I see how it can be helpful to have a running thread, so here goes: I began, probably two years ago (one year into my marriage) to have some deep feelings surfacing that I couldn't put a finger to. DADT was repealed and while I was overjoyed, I felt sorrow, like I had 'sold out'. My sister came out and was married, and I couldn't have been happier, and again, I felt a deep sense of what felt like some sort of sad jealousy. I did not know why I felt that way. My husband and I went to a gay bar to see my friend's Drag King show, it was the first time I went to a gay bar, and I just wanted to hug everyone in the place, I was so happy, I cried tears of joy, I looked at him and said, I just feel like I belong. The last maybe, I don't know, three or four months have been so difficult. I couldn't deny what I was feeling anymore. It could not be summed up by bisexuality any more. I could not continue to attribute my issues with hetero intimate relations to trauma any more. I couldn't ignore my past of soul crushing love I had with women. It felt like my heart was in a cage. It was not about sex. I did not need to go out and have sex with a woman to start to acknowledge the truth to myself. I had always from my tweens been attracted to women. It was only my fear of my parent's religion, my fear of being different, the dream of the 'ever after', the expectations of hetero-normativity, the intense desire and therefore fear of my love for women that had me 'settling' upon the label of bisexual. I have always been romantically and sexually attracted to women. I actually went in and out of the closet twice in the last four months with my mom and my husband. Thinking about the implications of my marriage in the face of truly being a lesbian gave my anxiety disorder a hyperdrive. I was a mess. Complete mess. Once I read a few books, found EC, started posting here, and had my first meeting with my LGBT+ counselor, things have settled down, emotionally. I am out to my husband and it is bittersweet. We both love each other as friends and have been through so much. Now that we don't have to pretend to be sexual and romantic, all our problems have disappeared. But we don't like the death of the dream that was us, even though we know it will have to change into best friends and co-parents. I told my mom yesterday, in a long, hour long conversation. I don't think she really believed me previously, I think she was thinking (like I was) that I was bisexual and just the sexual trauma from men in the past had made hetero sex difficult but not impossible. The longer I talked with her the more it made sense. Especially when I explained to her that I had actually been in love with the best friends in high school... she went, aaahaaa! And got it. She's in my corner. She loves me and supports me. Today I told my friend in a facebook message. She kept inviting me out and I kept making excuses about why I couldn't go out. Finally I couldn't take it and I figured either I would have a closer friend or none at all, and I told her my husband and I were separating, and it was because I'm gay. Thank goodness, she didn't waste a second. She immediately told me that it doesn't change a thing and she loves me as I am. I want to be out more, but I don't feel like it's quite right since my husband and I are planning to co-habitate until at least November. I am very close to finishing my degree, and we want me to be able to get a good job to support the kids and live well. Plus we are both in individual counseling; splitting up right now wouldn't do anybody any good. Our kids would suffer and neither of us have either hurt each other badly to warrant it, or are ready to go dating yet anyways. Last night, in tears, I put my elaborate engagement and wedding band set into the memory box, and put a plain band on my ring finger instead. I won't walk around like I'm single or with the mindset that I'm available, but it was the step of putting away the straight marriage as I knew it. It hurt, so bad, but I think it would hurt more for a lifetime to put my heart back into the cage again. So that's my story so far. Every time I come out to someone, I'll come back here and post it. Thank you for reading.
So here I am for the update. I'm not quite sure at this point where I am and what labels fit me 'for sure'. What I have realized is that a huuuuge part of my unhappiness was due to gender identity and expression, and less my sexual identity/attractions. I thought that I could only express myself the way I wanted to express myself was with a woman. The happiest I had ever been was when I was in a relationship with a woman. As I went through the process of questioning, I started allowing myself to dress and act as I pleased, no longer concerned with what I assumed my spouse would find attractive in a woman, or what society would think was an appropriate way for a married woman in a 'straight' (not) marriage should act. The more and more I changed myself, the happier and happier I became. I cut off my hair into a style I never would have let myself. I bought men's pants, I wore boxers, I went out and bought men's button downs and flannels and boots and let it all go where I wanted it to go. I realized something else. One of the things about being in the military that I had missed so, so badly was my 'military self'. The person who walked about in boots, in the same uniform as the guys, who could cuss like them and drink like them and smoke and 'manspread' and turn wrenches and stand up for myself, and all these things were possible, in my own mind, because of the uniform. Of course, wearing the uniform as a woman made me also never forget that I was still never one of them, and paid the price in harassment and assault. But my overwhelming grief of losing my military days was hugely a part of losing that part of me, the masculine part. So the more I brought that 'tomboy' back, brought back my male nickname, brought back my masculine swagger, brought back the short cut, brought back all the old ways... the happier I became. The more I glowed. However I just wasn't happy about considering myself 100% gay. On the sexual front I also realized something. Since childhood, yes, I had been attracted to women. But also I had hated the development of my breasts, and I had always wished, sexually, to be the dominator, the penetrator, and even had had dreams of being 'the man'. I realized I had at least some measure of dysphoria. This stunned me. I thought that I felt these ways because I resented 'being a girl' in a man's world, not that I had genuine signs of dysphoria. This staggered me. So now I don't really know what I am. I am calling myself queer and genderqueer. I've been able to have a sucessfull and happy intimate encounter with my spouse with myself as the 'top' and the penetrator. I did not take off my shirt and was completely the 'top'. This ended up being really nice and I didn't have any of the shame or dissatisfaction that I always used to have. So what does that make me? Bi? I don't know. I've come out as genderqueer to my sister, my mom, and two of my friends. It was really quite anti-climatic. I really think all they got out of it was 'tomboy'. I tried my best to describe the dysphoric feelings about always have wanted my breasts gone to my mom and she tried to understand but gave me a lot of self esteem lectures. Both her and my sister jokingly asked if when I get my reduction if they can have the rest (I am the only one, effing ironically, who has been cursed with these things). My friends have been like, oh sure I hate dresses too. I guess this should be good. While I want to get a reduction and dress masculine, go by a male name, etc. I don't plan to do hormones or get a bottom surgery. I feel like I'll always be seen as a tomboyish woman, or as a butchy woman. Which is a way better deal, socially, than what a fully transitioning person has to deal with. A women wearing masculine clothing doesn't have to deal with as much stigma as a man doing the same. So this is something I should be happy about, I guess, that I can be genderqueer and not face as much stigma as other types of genderqueer folks have to face. But at the same time I'm like, no it's more than just not liking dresses. Well that's it for now. Out as genderqueer this point to sister, mom and two friends, all of whom reacted positively, even if they didn't seem to grasp the extent. Also my mom was kind of sad about not calling me by the feminine version of my name but I was asking her please, so she said OK. So I'll update as the story goes.
