Somewhere I always knew that I was gay, only there was always an excuse. First it was because I was in an all-boy boarding school, then it was just to pass the time with my room-mate, then... And suddenly, I was married. A wonderful woman whom I love. But as time went on, I felt more and more that I was living a lie. Early 2008, I finally admitted to myself that I was gay - strange how one can hide the obvious. I was spending more and more time on internet porn and feeling profoundly unsatisfied with my life. I spoke to a gay priest whom we both knew (he used to be a colleague of my wife and is now himself in what is called here a "civil partnership"). He encouraged me to be honest, but to be very careful about how and when. I thought about this a long time and decided that the week-end after our holiday (a week away in Scotland, just the two of us) would be the best time. I normally travel continuously for my work and would be home for a few weeks after that week-end, meaning that I would not leave her alone with this news. Also, I did not want to do it while we were isolated on the West-Scotland coast as I assumed she might want to talk to someone about it. So I picked the time carefully. We sat down and I told her. I said that I was gay. I also told her that for the past 26 years, I have been completely faithful to her, I said that I had no interest in living the gay scene. I also told her that I thought that if I could be more honest with myself, I could be more relaxed with the world in general, and I was hoping that we could continue as before, perhaps my honesty would help to even improve our relationship. She requested that I do not speak to people we know about this. A couple of weeks later, we were at a Christian festival where we met up with our son - a 23 year-old youth worker, finishing his masters degree in theology. At one point, he was hanging with us, and I really wanted to be somewhere else, and I finally said that I wanted to see a counsellor and left the two of them. He was curious and my wife told him the news. We had a long talk that evening about what this meant, he was better at accepting this than the two us were. The talk finally ended when I left them to go that evening's LGBT communion service where, for the first time in my life, I was surrounded by lesbians and gay men of all ages, sizes and shapes. Maybe this was normal after all. My wife has spoken to a friend, my son has spoken to a few. My daughter does not know. I have spoken to no one else, because she asked me not to. Now, I am feeling that I am condemned to a life of celibacy. I want to honour the commitment I made to her when we married, but that means we are room-mates, nothing more. The only gay man I know is the priest mentioned earlier and he is in a long-term relationship. Maybe I did the right thing, maybe not. Maybe sometimes it is easier to live a lie than to be honest to the truth.
Well you are certainly in a difficult situation. In the discussions with your wife, did you ask her what she wanted? Does she want to live in a celibate marriage?
Hi BeckyG. Yes, my wife would be quite happy to live a celibate marriage. However, as my daughter has just moved back home, we cannot have time to ourselves to talk about it.
Hello, I've recently come out to myself and about 5 other people. I've been married 23 years to a wonderful woman, who I frankly don't deserve. I'm comfortable enough with myself now that I can start planning how/when to tell her. The issue of staying together, being celibate, etc will be an interesting one for us as well. I'm not willing at this point to stay in an exclusive, but sexually unfulfilling relationship. Too many years ahead of me. I do want to remain her friend and companion. We're pretty compatible in other areas. Thnks for sharing. T
Hello T - Thanks for your note on my "coming out" post. I want to wish you luck in coming out to your wife. Remember not to rush her. It took me forty years to accept myself, I could not expect her to do in a couple of days or weeks... or months. This is a lot to accept. It is very difficult for a woman to accept that her husband is having sex with someone else, so be very careful. I do not want to loose my wife - or my children, however I do not believe I have the strength to remain celibate for the rest of my life. For the time being, I must. I understand that my wife no longer wishes to have sex with me, she now sees herself as second best choice (which is a fair comment), and says she wants to remain "best friends"... Don't know where this is leading, but we need to talk more about this. So, my recommendation, prepare for the worst, take your time, do not rush her. This takes time. I would love to give you a hug of encouragement. Keep me informed, I am thinking of you. Peter. (*hug*) I wanted to send you a private message but am not yet allowed to do that...
