Hi everyone this is my first post here. I'm 19 years old. I've been coming out to more and more people over the last two or three years. Some of it has gone really well and some of it has gone really bad. I'm lucky that my sister is really supportive and so are most of my friends, but my mom, who really I love to death, is in complete denial. I came out to her maybe 8 months ago by writing her a long letter. It was several hours after she had read the letter that she confronted me to speak about what I had told her. Before I tell you what she said, I have to let you know that my mom is a super Catholic lady and I think that's enough said. So my mom begins by telling me she loves me and all that good stuff, and then moves on to tell to me to pray and go to church and stay close to Jesus. I completely anticipated this but she went on for a good 10 or 15 minutes. Eventually, I did get sick of it and interrupted and started getting very irritated. My mom pretty much had no concern or interest about how I felt when I really just needed some emotional support. After some arguing the conversation ended. A week later after nothing else being said about the subject, I brought it up again. This time my mom said what I knew she had been thinking. She said that she thought I wasn't really gay, that I hadn't lived enough and that I was just sensitive. I told her she was in denial. She said maybe, but she didn't think so. That right there was the last time we've ever spoken of me being gay. Even when we did speak of it, my mom never even uttered the word gay. It's like she thought it was to terrible of a word to apply to me. When I try to slowly bring it up my mom just freezes and says nothing, so I don't continue. The whole point of me coming out was so I wouldn't have to constantly be silent but with my mom acting like it never happened, I might as well still be in the closet. That doesn't even cover my dad. I've been dying to tell my dad lately. It's absolutely killing me. He is the last big person I have to tell, then I really don't care who knows. I just can't seem to get up the courage to tell him, knowing the way my mom responded. My dad is really strict Catholic too and I know he'll still love me, but I just don't want to see the look on his face when I tell him. I know he'll get over it, but it won't exactly be a happy moment for him. Do you guys think it would be bad to write him a letter too or should I just tell him face to face?
Hi there! First, welcome to EC! I'm sorry to hear about your mom's reaction. She is in deep denial and it will conceivably take quite some time for her to come around to it. It seems that your mom has a lot of preconceived ideas about homosexuality, partly because of her religion, and it will take time for her to learn and realize that there is nothing wrong with being gay. You have taken a major step and have allowed your mom to get to know the real you. There are some good resources available online (pflag.org), where you will find some material/information that you might want to give your mom to read. You will also find some material in local libraries. I think it is really good that you still try to talk to your mom. Even though it seems that the conversation is not going anywhere, I would encourage you to keep talking to her and show her that you have not changed and that you are still the great son before coming out to her. You have mentioned that you have come out to your sister and that she is really supportive. I am just wondering if you could perhaps enlist her support as well in talking to your mom. Take comfort in knowing that your sister and friends are supportive and accepting. Given that your dad is catholic and your mom's response, I think it would be maybe better if you waited a bit. From what you have said, and even though there is a part of you that wants to come out to him, maybe it is not the right time to tell him. I think it is important that you also think about the emotional toll that this can have on you should your dad have a similar reaction as your mom. Sometimes, it is better to wait. Waiting and gathering the support of your support network, can help you to gain the courage that you need to come out to your dad. I hope this helps!
Lazybum098, here's the link where you can download some PFLAG materials. Make sure you print off the Your Daughters and Sons and Faith in Our Families. http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=594&srcid=416 I think you have to figure out what is going to cause your more anguish not telling your dad or telling your dad and having him react badly. I wouldn't automatically assume he's going to react like your mother did because alot of times that doesn't happen. I'm remembering the couple that were driving out of the Love Won Out conference where I was standing with PFLAG handing out brochures. The mother wouldn't even look at us but the dad told her "TAKE THE INFORMATION!" He was pretty forceful about it. I'm wondering if they are still married. :eek: If you decide to tell him, I think a letter is fine.
