My story - coming out late... well, in my 30's

OK - this is the first time I've told this story anywhere, so bear with me...

I was brought up in a strict religious tradition, and any education about sex/relationships etc was totally focussed on the religious expection of find a nice girl, marry, have sex, have kids (in that order)

I'm now 34. I'm out to 2 people.

Looking back, I always knew I was different, from my late teens, I knew that pictures of shirtless guys in the media were always far more interesting to me than those of women, but I supressed it. I "played" straight. I never saw the attraction in "page 3" (for those of you not in the UK, a major tabloid newspaper has a tradition of having a full-page photo of a topless woman on the 3rd page) - but I always explained it away as being "better than that" (I know... my religious upbringing again)

Anyway, fast forward....

I never got into dating girls/women. I kinda "fell into" a relationship with a woman after uni - which was convenient for me as it allowed me to continue to "play straight" (although this was not a concious decision) - the rules of our religion allowed me to do this without addressing the whole "sex" question - but I never wanted to move the relationship past "dating". I had no desire to develop the relationship into getting married. That lasted a couple of years, but she clearly wanted more than me, and that was that.

Anyway, fast forward 9 years to the summer of 2008.

This year, I've gotten to know a very pleasant gay couple (long story there too) - and developed a very close friendship with them, and through being able to have very open and comfortable conversations with them, have been able to come to realise that I'm gay, and that I'm likely to be a lot happier if I accept it. Of course, they didn't know I was kinda sounding them out on various topics - we talked a lot about our upbringings, our past relationships etc.

I finally came out to them one evening, about a month ago - I invited them over, I cooked, we talked, and towards the end of the evening I said the hardest thing I've ever said to anyone. "I'm not straight" - that was hard enough - I had to explain what I meant, that I was still very confused, that I was still coming to the point of accepting myself for who I am. They were totally supportive from the word go - but I know that they had a fairly shocked conversation on their way home that evening!

Since then, they've been great. They're the only people who know so far, but they've accepted me (I didn't really expect them not to) and have been really open to talk to, and help me accept what I am, which is a journey I'm still on.

Coming out to other people I already know is something I've yet to do, and I'm taking it slowly and carefully. Firstly though I need to fully accept it myself, and that is partly why I joined this site, to be able to chat with other people without risk of "discovery" by people who know me offline.

I'm sure enough now that I'm realising that it's no big deal - but in some ways it'll be helpful for other close friends to know - if only so I can talk to them!

My parents, who instilled in me that strict, religous upbringing - I don't know if I'll ever reach the point where I can tell them... but that's for another time, and another conversation.

 

To have friends that make you feel comfortable and open is all that you needed. To have friends like those is a great feeling, and is something that everyone deserves. I'm so happy for you that you finally decided to be open and comfortable with yourself, because things will never work out if that cannot happen. Good job! Take care.

 

There is plenty of people here that have been in your situation or are in your situation, and we are all in this together.... If you need anything you can contact me

 

Hey tm, there a few of us here that did not come to terms with their sexuality until later on. I knew I was gay for a couple of years. I was really struggling with it and had a lot of self hate. Now I have accepted it and I am so happy. I have even started to date a little bit. If you need to talk, PM me. :smilewave

 

Good for you for starting the process. I came out at the age of 53, so you are not as late as you might think, and you are certainly not alone in this. Talk to the couple to whom you came out and ask them to support you in this process, there will be some very tiring and lonely moments. But you need to be honest with yourself first.

 

I so totally identify with you. I've also come out "later" in life and I grew up with a strict religious upbringing. The shirtless guys never did anything for me but I remember when I was 11 or 12 and I found my brothers Playboy magazine. I couldn't get enough. I always wanted to see more naked women. I thought my feelings were considered "normal" but somehow I got the message to not talk about them. I prided myself on being the good christian girl who never got into trouble with boys. It wasn't hard because I was never attracted to them.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone!!!

 

Well, thanks everyone for the supportive comments - the biggest thing I've had to get past is the feeling that "it's wrong" - my upbringing caused me not even consider that "being gay" was the explanation for the stuff I was thinking, and burying. As I teenager, I always kinda knew that as a guy, looking at pictures of other guys wasn't "normal" (at least, in my straight, religious upbringing) - as I got older I realised I didn't find women attractive, but supressed that instinct, and pretended to be straight (and as I'm not generally "out" - I still do this most of the time).

