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What is written in my iPhone notepad...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by nosnaws91, Jun 28, 2015.

  1. nosnaws91

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    The other night I started to feel a bit down. I often don't have many people to listen to me so I decided to write. I wrote in my iPhone notepad as if I was talking to someone who cared. But in reality I wrote it with the intention of myself being the only one who read it. But with the anonymity of this website I thought, "what the heck, why not share it." So here it is just copied and pasted here. If you feel like reading it great. If you don't thats fine too. If you do happen to read it let me know what you think. Does anyone else feel similar?

    "Space space space

    I go through bouts. Bouts of being really confident and longer bouts of self loathing and complete disdain for who I am as a person. I live in an environment where everyone has a reason not to like me. It's not really obvious but more of a passive aggressive dislike from the ones around me. I'm gay. I can't believe I can admit that now. I'd spent the majority of my short 21 year old life fighting that word. "Gay". But now I can say it, or type it rather. And even with the word "I'm" in front of it too, forming such a short, simple, two word sentence of admittance. One that I'm not completely comfortable with yet, but I'm working on it. I guess it doesn't really count for much, given the fact that I'm writing this on the notepad in my phone. Who knows if it will even ever be seen by another person. Well, except for the person who works for Apple and keeps track of everyone's icloud that is. Hell, they can probably see it as I type it. The world is all "Big Brother" now.
    Anyway, I grew up in south Florida and spent my Sunday's going to church with my family. My whole family, neighbors, practically all of those in my small southern beach town were, and still are, very religious. Southern Christian Baptists, the most passionate kind. And when I say passionate I really mean a word more along the lines of "here let me shove my opinions down your throat and make you repent to the Lord" kind of passion. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against religion or Christians for that matter. But when you spend your whole childhood listening to the judgmental and hateful things coming out of the mouths of those that are supposably free of all sin, it's hard to understand the nature of it all. I kind of gave up on religion. I guess I wouldn't really call myself a Christian. Yeah, some of them kind of ruined that for me. But do I believe in God? Yeah. I definitely do. I just don't believe He is up there picking and choosing who is better than who and why. I like to believe and tell myself that He has all of us in His best interest and doesn't think I'm greater than Joe Shmoe that lives down the street or that Joe is any better than I.

    The day I came out was... Kind of random. I remember sitting at a restaurant with my family listening to the clanking of the dishes and bustling people around me, laughing and sharing stories with the ones they shared a table with. My mom and sister were talking and laughing with each other. Talking about some boy my sister liked. They had so much in common. They're conversation flowed so effortlessly. Meanwhile, I sat there silently. Just listening, pretending I was interested. Pretending I was just like them. I remember sitting there and thinking. Thinking about how out of place I felt everywhere and how terrifying it was to know that I was one of those "sinners" I had always heard and read about as a kid. I also thought about how tired I was.

    I had spent most of the night before just laying in bed, staring up at my fan as it whirled air down onto my face. I would fix my eyes on one of the blades and try to stare at it as it spun around. I would stare until the tears would fill my eyes so much that my vision blurred and I lost track of which one I had chosen. When I wasn't staring at the fan I would stare at the clock. I would watch the two red lights separating the numbers flash on and off and on again and the minutes climb from 1 to 59 and then back to 1. With each flash of the dots more feelings of shame and guilt for being who I was/am would creep into my brain. They became heavier and heavier until I felt I was being pushed so far down into my mattress that I was going to suffocate.

