are expectations of me. The biggest one was that I was the only one in the family who could continue our last name and it's true. I am. There aren't any other males in the family who could continue it. This I was reminded of nearly every time my family was together and if I was gay.. how was I supposed to live up to that? So I decided it'd be best if.. I just died. I had it all planned out too. I'd write my family letters goodbye, then lock myself away in my room where I'd O.D. I planned they'd just figure from the letters, that I was depressed and there wasn't much they could've done or something along those lines. I mean, at least I wasn't a fag right? In the end I felt that.. that decision would be.. selfish to put it best, because I knew my family loved me. I couldn't.. stand the thought of them suffering because of me. Not even a year after we lost our grandfather at that. Therefore.. my thoughts shifted from.. suicide to.. attempted suicide? The thoughts going through my head now was to force their acceptance. I'd take just enough to be hospitalized, but not enough for death. I'd tell them when they asked me why I did it.. why I did it. I'd tell them because I'm gay. It'd let them know how much.. hurt and confusion I was going through. It would also give them a choice. It was their choice now if they lost me. It wouldn't be my decision anymore. It'd also let them.. see what they were about to lose over something as simple as.. to the kind of people I wanted to spend my life with? Maybe then they'd accept me. However, those musings eventually faded away.Thankfully I guess. Instead I accepted that I was gay and that it wasn't something to be ashamed of. I can't remember how, but I think it might have been my gay themed film marathon online. I just went on with my.. mundane life... depressed. Depressed that I was hiding myself now though, rather than because I was gay. I've never been one to hide my sadness well either. It's always been pretty obvious.
My first coming out story! Cause I know you all love these stories. I know I do! I'll post my other stories.. later. I'm tired of writing atm. =x Sometime during July was my best friends birthday. She's been my friend for.. like ten years, but it's been online. We'd met up.. twice before, both for birthdays since we just live like thirty minutes minutes away from each other. Anyways, I decided that I was gonna come out to her on her birthday, because y'know, what's a better gift to a girl than a gay best friend? Nothing! I wanted the first person I told to be.. positive and accepting. I didn't want to tell her.. without knowing what kind of response I'd get first, so I decided I'd tell one of my cousins first. The one I chose is a few months older than me and has always been the most accepting in the family, despite her very religious upbringing. I knew she had gay friends and whatnot and of course she absolutely loved them, so maybe she already knew I was gay? So one night.. a week before my friends birthday, we were sitting alone in the house together watching.. America's Best Dance Crew - a show we love. I figured since we were alone, now would be the perfect time to come out. When the show tuned into commercial I immediately looked over to her and opened my mouth to say the words. I squealed. I literally squealed. I couldn't say anything. I turned my head back to the T.V. and tried pretend like nothing happened, but she noticed. She turned to look at me and asked what I was going to say. I wanted to try again, so I looked at her again and tried saying it again. Still nothing. That's when tears started to run down my face and she became concerned. She immediately began questioning intently on what was wrong with me as she had /never/ seen me cry before. While tearing up, I told her that.. there was something I really wanted to tell her but that it was clearly very hard for me to do so. Questions about my health and family were what she kept repeating to which I replied consistently with a fake reassuring smile, of which was totally overshadowed by the tears and choked up voice .She wanted to know if I was sick, to that I replied "I'm not sick, at least I don't consider myself to be sick anyways". When she asked if it was something my mom or dad did to me I replied with "Yes, probably." All the while reminding me that she loved me and that I could tell her anything. I told her I knew she loved me, and that in fact I knew everyone in the family loved me, and that I never wanted that to change. My responses were always that of one to.. drop her hints to knowing I was gay. It apparently didn't cross her mind that I was gay though, in fact the closest question reguarding my sexuality was when she asked me if I had gotten a girl pregnant, to which I believe I responded with "if only I urged to." She even went on to tell me stories about herself that I never even knew. She was trying very hard to get me to open up. I wish I did. This went on for maybe thirty minutes, before we heard our cousins come home to which she dropped it and I cleared my tears away. When they found us everything was normal as we we both got back into watching A.B.D.C.. She took me home that night and told me in the car that she loves me and that I could tell her anything. That night I took out a piece of paper and wrote on it the words "I'm gay". I stuck it in my pocket and carried it around with me everywhere. A few nights later after coaxing her away from her friends, we went up to pick her brother up from his work. We got there too early so we decided to go to Wal-Mart to buy some things she needed. All the while we were together, I'd been twirling around my little folded up paper, hoping she'd notice it and call me out on it. When we got out of the store and back into the car, she looked over to me and asked if I was ready to tell her. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my folded up letter and handed it to her. She noticed it was the paper I'd been messing around with. It was folded quite a bit for such a simple message so I just chuckled to myself nervously as she opened it up. I held my breath when she got it open.. facing the wrong side. She turned it over and read it before looking over to me. Her reply caused me to exhale quickly and start to chuckle as my eyes filled with tears again. All she said was "so?!" I didn't... know how to respond, so I just kept.. the fake grin on my face, trying to hold back as much of the tears as I could. She reached over and hugged me and told me it didn't matter to her and that she still loved me. She started up her car and started driving back to her brother's work. I asked her if she already knew, because I figured it was obvious to her, maybe others already knew. She told me that the thought didn't cross her mind. I'm sure she asked me questions, but I can't remember them right now. I guess I was going through so much adrenaline I forgot them? I do remember she started going off listing all her gay friends and how she was gonna have us meet. She also said she was going to take me to gay clubs, somewhere she's always wanted to go! I laughed at all of this of course. I wasn't interested in her friends nor was I interested then at going to a gay club at the time, though I totally am now. When we got to her brother's work we walked in like everything was normal once more.