The couple I mentioned have been absolutely fantastic over the last few weeks (and indeed before I told them) - the first night after I told them, they sent me a txt message saying something like "we're here for you, if you need us we're less than an hour away, anytime".

I've a long way to go here, I've a lot still to learn about myself, and allow myself to "unhide" everything I've buried inside. I'm expecting some times to be easier than others, and some "outings" to be easier than others too.

 

Coming out to yourself is the first step. Your story sounds very similar to mine. When I was younger I was attracted to men but it never occurred to me that I was gay until a few years ago. Just take your time and come out at your own pace.

 

Wicked story man Must of been hard supressing it for so long. I only had to do it for 17 but you had to for 30 . Well techincally I'm still supressing but no so much to myself. Just the outside world.

Anyways always great to hear these stories from older men. Hope we can help you sort things out.

-Inarut
-The "Walrus"
-Phil

 

InaRut - It wasn't actually that hard - I just avoided certain conversation topics at work (I'm in on a team with 8 straight guys, and as you can probably imagine, the conversations can be a bit, well, crude!) and I've not bothered with dating or relationships since that one 9 years ago (with a woman - but as I said, it didn't really work...), so it was something I just got into a rut of avoiding dealing with either way - but with the help of the couple I already mentioned, I'm slowly accepting myself, and starting to explore who I really am, as opposed to who I was brought up and conditioned to be.

It's good to find a forum which, although there are a lot of teens/twenties on here, doesn't cater exclusively to them, and there's room for the 30+'s of the world too...

It's going to be harder coming out after all these years... especially to people who knew me 10 years ago...

and as for the "older men" comment - I'm not that old! ;-)

 

Hi there - thanks for sharing your story. I also managed to deny that I was gay for over 30 years. Only I did take the getting married thing to heart, and I did get married and had two kids. THAT made it even more difficult to accept and acknowledge. But I did.

And I didn't feel better right away. I was miserable and felt very lost and alone. But things got better. EC helped a lot. My therapist helped a lot. And my wife was incredibly supportive and understanding - which in my opinion was the 'make or break' difference for me.

2 years later, I'm comfortable with who I am. It isn't as big a deal to me any more. I'm ont out to the whole world, because I decided that I didn't need to be. But I do have a boyfriend who I love more than anyone I've ever loved before. And THAT is a truly amazing feeling.

Good luck with your journey. And stick around here. We're a great bunch.

 

With you on the "lost and alone" part - I get days/evenings/weekends like that - I don't like to impose myself on my friends too much, and as there's currently only 2 people I can completely be myself with, and I really don't like to impose myself on them too much... they've got their own lives.

Also, I don't have much of a social life around home anyway, most of my friends are hundreds of miles away, so "alone" is very much "normal" for me much of the time.

I know that sounds a bit miserable and depressed - sometimes I can be!

Knowing I've got those friends, and the community here to fall back on will help enormously.

 

Well I'm really late. I am now 59. Only now able to talk to anyone and only online. I've been gay all my life but a strong catholic upbringing and ten yrs of being taught by nuns did nothing for me in furthering my gay tendencies. I fought it all the way, even joined the military. What a disaster..(for them I mean).Even went so far as to have a couple of kids. Common law which was a mistake. Except for the kids of course. They are grown and have families are happy and keep in touch regularly.
I'm sure people had it figured out long ago. But I'm still keeping them in the dark. I always defended gay people especially when assholes would say that "people choose to be gay" ya right. Who the fu*k would put themselves through that by choice.
Anyway I'm not bitching, I had a decent life. I love the way the younger generation is just doin it. They are much more accepting to each other. It's great and I am sooooo happy for all the young guys that are going to be able to enjoy a life with someone they love regardless of whether they are gay or straight.
I have had gay experiences over the years but the guilt was debilitating almost. What a terrible way society has treated people.
Oh well like I said I'm not bitching man.....just love to talk now. I only hope the kids today come through it with their heads held high. They got so much to offer and a whole life to do it. Just live and be happy ,,that's all that counts. If you can't make yourself happy nothing makes any sense.

