late outing... lessons for younger outers?

That's an incredible story. I'm glad to see you're trying to help others learn from your mistakes. I'm sorry it was so difficult for you, but you seem to be improving. I'm sure things will take time to sort out, but coming out is always the first step. (*hug*)

 

Thank you so much for your story, and for your advice. You've given me a lot to think about.

 

I hope that you do not resort to self harm. Have you told your doctor and therapist that you do not feel any improvement? Maybe you should try to see a psychotherapist instead or someone who can help you change the way you feel about yourself. You can try to change medications and cover up the pain and ignore how much you are hurting at times but the best way to solve these problems is to fight them at the source. I would reccommend trying positive self talk, meditation, and exercise. These things bring me peace and maybe trying to change your living habits into a positive new routine will help you progress.

 

I identify with much of your story, as do many members of EC. The town I grew up in was super conservative and gay people magically did not exist. I have similar mental health problems, most likely caused from being closeted, and I know firsthand that it does indeed make everything harder. I came out to my best friend last week, and am soon to come out to parents and family. I am 27, and I'm tired of being isolated and single. My life feels empty, yet I have so much going for me, I should be happy.

I noticed the way you speak, it sounds like you accept these things and have no intentions on changing it. I would suggest imagining an ideal life you want, and slowly work towards it. Dreaming and hoping will help, good luck

 

This just makes me want to come out to my family, because I have been putting it off forever.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I appreciate the fact that you would take the time to help out the younger ones! (*hug*)

 

A good story it will help me to come out to more people thank you for sharing (*hug*)

 

Just now coming out to people in my late-40s, I feel like I lost so much of myself from all those years in the closet. I wish you inner peace as you struggle.

 

Well, reading your story just made me think (as with many other stories here on EC) that I was in some ways reading an autobiography.

Everyone (from family to friends and everyone in between) keeps on asking "why don't you have a girlfriend?", and I give the excuse that I'm focusing on my career (which is true, I have an *incredibly* successful career for someone that's 33 and didn't go to college) - but there's obviously more to it than that, and I've become, as Andmow, tired of being lonely and single - it just took a few more years for me.

I can understand the regret of not coming out to your parents before they passed away, and I'm DETERMINED that won't happen to me.

And I'm really sorry to hear that your struggles are continuing four years later, but in my view, self harm is NEVER the answer to anything. It's a very permanent solution to a very temporary problem.

 

To begin with, it's good that you came back and updated people on your situation. Talking to others - even if online - will probably not be a bad thing.

There is certainly a difference between knowing what's happening and being able to do something about it, but try not to think of that gap as an indication that you're doing anything wrong. From your first post, it sounds like you've got a long history to overcome, and while that doesn't mean you can't overcome it, it does mean you will probably have to be patient.

Did anything happen recently that led you to consider hurting yourself? Either an event, or a new thought you had about things that have already happened? Whatever the case, again, talking about it might help with it. Feel free to PM me (or any staff member) if you like.

 

Hi, and welcome back to EC. I'm glad you came back - because just writing here again starts to address your loneliness and isolation. You're not alone when you're here with all of us.

I admit and recognize that I've been incredibly fortunate, but I can also relate to much of what you wrote. My inner conflict drove me to addiction, and it was because things got as bad as they did that I got the help I needed and can appreciate the things I have today.

All I can say is - keep going. If the medication or the doctor isn't making you feel better, then try another until you find something that works. What you describe from your childhood was probably more traumatic than you give it credit for - and it will take time and effort to overcome all of it. But I believe you can.

Feel free to reach out to me as well - as I came out later in life an am now 42.

Welcome back.

 

Do you have any specific, attainable goals in mind? And have you started working towards achieving any of them?

Lex

 

I was thinking more along the lines of if anything had happened in your life recently - some sort of triggering event. But if not, then that's another thing to consider.

Seeking out a new therapist may be a good move. Whether it was foolish or not, if you were out of counseling and off meds and you noticed a negative change, then seeking those things out again might be a good idea. You should feel proud that you sought out the meeting - it isn't always an easy thing to do. I hope it goes well.

I'm assuming you talked to your last therapist about the incident from 2005?

 

Thank you for sharing your story. I am not sure I can offer advice, but I thought I would reply if only to express my solidarity with you. Your life experience growing up almost exactly matches my own. I am 45 and was brought up in London, by the way. I don't have nearly the issues you have. But I do know how our early life experiences resonate through our lives, and dealing with those experiences can be incredibly difficult.

 

Reading your recent posts it sounds like you've hit rock bottom with depression. I've been on that roller coaster all my adult life and its root cause is firmly cemented in my sexuality which I haven't dealt with yet. Like you I've opted to hide it and put all my energy into my work, building up a successful career but that doesn't make up for being lonely and not having someone to share my life with... I'm working on that right now, but its tough accepting myself, guess I'm my own biggest enemy!

