I came out to my mom today! She did not take it well, but I wasn't expecting her to anyway (she's religious). She talked about me being "manly", "too young" (I'm 22 and mature for my age), "haven't tried with girls" etc. I explained that I'm not young at all, have thought about this for a long time, and will never change. I told her that if she wants to be part of my life, she's going to have to accept me for who I am. I'm feeling very good about having done it, anyway. I'm glad I got it over with, now it's up to her to process it at her own pace. I'm my own man, have a place of my own and decide over my own damn life. Not that I ever decided to be gay in the first place. Just my dad left now, and I'm pretty sure he'll take it better than my mom, so I'm not really worried about that. And my sister still supports me.
Congratulations! I hope your mom learns to respect you for who you are. It takes a lot of courage to do what you did.
Thank you so much! I've been wanting to do this for over a year, so I figured it was about time. Didn't see the point of postponing it and putting my life on hold any longer.
Congratulations hopefully she comes around and remixes realizes your sexuality is just part of you and your the same son she's always known
Well done. When the pressure becomes too much, you just have to say it. If your mom is struggling to accept/come to terms with it you could refer her (if you haven't already done so) to PFLAG. You can't make her contact them for support, but you can put the option to her and let her decide. She will need processing time and it's good that you recognise that.
Congratulations! Your mom may just need some time. I hope that her love for you will change her attitude toward the LGBTQ community entirely. Good luck with your dad!
Hey guys, thank you so much for the support. I really appreciate it. The day after I came out to her (yesterday), she talked about some kind of "hormone treatment". I interrupted her and told her what she was saying was unacceptable. I told her that I don't want anyone in my life who doesn't accept me for who I am. I have since ignored her. She apologized (though without specifying what she was apologizing for), told me she will always be "on my side" etc. I moved back to my place, and have been ignoring her calls and texts (telling me she loves me and wants to hear from me). Finally, today, I texted her that she hurt me and said unacceptable things, and that she will have to take her time to accept and respect me the way I am. Until then, I don't want to hear from her. I told her that as an adult, I will not accept these kinds of negative influences in my life. She has since texted me, apologized, telling me she loves me and will love me forever and be my side, hopes I have forgiven her and asked me to call her. I have not replied or called her back. I may sound a bit harsh, but I think this is the sort of awakening my mother needs. Some background on the relationship between me and my mom; we have always been rather close, and I know I'm her favorite kid. I've been a good kid and done well in school, but not really to satisfy my parents. I honestly think my mother has been thinking that she has more control over me than she really does. My mother is probably the most loving person I know (she just has some misconceptions due to her background), so I don't want to hurt her or punish her. But I want her to understand that I want someone who loves and accepts me, and will not tolerate this kind of bigotry in my life. Any ideas on when I should get back to her and what I should say?
I'd say to wait no more than 72 hours before calling back. While your mom has issues and has said some insensitive things, her reaction is far from the absolute worst. She didn't disown you completely. The "hormone" comment was hurtful and ignorant - and she needs to know better. You will have to keep and enforce firm boundaries for a while, as your mom needs to educate herself about the gay community. She has a lot of misconceptions due to her religious conservative background, but the fact she's apologizing so soon suggests that she can work through this. Hardened religious conservatives put what the church says ahead of their own children, and I don't think that is what's happening here. In my opinion, the next step would be to get her to PFLAG or provide her with reading material for parents with gay children. Ask her to do that, then give her about a week, and see what happens next.
Thank you for your comment. I see the point about PFLAG. I think the problem is she's apologizing because she's desperate to have me in her life, not really because she's actually thought things through. The problem is we're not in the US but a small European country, so there is no PFLAG. Are there any easily accessible online resources, or movies that would be suitable?
Trooper, I can fully understand your anger and irritation but I would urge you to try very hard to set it aside. Your mom hasn't dealt with your news well, but nor has she set her face against you completely, so please try to bear with her. In just the same way as it takes time for us to reach a point of self acceptance, it takes most parents some time too - it's natural. We can't just hit them with it and expect them to be elated by the news. If your mom sees you getting upset it may lead her to believe that you are not happy about being gay and she will continue to make suggestions and comments that are less than helpful (like hormone treatment). This will place even more strain on your relationship with her and increase the level of discontent. I'm not saying you should back down and do as she pleases, because it's actually important to be firm and consistent, but just realise that your anger sets a bad tone in which nothing will be acheived. At the moment, your mom is likely to be stuck in this process:Empty Closets - Parent and Family Stages of Grief If your mom hasn't met many people from the LGBT community, she is likely to be badly informed and influenced by societal and religious prejudices. You can choose to react against that or be a source of sound and reliable information that will develop her understanding. I'm assuming you'd rather work with her, to help things along? So, if she wants information or asks questions (no matter how silly or irritating they may be) try to deal with them calmly. Tell her that you want to help her to understand and be true to your word. PFLAG has a website and you can also look at the website of FFLAG in the UK. Here is a link to the FFLAG website and a list of useful books that your mother might want to read (you too maybe?): Books For Parents Stay firm and be consistent, but stay calm too. If you find yourself getting stressed or annoyed bring it here and vent about it.
So we talked on the phone today. She mostly didn't say anything unusual from what she usually talks about, but she threw in a couple of "I love you"s and "I will always be on your side". It feels like she's trying to get our relationship to be the way it has always been, which I'm fine with. But at the same time, I don't want her to act "too normal" and pretend my sexuality doesn't exist. I'll see if she comes up with any questions, or I'll just talk to her directly about it in the next couple of weeks and ask how her views may have changed.
Hi Trooper. Glad for you that you did tell your mum. I agree with all of Patrick's advice. Mostly for the fact that you have done all the searching and processing of your sexuality over time, and with her this is the first time she is confronting the issue, and hardy has any support to filter what you have said apart from the negativity of social and religious limitations. Keep talking to her, be firm about your boundaries, but be kinder and reassure her that you do love her as well, and that you would like her to be part of your life, even though the relationship will be somewhat changed. Best wishes to both of you.
