Starting to come out

Hey guys, I wanted to share my whole story with you. I still haven't fully come out, a few people know, but lately I've made some huge progress with all of this.

So yeah, I'm now 22. My family has always been pretty religious and "ordinary" and maybe because of that, I've always wanted to live to other people's expectations. So pretty much for all my life I've thought, that one day I'd have a wife, two to three kids, dog, house and everything like that. I think that's the main reason it took me so long for me to realize who I really am.

I remember liking boys pretty much always. When I was about 7, we kissed a few times with my friend, who also was a boy. That was so exciting, though that boy didn't really like it so much. Showering naked in front of all my classmates was really exciting, and stuff like that. Well, of course I still only looked for girlfriends, because that's what you're supposed to do. Even if I really didn't like girls so much.

When I hit puberty, I became more sexual, surprise. And when I think about it now, I really don't remember that I've ever been interested in girls like that. Ever. Maybe sometimes I've watched some straightporn, because I wanted to be normal. Of course even then I only looked men in those videos.

In highschool, maybe, I finally thought that maybe I was bisexual after all. At least I then accepted the fact, that I like boys. I didn't tell anyone about that, and still only wanted to have a girlfriend. I had a couple short things with girls, but that's really all there is.

When I started university, I was feeling more confident about my sexuality, I think that's the time I really started thinking who I really am. Still I only thought, that all I'd ever want from men is sex. I had never had sex with anyone then, even a girl, though I had a few "girlfriends". Finally, when a friend asked me about my sexuality, about a year ago, I told her that I'm bisexual. She was the first one I ever told it. Well, she took it well, but I didn't. It just didn't feel right, I was so ashamed of myself, maybe because I hadn't accepted myself fully. About a year ago was also the first time, I had sex. I was drunk, and then we started to make out with a guy at the dancefloor and finally went to toilet. And I really liked it.

Even after that I couldn't accept that I really, really like guys. I denied it and a few months after that, I had a short thing with a girl. I never really even liked her, I just wanted to be normal and show my friends that I have a girlfriend and stuff like that. That was also the first, and probably the last, time I had sex with a girl. Haha, and I didn't like it at all. Sometimes even now when I think about it, it just disgusts me. That was basically the thing that made me really think of myself. Who I am and who I like, what I want from life. Couple of months ago, I finally let myself have romantic feelings towards a guy. We dated for about a month, and even though he wasn't really what I was looking for, the experience was amazing. It really was what I wanted.

This holiday I finally accepted myself. I thought about things a lot, about my past feelings and well, about everything. Why should I do like everyone expects me to do, if it doesn't make me happy? And realizing that made me really happy. 2014 was really tough for me, searching for yourself for the whole year is really exhausting and I had some other problems too. But now, I'm happier than I've been in a long time. I can finally say, that I'm gay and I'm happy for who I am. That I wouldn't change myself to anything else.

Now I've been talking a few weeks to a guy, and I think I really like him. I haven't had this kind of feeling towards any girl, ever. I don't know it there'll ever be anything between us, but it's just so nice to finally have a crush like this. This year is going to be amazing! When the time is right, I'm going to tell this to my friends too. I'm not going to hide who I am ever again.