truly out?

you know I have felt the same way for a while now my parents accepted me too but I don't really feel comfortable talking to them about it or anyone else for that matter and I get the feeling that they want proof or something and I haven't changed and I think they expect me too. should I have changed? I don't know all I know is I am so used to acting straight and I led my life like that for 17 years of my life until I told a friend of mine and then I acted that way around my mom until I was 19! and my dad 20 my dad has only known for about 5 months now so basically with my parents all but the last year has been me acting like a straight person and now I don't know if I should act differently, I certainly don't feel different other than I don't feel depressed over hiding who I am from my parents and thats the only difference so I know what you mean I'm kind of in the same situation hey if you are crazy then I must be too!
Sam

 

I think that's why they say that coming out is not a one-time thing but a continuous process. I don't think saying it for the first time is meaningless - it's totally not; don't belittle that accomplishment! - but you're right that it's probably not enough. I think frustration is a necesssary emotion to make you push yourself further, but hopefully you don't just get frustrated and then wallow in your own misery. It's tough. Keep your head and hopes up.

Here's a very insidious way of bringing up a "gay topic": go to a pride celebration in June. Then, when your parents ask you where you're going, you can just say it, and that way you've sort of brought it up w/o having to make this huge, huge deal about it. I don't know - just an idea.

 

Yeah, once we're out, nothing "big" changes. What's with that! - I think we must incorrectly assume big changes are gonna happen.

The gay subject is "taboo" with your folks because (impo) people don't talk about gay stuff with their parents.

Telling your folks has not become meaningless. Now you're free to lead your life and not be secretive.

I don't believe there is a way to act "gay", because every gay person I know acts so differently.

 

So you think now you're out you have to start wearing pink and prancing around talking about disney? Of course you don't!
If you are comfortable the way you are, STAY the way you are. The fact is most gays 'act straight' because most aren't a stereotype.
You feel this way (in my opinion) because being gay and coming out is viewed as this terrible thing by most of society, so you finally come and out it's a huge anti-climax because you don't get the strong reactions you expect, or rather society would have you expect.
Your sexuality is just a small part of you, if you don't want to talk about it often then don't, just because you're gay doesn't mean you have to talk about being gay all the time, there's so much more to you than your sexuality.
Be true to yourself, that's what coming out is all about, you don't have to live up to anyone's expectations but your own.

 

maybe if there was more discussion about it, it wouldnt feel as taboo. Bring up the topic more often, talk about some hot guy in school, or something to spark discussion.

 

I can wholeheartedly relate to your situation. I came out to my parents in November 06 (so a few months ago now) and we haven't talked about it since I was at home at Christmas (at college now). My parents also did the whole "we love you anyways" line. Although they also said they think its a phase, they think I'll snap out of it at some point. Not what I wanted to hear and I expressed that to them. We still don't talk about "my issue" as we termed it. In fact I was slightly shocked the other day when I talked to my mom on Mother's day and told her that I spent the weekend with a new friend of mine (a girl) and my mom said "oh, is this more than a friend?" I know she was trying to joke about it, but I think she would have cried if I actually replied with a "yes". Her comment made me wonder if they were going to (or are) scrutinize(ing) all my friendships and always wonder if its more than a friend.

Their reception of my "coming out" left me feeling unfulfilled. Of course I also thought they sort of suspected it anyways and when they said they hadn't it really shocked and kind of hurt me. I hate not being able to talk about it with them, it just makes the whole process that much harder and makes me wonder if they truly accept this or is it just going to be the elephant in the room forever.

I guess when I get home in a few weeks (first time since Christmas), we may talk about it again. I agree with nisomer that "if there was more discussion about it then it wouldn't feel as taboo." I want them to ask questions, but I think they want to back off and give me my space and time to think; however, I've had 6-7 years to "think" about it already, I'm ready to talk.

 

Yeah, if you guys are ready to talk, then you're gonna have to do the talking, initially, yourselves. It's not the kind of issue that people will willingly confront unless forced to. You have to keep pushing it or else it's very easy for everyone (not just parents) to avoid, including yourselves.

And yeah, that makes for an uncomfortable period and, of course, accusations of "why do you always have to bring up your sexuality?" The point is, though, that straight people bring up their sexuality CONSTANTLY... but because of heterosexism, it's so normalised that we don't even notice it, whereas we do notice it when gay people do. Because it's so unusual in a mainstream context.

 

Well... speak for yourself, because when I came out my entire life changed. Not right that moment but certainly in the following weeks and months--my life a year after I came out was light-years away from my life before.

It's different for different people but I think one of the things that contributed to the way coming out went in my life was that I was more than ready for a change. All my life I hadn't fit in and I hadn't really socialised and I had sat out on the sidelines of life and when I figured out my sexual orientation, EVERYTHING made a ton more sense to me and I just went with it. I just carpe-ed the heck out of each diem because I had, in a very real-to-me sense, been given this huge major opportunity. I got to become who I had always wanted to be.

So yeah, I guess my life wouldn't have leapt forward so dramatically if I'd just told my parents and then gone back to the same-old, same-old. But I didn't... I jumped right into the deep end and it was probably the single best thing I've ever done in my life.

 

I think it's worth adding, though, that if you feel your sexuality IS a big part of you (which is pretty natural when you first come out) and if you do want to talk about being gay all the time, that's okay--it's not like you'd be the first person to get all intense about it after they came out. A lot of people go through a very "gay gay gay" phase when they come out... if that's what makes you happy, go for it. As long as you are, as Bill says, true to yourself. It's definitely possible to do things unthinkingly because you believe you're expected to do them.

It's fine to do things that are expected of you if you WANT to do them. The trick is to avoid giving up your agency--you want to make sure you are okay with what you're doing, rather than trying to make other people okay about what you're doing.

 

Yes, I watch it, and yes, that's a completely plausible way for a family to be about a gay family member--but you have to remember that that way of interaction would have developed over probably a decade, and certainly a decade where the issue was not avoided but rather had to be faced and revisted again and again. That kind of comfortable easiness with sexuality issues within a family does not usually happen overnight.

But yeah, Kevin is like in his what? Early 30s? Mid 30s? So it's probably been 10 to 15 years, maybe more, since he came out to his family. It's not gonna happen magically--it takes time, and patience, and work.

 

I felt the same thing. i thought everything would just get better. well i didnt it actually got worse. there was so much tension, they love me and all but they dont know how to deal with it. finnaly tho i just snapped and we yelled for an hour. after wich I left the house for a few hours and strangly enugh it is now an open topic in the house

 

No experiences to draw on here, but a couple of ideas for discussion...

How about relaying some of the stories you've read in here? Things that you found interesting or hurtful or made you angry. Political statements about 'civil unions' and what your family thinks - or simply what you think.

Another thing that comes to mind is sharing with them how much you appreciate their acceptance - that you've heard stories from other gays / lesbians about parents who haven't acceptted or supported their kids at all... That raises the issue in a very positive way, and lets them know that it means a lot to you for them to continue supporting you as they have.

So it wouldn't have to say to your dad "OMG he's so cute!" or "I wouldn't throw her out of bed for eating crackers!" It can be something that they'd be more comfortable hearing.

 

I know exactly where you're coming from with this. When I told my mom, I was relieved that she knew, but it kind of felt pointless, as nothing with her changed really. Though I am glad I told my friend, as that did lead to some very positive changes.

 

Very well said Bill. :eusa_clap :eusa_danc