Hello everyone. I wanted to share my story with you in part because it helps me to reflect on my journey, and feel a sense of pride about where I am in life now. But I also desperately want to help those who feel like there's no way out, and that they are lost in the world. Once upon a time, I felt like that too. When I think about my childhood, I still get an overwhelming sense of failure and humility. That's the way I felt through most of it. I was born and raised in Kentucky. Lived in a small house in a very rural community. People living there had a very narrow view of the world. Children were raised to carry on these views. But even at a very young age, I knew I was different than most of the kids I grew up with. I never made many friends. I didn't fit in. I was considered weird by the other kids. Different. I was just being my happy, outgoing, creative self. But when I was looked down on because of it, I started to look down on myself. Now that I look back, it's hard to think that my first memories of childhood were filled with such negative feelings. Such self-loathing. I kept to myself for the most part. But that didn't stop me from being a target for ridicule. I was bullied and teased off and on. I spent most of my days in fear, waiting for the next blow to my self esteem. I rarely fought back. Each time it happened I felt more and more weak. It made me look at myself with disgust...I was worthless... I was nothing. This is how I saw myself through my school years. There were some ups and downs, of course. There's also good that comes with the bad. But there was always an underlying sense of loneliness. There were times when this surfaced and was very consuming. To overcome this, I tried to adapt to everyone else. Be someone I wasn't. I felt like I needed friends, and needed to be accepted somehow, even if it wasn't for who I truly was. My secret haunted me throughout my entire life. I locked it away. Tried to hide it. Thought if I didn't acknowledge it I could go on with life and be ordinary. What happened by hiding my identity was that I stripped myself of so much. I became less of a person. I didn't know myself. I didn't know who I was. I felt like I had no purpose, no meaning. I made it through the ridicule and managed to make a few friends, but it wasn't real. I was just trying to survive. I graduated high school. That in itself felt liberating. I didn't feel so trapped and out of place anymore. There were so many things I wanted to do, and knew that I had to take responsibility for myself and my happiness. I struggled. It was hard to find a job, and I had a difficult time deciding what I wanted to do with my life. But I learned so much through those struggles. And I was looking at the world in a different way, from my own perspective. My own eyes. I became more and more self aware. Then something surfaced. Something inside of me that I hid for so long. Something I was afraid and ashamed of, and didn't understand. Something I didn't allow to be seen, even by me. But it found it's way out, and there was a choice I had to make. Will I hide this truth like I have been? Lock it away again. Or will I let it out? Will I free it? I set it free. The feelings I experienced after that... I don't know how to describe it. An overwhelming sense of freedom rushed over me and I couldn't hold it on. I became emotional. Never have I experienced anything like it. That was the moment in which I finally came to life. When I told myself.... I'm gay. I know through my experience, accepting my true self was the best thing I have ever done. I wasn't just trying to survive anymore. I was living. Struggles come after that, and there are some very difficult experiences you may go through, but you have to do it. It's worth it. No matter what people say or think about you, you've got to be you. And one day, you can surround yourself with people who love YOU. Life is so much better after that. So this is my coming out story. Coming out to myself was such a freeing experience and gave me the courage to continue my life as not only a gay man, but as an authentic human being. I will post more of my coming out journey in other posts. To anyone who is struggling with coming out or anyone who feels lost and alone in the world, I hope this post helps you. I want everyone out there to accept themselves for who they really are. Once you accept yourself, you can start to love yourself. And that, I believe, is the only way you can truly be happy. Thank all of you for reading!!