    My mind jumped back to the restaurant and I continued to use my fork to push my chicken around the plate. I didn't really feel like eating. But when the waitress asked if I wanted a take home box I said yes. Just in case my appetite changed its mind later. I sat in the car on the way home. I was the only one in the dark backseat. I looked up at my mom in the drivers seat and my older sister in the passenger seat. I wanted them to know. To know who I was, how I was different. I wanted to take the weight off of my shoulders and that seemed like the only solution. I didn't want to tell them though. The thought of those two words, "I'm gay" blurting out of my mouth and hitting their eardrums was so terrifying to me that I wanted to puke. I nervously picked at my fingers. Only able to see the damage I was doing to my cuticles every second or so as the car moved down the road and the streetlights shown in the closed window. As we passed by the next beam of light I could see the small pool of glistening red on my thumb. It didn't really phase me as this was a common result of my nervous habit. I wiped the blood on the underside of my dark t shirt and continued to think about what would happen if I told them. "Hey mom, would you mind turning the radio up a bit?" I liked the song that was playing. But the real reason I asked for a higher volume was cause I had this crazy and irrational fear that people could hear my thoughts. I know it made no sense and that is was impossible for people to read my mind but the extra noise made me more comfortable. Just in case.

    Maybe I could use the band aid method. Just say it really quick so they knew and we could all move on. But then an old memory flashed into my mind that reminded me it wasn't the best idea. It was a memory from a year or two before. It was around Christmas time and there was a show on tv about these houses with tons of cool Christmas lights. One house was decorated with all Disney themed lights. Outlines of Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse, Pluto and goofy figurines. The whole 9. Then the interviewer asked the owner of the house why he liked disney so much. The guy responded "because it's such a wholesome place." Quickly my mom blurted out "well he obviously has never been there on gay day." Ouch. It was like I had just got punched in the face by own mother. The guy on tv had barely finished the sentence before my mom had uttered those words that will forever remain vivid in my mind. Maybe that's why it stung so bad. She said it so quickly that there was no way she could have really thought about it, it's just how she felt. How could I tell her I was one of those people? I remember sitting on the couch staring at the tv, trying my hardest not to cry and act as if nothing happened. I could feel my face getting red with fear and embarrassment and my skin started to get warm. That was another night I had spent alternating between staring at the fan and the clock.

    The car radio turned quiet as my mom turned the key in the ignition to off. It was now silent and instinctively I pushed all of those thoughts out of my mind even though I knew no one could hear them. I grabbed my box of leftover chicken from the restaurant and followed my mom and sister into the house. I was immediately greeted by my dog upon entering the door. He was the best person in my life, even though he wasn't even a person. I made my way to the fridge to keep my box of, now room temperature chicken, from spoiling. All the way my big, dopey, yellow lab following, stepping where each one of my feet had just landed, his tail wagging at a million miles an hour. I loved how happy he was to see me. He was always happy to see me. No matter if I was gone for 1 minute or 1 year. I leaned down to greet him and was greeted back by a cold wet noise and slimy kiss on my cheek. I couldn't help but smile. This big furry mutt was so good at making me feel loved. I got him when he was just a puppy from the pound and it seemed like I had him my whole life. I always though it was cool that a human and a dog could be such good friends.
    "Can you do the dishes please?" I responded to my mom with a simple "sure." I was pretty quiet. I found it easier to just keep everything to myself. I'm pretty big on self preservation as I've never found that I could ever really trust anyone. The few times I had shared my feelings with others they could care less and it left me feeling worse than before. So I figure it's easier to just deal with it myself. I picked up the sponge and ran it under the warm water and squirted some lemon scented dish soap until there were bubbles in every pour. I then began to scrub each dish until it sparkled and then placed it in an empty space of the dishwasher rack. My sister turned the tv on and the room was now filled with the noise. The noise from the tv, the noise from the faucet and the dishes clanking together.

    My mind started to wander back to the same thoughts as before. If I told them, what was the worst that could happen? They became angry and didn't like me? I'm pretty sure that is already the case. What did I have to lose? A sense of confidence rushed into every vein in my body. I was going to say something. I needed to tell them.

