Blown away.

I decided that yesterday was to be the day I came out to my husband. To say That I was scared was putting it lightly. I had it all planned out and knew what I wanted to say and how to say it. I tried to think of ways that wouldn't hurt him but there was no way around that. I only hoped that he would understand, somehow. I took little solace in the fact that we had only been together 10 months so it wasn't like we had a lot of history and maybe it would go a little easier. I envisioned all of the possible outcomes and none of them good. But I never in my wildest dreams could have foreseen what happened.
We came home from lunch and I told him we had to talk, I needed to tell him something. We sat on the couch, I took his hand , fought back the tears and just came out with it. Not the speech I had in my head but straight forward "Rick, I'm gay." He just stared at me with his mouth hanging open and finally said. "Umm. O.k. You are a lesbian?" I told him the process I went through and how I finally accepted the truth. "you're sure of this? Maybe it's a phase or something." I assured him it was not a phase, that I had never been so sure of anything in my life, and that I feel calm and at ease with that decision. After bursting his bubbles about "sister wives" and 3somes on demand , all he said was "You're serious." I said "yes" and that we needed to discuss where we go from here. I caught a glimpse of a tear in his eye as he turned away, got up and said "I need to think about this" and left. I started crying like crazy. (Done a lot of that, lately). I turned on the t.v. for some noise and laid back on the couch and stared off into no where, wondering what was next. Second guessing myself. Maybe there was some other way. I hated myself for the pain I caused him but he would've found out eventually anyway. When I give myself to someone it's 100% so it really couldn't be any other way. No "sharing" or pretending. No false fronts to the world. At that moment, I hated the word lesbian, angry at myself for being one and ruining a great marriage with a wonderful man. But I am what I am. Being raised in a small town Southern Baptist tradition, I believed in God if not the church. I knew that I was a child of God and his creation and He doesn't make junk. I am what He made me and a sense relief came over me. Somehow, things will work out.
I must have lain there 30 minutes or more when my son and d-in-law popped in. I said that this wasn't a good time and told them what had happened. "But mom. Rick called me and asked if we could come over. What's going on?" I had no idea so we just talked and hugged and cried some more when Rick finally came back, carrying a bunch of Winn-Dixie bags. He set them on the counter and dumped out 5 pounds of cooked shrimp, a bunch of different cheeses and crackers and a bottle of alcohol-free champagne. I just looked at him ,dumbfounded, and finally asked him what the hell is going on. He just pulled out 4 glasses, opened the bottle, poured some champagne in each glass and handed them out.
"Where I grew up, in 60s Savannah, I had a large extended family that all lived within blocks of each other. When there was a major life event in any of the families, we all got together to celebrate it. A big party to wish them well. Well, this is a major life event for you and me. When I left, I was angry and hurt. But then I realized what you must be going through and how hard it must be. So I decided, why be unhappy when this is a time for celebration. A new beginning for the woman I love and a new direction for me. If this is what you need to be happy, then go for it. I'm with you, baby. All I ask is that you wait 6 months before filing for divorce. I want you to absolutely sure first." Those words are burned in my memory, never to be forgotten. I just broke down (again. How can the body make so many tears?). I said I could do that and hugged him so tight.
So we all gorged on shrimp, cheese, crackers and champagne. We finally laughed again. We smiled, we joked. For that moment in time, it was perfect. How I wished it could always be that way.
After we had our fill of goodies, he reached into a bag and pulled out a dvd. He said he ran into B&N to see what they had and found this one. It's called "Elena Undone". He said it was his contribution to my new life. We put it in and it is the most beautiful movie I have ever seen. The Ultimate chick flick. But even the guys liked it. (Probably because of the subject matter)
Maybe part of all this is his attempt to win me back. I don't know, but, in the end, when all is said and done, he supports me. He is my best friend and I love him to death. I know this is breaking his heart but for him to do all of this just for me tells me he does love me and that, really, is what matters.
Later in the night, he asked if I were seeing anyone, I said no but had been chatting with a woman on line. Then he said he should have seen this coming. I asked him why and he said that "when you leave your computer unattended, you should close the lesbian website you were at." Ooopps!:eusa_danc

 

Thank you, Hon. It is a big load off of my shoulders. It went well but would never want to go that again.:lol:

---------- Post added 18th Jan 2015 at 04:59 PM ----------

Thank you, sweetheat. :eusa_danc