I've come out to my third person today. The first person I ever came out to was a close friend I made at summer camp and have known since I was 12. I was 14 when I first told her about a crush I had. She thought that I was straight, and asked about HIM. I told her that I had a crush on a female. I never would have told her that if I hadn't known that she was openly bisexual. She came out only a couple months before I told her. I wonder what I would have done if she hadn't come out. The only reason I told her was because I felt like I would burst with the secret, and I knew that she wouldn't be hateful about homosexuality. (Unlike the rural church community I had experienced, but that's another story). I've never told her that I'm gay specifically, in fact she probably thinks I like both guys and girls. But I still feel like I had outed myself to her in some respect. The second person I outed myself to was my mom, only about a week ago. I wrote down things in a journal. My mom read an entry in this journal without my permission, one that happened to be about my sexuality. She showed it to me and I broke down crying and refused to talk about it. A few days later I was willing to talk about it to her. She seemed so kind when she first found out that I didn't see her response coming. I thought I would have had to beg her not to tell anyone, only to find that she told me I couldn't tell anyone how I felt. She said a multitude of offensive things. She told me that I didn't like girls, I only admired them. She told me that I would change and like boys as they matured. She told me that "the things I was thinking about" weren't real and I was just a teenager so it didn't count. She told me that the only reason that I thought I liked girls was because guys wouldn't pay me attention. She told me that God never intended for marriage to be anything but between a man and a woman. She told me to date boys and then see how I'd like them. She told me that I thought I was gay because I have gay family members. She told me that I thought I was gay because how DARE people tell children homosexuality exists, and how DARE people let it be in the news... Basically, she didn't believe that I was gay. She never even mentioned these sorts of things about her opinion before, so it was completely unexpected. I stayed mostly quiet, only to interrupt when she said "why would you like girls?" by responding with "why do you like guys?". I lost most of the strength I had before. I felt more doubtful than I had been for the years prior I had spent questioning, and it only being a week ago, I feel the same. It was terrible and I was almost ready to come out of the closet when she said that. She never looks at me the same either. I catch my mom staring at me with this strange mix of disappointment and analysis. I outed myself to the third person today. She's my best friend. I was texting her, and added, "also I'm gay. don't tell anyone I'm still in the closet." after one message. She responded with an okay, thanks for trusting me, I promise I won't tell. It felt underrated compared to all of the anxiety I felt. Coming out to her felt like I had punched myself in the stomach. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I read coming out stories so many of them are just fluff. A lot of them say that coming out is so freeing and wonderful, and I just want to put out a story where (even if I'm still in the process of coming out) it's not nearly as great. Each time I came out I felt anxious and terrible about myself. I just want people to know that coming out shouldn't be romanticized. It's great if your coming out story is wonderful and happy. But there should be a reminder that coming out can be painful. The reactions from people you love and you thought loved you unconditionally can be the worse ones. When I first was outed to my mom I thought about it a while later and threw up because of my nerves. My mom will never treat me the same. She refuses to validate my feelings. It hurts to know that she doesn't love me, or at least not the same as she used to. She refuses to acknowledge that I'm gay and yet she still treats me differently because of something she refuses to acknowledge. So please remember that coming out can be painful, because it sure is for me.
I'm really sorry that you've had to go through something like that it isn't fair it isn't right but you've shown a ton of bravery... I hope you can find support in your friend that did accept you and on here...I hope I don't come off as minimizing your situation cause that is definitely not my intent I can't fathom what you must be going through but please try to stay strong
(*hug*) That's really awful; I'm sorry you're in such a terrible situation. Hopefully your mom will at least start to realize you really are gay. I had a friend I came out to who kept saying that I wasn't really gay and that I should try dating guys and I'd like it. It was really hurtful, and she's not my friend anymore. >.< It can only get better with time.
When our parents react badly it can feel like a huge punch in the stomach and may bring on all sorts of overwhelming negative feelings. To help us understand why parents react in the way they do, read this: Empty Closets - Parent and Family Stages of Grief PFLAG offers support to parents, family, friends, so it might be useful to just leave the website details: PFLAG National
You're right about coming out. Sometimes, it doesn't go so well. That's the thing about disclosing a secret, there's always a chance that telling someone will result in a negative reaction. I really feel for you in your situation. Your mom is in complete denial and is trying to throw all of this under the rug. She doesn't want to believe it. She's actually pushing you back into the closet. As far as your friend, she may be taking it all in or maybe she just thinks it's not a big deal. Ask her about what she thinks about it if you want more of a response from her. The only thing that can change your mom's opinion is time. She doesn't understand it and she's learned to be afraid of it. It's hard because you're feeling suffocated and alone at the moment. Like you're backed into a corner. The only thing that will make you feel better about the situation is tell someone. Talk to someone about it who will actually listen. Whether that be friends, a counselor, someone else in your family... you've already reached out on this forum. Just know there are so many people out there rooting for you, because so many of us have been in that situation. And so many of us know the liberating feeling when you step out into the world on your own, and you do find people who accept you... who really accept you. And love you. For who you are. It will happen. I didn't think it would happen for me, but i was pleasantly surprised. That's why I want you to hang in there for now and reach out like you have been doing. I would also like to see an update later on to see how things are going. I wish you all the best. I know things will get better for you. Just embrace yourself and love yourself first. Take care.
I will echo what amigec has told you; there are no guarantees when it comes to coming out. It is not for nothing that many people will avoid this difficult conversation, but you did it and you need to feel proud for what you did, this took courage and a strong dose of vulnerability. It may feel awful, but hopefully, you will have gained a certain confidence that will serve you well in life. We are here to support you, remember that you are not alone.
I'm so sorry you had to deal with this I hope your mum realises and accepts that you really are gay and it's not a teenager phase.
