It took me 26 years to get to this point. Ughhh... I always thought love was sad, or that it was fickle, or that I just didn't care about anyone but myself. I once told a friend that love didn't exist for me. I victimized myself in relationships, feeling empty rather than fulfilled. Sexually things were alright-ish but emotionally I couldn't do the dating thing. And eventually sex became emotionally hard. When I was 24, I started meditating, just to get in touch with my instincts, after moving and relocating my life and experiencing depression and isolation. Then one day I saw one of my friends in a different light; like no crush I'd ever experienced before. Not fully. Everything before that moment had been complicated and forced. This was different. She was straight so I had to get over her. I dated another woman, and when she couldn't give anymore we broke up. I still thought I was bisexual, so I tried dating a straight cis guy and I tried dating a queer guy. I started questioning my gender. I didn't believe I was gay. I wound up starting a new meditation regimen, and felt the familiar lifting of the overanalyses and overcomplications in my head. This year I finally fell hard again, for a friend. Things didn't work out again, but I finally decided to acknowledge the fact that I could be in fact exclusively gay. My heart broke, but it broke wide open. There's no alternative. I can't ignore it anymore. My life is so different than it was even 3 years ago. I got to adulthood never having experienced love, and now I'm experiencing it all over. I wish I weren't gay sometimes. I'm picky so it's slim pickings, and it's been a bunch of heartbreaks for me so far. But that's okay. I'm gonna be okay. And I wouldn't trade the heartbreak for another empty relationship with someone I can never love. So I'm just gonna keep loving women who don't love me back until I find one who does. And it's gonna be fucking glorious. And even with all this rejection I'm feeling more confident in myself than ever. And yes I'll hit stumbling blocks but fuck if I'm not feeling so alive nothing matters. Because love does exist. It does exist for me. Even if it feels more :dry: than (!) right now.