My doctor explained to me that once you've suffered from depression it's easier to have another episode which can be triggered by something totally unrelated such as work stress or a sudden change in life circumstances. Not all anti depressants are created equal and if the one you are on doesn't work for you, ask your doctor to prescribe another until you find one that works, bearing in mind that it takes up to 6 weeks for some anti depressants to start working. I've also been told by my doctor that you need to be on the meds for at least 6 months or else you have a pretty good chance for a relapse... And then cardinal to remember is that the meds only treats the symptoms and not the cause so therapy is an important part to try and fix the root cause.

Talking about therapy, out of desperation I've decided to try hypnotherapy with a renowned psychiatrist here in South Africa two months ago. I always thought of it as a far fetched concept but I am willing to try anything. I've had one successful session and even though I'm the biggest sceptic when it comes to these sorts of things I was able to identify and come to terms with issues of my early childhood that I've completely forgotten about, things that I had no idea was influencing my adult life rather negatively. A lot have changed in me since I've had that session. I'm a lot less concerned with what other people think of me and for the first time in my life I'm open to the idea of a relationship with someone. I'm planning on going back this year, I'd like to book a whole weeks worth of sessions with him and see what else there is. I'm mentioning this because maybe this route of therapy might help you too.

 

So much of your story (esp the early stuff) resonates with me too. I only came out properly to almost everyone 18 months ago - in my late 40s.
I have been seeing a therapist (who is gay himself) which has helped alot, but also recently attended a weekend workshop for gay men in London run by two incredible guys who are trained life coaches. Not sure the rules of EC allow me to say more about this course, but some googling should allow to find out about it or similar workshops. The huge advantage of the workshop over individual 1:1 therapy was the hugely powerful experience of sharing face to face in a safe and confidential environment with 17 other gay (from all walks of life, ages, experiences and degrees of 'outness'). I can safely say that one weekend has changed my life. At last I now KNOW I am not alone. At last I can understand the huge pressures (especially the layers and layers of unspoken shame) that you and I and every other gay pressure lives with. Face this shame head on in a room with other gay men and the relief is immense. You are not alone my friend. Be brave and get out there - the support is there for in your own city!!

 

You are not alone in your situation and suffering. I wish all of us depressed loners could get together and have a party every Friday.

I didn't want to talk about this stuff, but i really want you to know that you are not alone. These are things I've never told anyone. I'm in my forties and it seems I'm getting older so much faster now. I have no friends and no hope of finding any because of the situation I'm in now. I'm a virgin (technically not as you'll see later). I lost every good friend I ever came out to, so I stopped coming out to friends. When I got new friends, I felt so bad because I wanted to come out to them, but I knew I'd just lose them. So, I kind of dumped my friends and avoided making new ones. Coming out of that depression, I thought hey, I'll just find friends who are already gay, that way I don't have to worry about coming out to them. Well, the second gay guy I ever met, well this is kind of hard to type out here, well, he raped me. As a gay guy who has attempted suicide, I know what it is like to be so depressed that I can't even describe right now because I'm starting to cry just thinking about. To try and try and try and try and try and try and finally know there's no hope left. Not just thinking there is no hope left, but to be absolutely convinced there is no hope

But that's the biggest lie anyone can ever convince themselves of. There's always hope.

It's good to hear that you are going to see a new therapist. Other than that, all I can say is get out and do things. Do anything! Even if you know you are going to hate it. Go for a hike. Ride a roller coaster. Go to the zoo. Eat at a new restaurant. Go to a concert. Anything, just keep on doing things and eventually you'll find things you like and the ice will break. But it's going to be tough.

For me, it was starting to swim again. I love the water but people can be such bastards. I'm not going to explain why, but people stair at me and mutter things I can hear. That kept me out of the pool for so long. I found a time to go swimming without many people In the pool and that helped me ease back in to it. Then one day, one of the swim teams changed their practice time, without me knowing it, and I found myself surrounded by all these young ripped jocks, gaping at me and making comments. I almost died. But I toughed it out and got to the water. About every 20 minutes though, the scene replayed in my head in the middle of a lap and I breathed in a lung full of water. So that was the worst of it. Here's the good part. A few days later I'm in the pool, taking a break between laps and this guy starts talking. I start wipping my head back and forth trying to figure out who he is talking to and then figure out he's talking to me. He was one of those guys on the swim team. Anyway he saw some bad things I was doing and spent the next 20 minutes helping me fine tune my strokes.

The point is, get out there and live life! It's going to be tough, but eventually you'll find things that make you happy and you will make connections. There's always hope, even if you can't see it.