A True Story: My Life and How I Came to Realize I was Gay

Now, I am going to tell my story here with a little bit of extravagance and flavour but also with truth.

My story begins as a young boy aged 14, now I was a young, skinny, short and very blonde boy at this age. Now not much happened here that I can remember, I can remember hugging a friend of mine from behind because I somewhat felt that he was lonely and wanted a nice hug from another guy, but that was because he hugged so many other guys and I felt a little bit bad that he was never getting hugged himself and so I resolved to embrace him in a hug, at assembly one fateful Friday was when this moment happened and as I embraced him it felt soft and because I was worried about how people saw me I quickly let go, because I felt a little nervous about when I would hug him and so I decided to do it as a surprise hug. Now this moment led to the first time I was asked, "Are you gay." Now I denied it straight outright as my young self always thought himself as a normal albeit a bit weird guy.

This brings us through the years, but first I shall tell you of a guy who I stared at for quite a long time when I was 13, 14 and 15 years old. He was a crush at the time I just watched him for days and although I never felt anything super strong I just enjoyed spending my days staring at this guy. At 15 I decided to ask him to be closer to me and become my best friend(now I realize that I honestly wanted a lot more than friendship). I wrote a letter expressing my feelings how he made me feel wanted and I wanted to be his best friend. I sent one of my other friends on a errand as I was super nervous in how my friend and crush would react, then the word spread I was the weird kid who wasn't normal and I was the outcast. I became depressed and I felt lonely and not wanted by anyone(not realizing that I felt this way only for guys and not for girls). As I had plenty of female friends I talked to one of them every single day and this one female helped me, she was pretty much my BFF. I got through my depression by not caring about anyone and believing that they were all the same and would betray me at the first moment they had.

In the upcoming years much happened to me, I changed myself from being a guy who fit in with all the females to a guy who tried to fit in with all the guys, occasionally I would have moments in which that guy who wanted to be close to other guys came out by being super nervous at being called out for staring at guys in the locker room and so I locked myself in the only bathroom stall and took my sweet ass time so I could be the last one out and so I wouldn't even have anyone to look at, but then at times I would look at guys including the one crush who hurt my feelings and he was the one who was most vocal. He was almost a bully to me as he didn't realize that he was hurting me and making me feel like I could never let myself show. I became a darker person in personality, by playing violent games and just letting myself do evil things. This wasn't me and it was me trying to be straight and so I used something to my advantage, I acted as if I was a flamboyant straight French lover type of man. I would pretend to woo females in front of my male friends but the one moment a female didn't see through my games ended in a one day relationship, she called me her boyfriend and I didn't agree but she was talking so fast that I couldn't say anything and then I pretty much just said no that afternoon. I kept playing my role and acting my life in this role, but then in comes the other guy who wanted to be close to the same sex, he came out and I stared again at guys, on the bus stop I could just open my mouth to look tired while staring at a guy who I found attractive but I would never admit it. Another guy at school then became a crush as I found myself staring at him and for the first time ever in secret I thought up a list and saying it out loud, I rated the guys at the school from hottest to least. My two crushes were at the top easily, But this new guy opened up another part of me. I also made a crutch for myself, I identified as asexual just to keep myself feeling safer and not hurt by others.

This year was uneventful as such, but it began with thoughts of my former crush at high school and I was in bed with him. I began to fantasize and these fantasies always resulted in me having sex and being dominated by my former crush. In my mind something just came out and it was, "Because I'm gay I enjoyed but to my crush it was hard." This was the very first time I had thought something like this. I then began to research and I made friends with one guy who I spoke to and he asked me about my sexuality, "I said I was asexual and then I gave a definition for it." Meanwhile my fantasies got dirtier and dirtier and also I began to see me and my former crush living together, I got in contact with the guy and asked him if he wanted to catch up and we did, I stopped thinking about him in that way as I saw him as a friend now as we spoke and because he was straight I was able to gain a friend and my crush on him disappeared into thin air. But by this stage I was researching sexuality and wondering if I could possibly actually be a homosexual man and being guilty of watching too many feminine gay men on TV, it was the way I saw gay men at the time, so to me to have masculine interests and be gay was almost unheard of. So I began to look for examples of gay men who were average guys who just happened to be attracted to men. All websites said that Gay men were super feminine until I came across the land of empty closets. This forum provided me with answers and I joined to ask one question, was I right in concluding that I was gay and were gay men all like the stereotype or not because I never found the answer anywhere else. I began to accept myself and be more comfortable with myself being gay. So I came out to my mother and I came out to a couple of friends. This coming out was uneventful as I simply told them I was gay finally being comfortable enough to come out the closet as to which I was locked away. My mother reacted with instant denial and I've come to realize that she may take as long as I did to accept myself as gay(5 years of denial and one year of research). So this is my story.

Coming onto the 7th year since that first day, I've begun to make positive change back to my personality of the before questioning in which I was the cute shy guy who cried and was a wee bit emotional compared to rest of the boys. I also have unleashed my feminine side being a bit more into fashion and wanting to actually look great in my everyday life. I have changed a lot since the day I was a young 14 year old wanting to give my friend a hug cause he deserved it because he gave so many hugs out in the first place. This story is my journey and it has only yet begun for me.

Thanks guys for taking the time to read this. Here is a hug for all of you who have taken the time to read through my story. (&&&)(*hug*)