I grew up in a small town and from juior high on I had crushes on other girls in my high school. I didn't know it was crushes then but technically that's what it was. I thought I admired them and wanted to be like them being as I wasn't popular, just a nerdy tomboy. I was under the impression that all lesbians were big mean bull dykes and there was no way I was like that or was attracted to that so there was no way I could be gay. I didn't have any close friends until I was a sophomore and a new girl came to our school. We instantly became friends. I didn't have any idea what was happening at the time and didn't understand until about a year ago, so with that in mind this is what really happened. She was a bisexual and I fell in love with her. Since I had no prior close friends to compare this relationship to I thought my feelings were normal friendship feelings, when in fact I had fallen deeply in love with her. She used me and took advantage of those feelings. I am bipolar and was very depressed at the time as well. In the early part of our friendship I met a guy (also new to the school) and he became my boyfriend. We were very intamate with eachother, We never 'went all the way' but you know... Anyhow, after I started dating that guy, his name was Tim, my best friend Justina and I would make out and she would rub my back and omg it felt so good. Just her touch would give me goosebumps and drive me crazy. But of course I wasn't gay, because I wasn't a mean bull dyke. I don't really remember what I thought about those feelings for her. I guess in a way that I can't explain I did know I was gay. All that changed when one day I stole a bottle of liquor from my parents and I got very drunk. The next day she told everyone in school I got her drunk, took advantage of her, and that I was a lesbian. It was a very small school so literally everyone hated me and crucified me from then on. I tried very hard to convince them I wasn't gay by having many boyfriends and making friends in other towns who never heard that 'ridiculous' rumor. As time went by I must have been 18 or 19, after I graduated high school anyhow, I had a different best friend, Hillary. I'm not going to say what happened to Justina, but it was bad. Anyhow, One day my friends and I were camping. I had a boyfriend, but I don't remember which one and I told Hillary I might be bisexual because I kind of like girls. Our friendship was never the same. She said it made her uncomfortable when I gave her a hug or even touched her. From that point I believed if I wanted to have friends and survive in this world I had to be straight. A few months later and many boyfriends later I moved to Colorado and made a fresh start. When I was 20, a coworker scheduled a horse back tour where was working part time. She asked if she could bring a friend. Her friend turned out to be this awesome guy that was gay. We had a great time on our horse back ride through the mountains and they convinced me to go to a fetish ball at a gay club. I had so much fun at the club and I thought Christian was such a fun guy. I wanted to go to the gay club again a few weeks later. I called Christian and he gave me directions to meet him at his house first. On the drive to his condo, something clicked in my head. That it was okay to be gay and have friends at the same time. Also that from my previous experience with the gay club I found out that there were many kinds of lesbians. Girls just like me. When I arrived at Christians place, the first thing I said was "I want to find a girlfriend tonight". I haven't been with a guy ever since that night and the thought of doing so now makes me physically sick. Even though I came out to my family and friends doen't mean I have fully came out to myself. I can't get over the past and the fact that I have been burned by every girl I have been close to. I know I am so gay, but I am still emotionally running away from it like I did in high school. I am not happy being gay, and every day I wish I was straight so I can go out with my awesome ex fiance and marry him. I can't fall in love with men, I can't enjoy sex with them and I know that only girls can make me weak in the knees and take my breath away. I am looking for a way to be happy with who I know I am so I can have that confidence and empowerment I see in other gay people I know. I don't feel liberated I feel sick, so the coming out process has been slow. It's been a year and half since I since I told Christian I wanted a girlfriend. I need to feel happy with myself before I can feel like I fit in with the gay community. I just need to let go of the past before that can happen