Hi and welcome to EC. I am an over 40 father, and I was married until a couple of years ago, so I understand some of what you are going through. I know right now is a very difficult time for you. There will be many periods of heartache and introspection. No matter what road you take, your life will be different in the future. There is no way for you to know right now what will happen, except for one thing – you will no longer be living a life that is not true to who you are. I suffered for years with depression trying to hide that I was gay. But, since I fully accepted my sexuality, I have never been happier. It took a lot of time and a good psychologist. If you are not already seeing one, I strongly recommend it. There are two changes in how I approach life that helped me get through this. First, I realized that I only have one life to live. I will never get another chance to live my life. I can choose to live a happy life or an unhappy life. When I am on my death bed and I look back, I do not want to reflect on my life and realize that I lived an unhappy life because I was so afraid of what other people would think of me. I am gay and there is nothing wrong with it. If someone does not like it, it is a reflection on them and not me. The second philosophical change came about because of the advice of a member of EC, Jim1454. Jim is also a gay father who was married and came out to his wife. Below is a passage Jim sent me. In essence, it says that if we spend all our time worrying about the future and fretting over our choices from the past, we will spend no time enjoying the present. I have taken that advice to heart. Finding EC helped me greatly to get through my rough time. I realized I was not alone and that many other men had gone through the exact same thing as me and emerged just fine. I hope we can do the same for you. Please keep us updated and do not hesitate to reach out for help. Coming from one who was there, you will get through this and live a life happier and more fulfilling than you ever thought possible. Just give it some time. Yesterday... Today... and Tomorrow There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension. One of these days is Yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word said. Yesterday is gone. The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control. Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds - but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in Tomorrow, for it is yet unborn. This leaves only one day - Today. Any man can fight the battles of just one day; it is only when you or I add the burdens of those two awful eternities - Yesterday - and Tomorrow - that we break down. It is not the experience of Today that drives men mad - it is the remorse or bitterness for something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, live but One Day at a Time. [ Author: Jennifer Kritsch ]
Hi Peter, thanks for the reply. I understand the rule about no private messages to ensure privacy and guard against solicitation and the like, but it is frustrating at times. The link below is another forum like this that has been of great help to me. I started a string called 'Gay guys that married women' on it. You can read my story and the advice of a bunch of people if you'd like. They don't have as strict a rule on contact so you can reach me thru that site if you want. http://forums.about.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?nav=messages&webtag=ab-gaylife&lgnF=y copy the address into your browser. Its the Gay Life forum on About.com Look forward to hearing from you. Tim
Wow! I'm so glad I had such a positive impact! Go me! :eusa_danc I know I found EC tremendously helpful when I first found it, so I'm just trying to pass that on to others. So welcome to EC from Jim in Toronto! Yes - I was also married to a wonderful woman. And I also denied most of my life that I was gay. It in fact didn't even occur to me! Unfortunately, I didn't remain faithful though. In the last 2 years of my marriage I had 'experimented' with other men - some married, some not. And I regret doing that to my wife, but as the passage suggests, we have to let go of the things we regret from our past. And I have. I too was depressed and unhappy in my marriage - despite 'having it all'. I came out to my wife, and it was her that made the decision to separate. And it was the best decision. We were in our mid 30s with 2 small children. She couldn't stay married to someone that she couldn't trust would be faithful, and who she felt would be 'settling' for her and not really happy. However, we've remained best friends in our separation, and we've put the needs of our children first. That is a priority that we share, so coming to agreements around the kids is easy. She has been very understanding and supportive of me in my 'new' life - including having my bf over for drinks and socializing with both of us. She likes him a lot, and considers him family. In fact I was out recently with friends I've had since university, and I took both my wife and my boy friend with me to dinner! That's how well my situation has worked out. So while everyone's situation is different, there really can be happy / healthy endings to these stories. In fact, I don't consider my story to have ended... there has simply been an unexpected twist to the plot! I love my life! :icon_bigg
I think you are extremely brave, and there is nothing more for me to say. As homosexuals, there is always a time for us to be faced with a difficult decision, and that is obviously coming out. However, for you to be married and have children, I CANNOT imagine how hard it was for you. I can't say how much easier it is for teenagers and young adults to come out to their friends and loved ones, but it is definately not as easy as being a married man. I'm sorry for every bit of sadness that this imparts on you, my thoughts are with you. Take care.
