... begins with a single step. However gut-wrenching and heart breaking it may be. Right? Ugh. Right now it's 2:46 in the morning, and I feel like throwing up and/or going to sleep and never waking. I'm trembling and I feel like I've had the flu for a week. I know that when I wake up tomorrow I'm going to avoid this thread like the plague because I'm barely coherent now and my emotional barriers are almost nonexistant. Well let's get to the story shall we? I came out to my best friend. Or my ex-best friend. I'm not really sure at the moment. I always knew she would be the first person I came out to. But this is not how I thought it would go. Aforementioned friend and I have known each other for a little less than a year. She was in 12th grade, and I, in 9th. We quickly became great friends and texted each other every day. It is important to note that she is bisexual, leaning towards women. She has had a rough life, and was raped more than once earlier in her life. She has found many ways to deal with this pain over the years: self harm, smoking, drinking, and son on. During May of this year we admitted having feelings for each other. We went out for roughly a month. It didn't work; we never saw each other, and there weren't any romantic sparks between us. Over the summer we texted constantly. We still had feelings for each other, but avoided the subject. Then, about two months ago, we went to the State Fair together, only the two of us. After we went home, she said that she might have felt some sparks that night. I felt no different than before. She asked me out, and I told her I wanted to sleep on it. The next night came and passed and neither of us broached the subject. We wouldn't talk about it again until tonight/this morning. My sister had spoken to her earlier this week, and due to miscommunication, thought that my friend and I were going out. Which led me to ask my friend this morning, via instant messaging, basically why she said we were going out. She told me that my sister had misunderstood her. And this led to her asking what exactly "we" are. I said I didn't know. She said I should tell her so she could stop wasting her time. We began to text because she had logged off the instant messager. She said if I didn't want a relationship, I should tell her so she could give other people a chance. I said that perhaps, I didn't know how I felt. She told me to figure it out. I said it wasn't that easy. She asked why. I told her I was only telling her what she was about to hear because I was sleep deprived and I trusted her not to tell anyone. Which I do, intrinsically. I also love her in a non-romantic way. And this is what I said: "I may or may not be gay/bisexual. And I honestly don't know. And I know I'm going to regret this when I'm coherent." I trust her with my secret. But it's my nature to regret things, even if they're for big-picture type good, even when nothing is going to come of it aside from what happened tonight and what will be directly caused by it. The two minutes or so between my response and hers was terrible. I thought I would throw up. She responded with anger. I can understand that. She's been hurt a lot in her life. Anger is a natural response to hurt. Still, I thought, or hoped, she would be more considerate. She said: "Why? You know all my shit why shouldn't I know yours?" "And what does that have to do with you liking me? Either you like me or you don't." I said, responding to the respective texts: "Don't be like that. It's my personality. I'm not saying you shouldn't I'm saying I'm going to regret it no matter what." "I'm saying it might not be anything more than that." To highlight more important pieces of the ensuing conversation: Her: Why is everything so fucking complicated? Me: Go ask the powers that be. I wouldn't know. [Here you can see my defense mechanism, sarcasm, kicking in.] Her: Well let's just make this easy. I don't like you. Figure your shit out. Me: I'm glad to know you're so understanding and respond well to emotional pain. [Sarcasm again] Her: I can't deal with shit like this again. I'm sorry. Ill try to be your friend but I just can't right this second. Me: I understand. Maybe you can understand that I have feelings too and that rejecting me completely does neither of us good. [Here we both take some deep breaths] Her: I understand that. And I'm not rejecting you I'm just removing myself from the equation. I have been in this spot too many times on both sides. Me: I love you. Good night. [Trying to reconcile? Guilt trip? I thought long and hard about this text before sending it.] Her: Whatever. I feel like she was my anchor. We always text each other. She was without a doubt the closest friend I've ever had. She was also the only girl that really kept me from telling myself I was flat out gay, with nary a bit of bisexuality. She was the only girl I've ever been that emotionally attracted to. I've even thought about the sexual side. I have to think, that if things had ever gone well between us I would have felt sexually attracted to her even though I never really was before. In the wake of this punch to the gut a plethora of new questions and problems have been left. Am I completely gay? Will I ever really know? How am I going to get through without somebody to share my intimate secrets with? Now I'm in a state of emotional shock. I'm detached from myself. I'm not really thinking, just letting the words flow onto the keyboard. We'll see what tomorrow brings. I'm not really sure if I'm asking anything by this post. I don't know if I really want anything, except to have the release of telling someone, anyone. I'm going to sleep now. I cannot wait for the oblivion it will bring.
Go to sleep. I know how you feel-and you really need to get some sleep. You can think about it tomorrow, when you're refreshed. (*hug*)
dont feel bad. i think both of you need time to stop and think about it. i think both of you were hurt and you need time apart to think about how youre feeling and how theyre feeling before you talk again. you shouldnt regret this post, it is actually coherrent, a lot better than what happens if i try to write about how i feel without really thining what im writing. im sure it will get better
Just as I predicted, I have been avoiding this thread. But thanks for the replies. When I woke up I did feel better. Still not good though. Thankfully my 9-year-old nephew (damn he makes me feel old!) came over for the day and took up my time and concentration. The world is so simple for him at his age. Lucky. Anyways, I probably should have put this in the Support and Advice area, although my friend is the first person I've come out to. When I said barely coherent I really meant I wasn't thinking straight. Oh well. We'll see how school goes this week.