 

To kinda continue this thread a bit - the realisation of what I really am has made me far more concious of when I'm hiding, and more accepting of the "real me".

This is another story post...

I've recently got back from a short break in the USA with a couple of mates (both straight guys) - to find some nicer weather than we get here in the UK at this time of year...

but anyway, back to the point...

For those of you not in the USA, there's a chain of restaurants over there called "Hooters" - basically not-too-bad food, european beer :icon_wink , and, how can I put this politely - "well endowed young women" as waitresses.

In 7 days in the US, we ate there 3 times (including election night). The others wanted to go, I just played along - but let them debate the merits of the waitressing staff. I didn't find anyone there attractive in the slightest... it got kinda tiresome by the end of the week - I was considering coming out to them towards the end of the trip - but one of them made a few comments about gay people in his office, and I decided I didn't want to risk the friendship over it.

I sometimes wish I was strong enough to talk to my friends.

Sometimes I go through days where I'm questioning myself, "am I really gay?" - I've not doubt other people have similar experiences...

 

I have felt a few times myself questioning myself and asking if I am really gay. Then I realize:

-I am not all attracted to woman, I do not want to be in a relationship with a woman neverless have sex with them.
-I am attracted to men . Whenever I have any erotic dreams they are always with men.

It gets easier for me each day. Now I plan to slowly come out to a few of my friends then my family after the new year.

 

You're definitely not the only one. I'm 30 next week and in a similar boat
so it's not unusual and there are quite a few slightly older people on here. It's hard as well when you don't know who to talk to as it's difficult sometimes to mention it to firiends and you don't want to be a burden on people. I want to tell people but I kind of don't want to cause a fuss (which is I guess a British thing a bit).

If you want someone to talk to you can message me (I think that's possible somehow)

Gareth (Ogniredol)

 

^^

I can relate to the above comment and I am not British . I am so ready to come out to my friends and family. Today I went to my friend's mother's wake. On the way home, its about a 45 minute drive, it really hit me that life is way too short and I want to be honest with my friends and family so they know who I really am. As I have said in previous posts I am going to wait to tell my family until after the holidays. There is a lot going on now with my family so I feel its the right thing to do. Even though I know it,waiting totally sucks and its driving me crazy.

 

I have recently joined EC and this thread has been one of best ones that I have read so far. I relate to many here which makes me feel more comfortable of who I am. I grew up in a home as if sex didn't exist...as a teenager I forced myself to stop thinking about women since I was taught that is wrong. I felt so much guilt of having feelings towards women, to over come this guilty feeling I avoided the whole thing, but once in a while the feelings were there and hard to get rid of...especially when I was dating this guy and this woman was checking me out, I thought if I wasn't with him I would go talk to her...but being in a relationship gave me another excuse to suppress the feelings. Until recently when my friend told me he is gay...knowing him for over 10 years and never really thought that he was gay, he showed me that it is possible to express one's feelings of who they are. For past few months I was so frustrated as I kept thinking about woman and never occured to me to actually admit that I like women as well...until with my friend's indirect help and later support I told him and my other friend...I don't feel as guilty anymore but it's there, uncertainty, lonelyness and frustration...accept when I am in groups of people who are NOT heterosexuals...than it feels normal and I can be myself...

so you are not alone to feel that way, things I find helpful is being around people that have different sexual orientation, another thing I found helpful is counselor/therapist and also talking to people that I trust and building support network of people I know...avoiding negative comments people say about other sexual orientations...still long way to go, step by step, but the greatest thing is to admit it to oneself....

 

Gareth - thanks for that - I know I'm not the only one over 25 on here :icon_wink as for messaging, I think I need to graduate to "full membership" first...

As I've said there's only a couple of people in my offline life who know about me, and as they're a couple, If I want to talk with them, it's always *both* of them, and I feel I'm eating into the time they more than likely want to spend with each other...

I also get a bit "low" and "lonely" from time to time - and I worry about causing a fuss and being a burden too...

 

I feel the same way also from time to time. I am busy during the week and interact with a lot of people. When the weekend comes, it can get lonely. I can only visit friends and family so much. I want to be able to meet someone who I can do things with and hold and have them hold me. I am working on it though. I started to date online and met a couple of nice guys...see what happens. (*hug*)