    I grabbed the dishwasher soap and filled the small hole in the door until it oozed and overflowed. I shut the door and pressed "start". Okay, I had to do this. I couldn't keep going through hiding as it was driving me insane. I wasn't Anne frank, my mom and sister weren't nazis. I could do this. I walked over to where my mom and sister were on the couch watching tv. I sat down on the floor with my dog and began to scratch his pink belly. Then all of a sudden that confidence rushed back through my veins. My mouth began to fill up with all the words I wanted to say. It filled up so fast and I had to open my mouth and let them out before I exploded. "I have to tell you something." Now I had there attention. I very rarely had the attention of anyone. I usually was just quiet, I didn't ever announce anything. This made it 100 times more frightening. I stared back at the faces of my mom and sister wondering what the hell I was going to say. Was it too late to go back? I didn't want to do This anymore. Where the hell did all that confidence go? My veins now felt completely empty. Maybe I could play it off. Tell them I got an A on a paper or something. No. No I needed to get this out. I continued. "But before I do I need you to promise you will not freak out." Okay, probably should of just blurted it out. I had now successfully freaked the crap out of them and they probably think it's something really awful. Maybe it is. I don't know. Okay, come on finish. Just tell them, you've made it this far. "I'm gay."

    Silence. So much silence. Silence that seemed like it lasted forever but in reality it probably was only about 30 seconds. "How do you know?" I looked over at the face this question had came out of. I wanted to scream at her. How do I Know? How do I know? What do you mean how the hell do I know? I don't know how I know, I just know. Damnit. "I just do mom." She kind of stared at me for a second, confused. Then she said one word. "Okay." Was that it? I looked over at my sister and she smiled at me. My sister then said, still smiling. "It's not a big deal". My mom followed. "We still love you."

    Okay. So that went at better than expected. I could tell my mom wasn't very happy about the idea. But the fact that she acted like she was for my sake was reassuring. It made me feel better.

    It's now a year later. I feel less weight on me about the subject. I very rarely spend my nights alternating stares between the fan and the clock. But I'm still not fully comfortable with it. I struggle with a battle of myself. I still don't like who I am. I can tell my mom isn't a huge fan either. But I appreciate that she tries to hide her dislike towards me.

    I'm still very quiet. I keep most to myself. I'm lucky that I get to live so close to the beach. The beach has always been my safety. A place where I felt safe. I could always count on being completely alone and surrounded by nothing but nature. It was nice. I've found that birds and fish don't judge you for anything. Or maybe they do. I don't know. I couldn't tell they were judging me so I didn't care. Not like with people. People write the disgust and judgement all over their faces. It's very obvious.

    This was one of those beach nights. I often would drive my motorcycle over to beach and just sit and watch the sun go down. It was so peaceful. My mom came with me tonight. I'm not sure why. But she wanted to come, which was fine. Just a little weird as she doesn't really spend much time with me. But I appreciated the effort.

    I love to make videos and photography. I started to tell my mom about a new idea I had. I went into detail about the different shots I was planning on capturing. I was mid sentence when she showed me what she was looking at on her phone. It was a cake recipe. "We should make this it looks so good." I smiled back. She wasn't listening to my excited plans for the video. She didn't care. I don't know why I even bothered to tell anyone anything. They didn't care and they didn't listen. I then watched my mom as she scrolled through her facebook feed on her phone. As she scrolled past some posts about marriage equality being legalized I could see her face fill with disgust. I don't think the disgust was intentional. It was just a reaction. I knew she wasn't happy with me being gay. But I couldn't help it. I took my eyes off of her and looked back out onto the water. The orange and blue skies shining down and reflecting on the ocean. I just wanted to go away. To disappear. To go somewhere where someone cared about what I had to say and liked me for me. I know that my mom loved me but I also knew she didn't like me. Maybe someday she will be comfortable with this. Maybe someday I will be comfortable with this.

    I have only told a few other people about who I am since that night after the restaurant. Family members are not on that list. My mom was very adamant that she thought I should keep it to myself and not bother them with the news of me being gay yet. Hopefully, some day all those that are a part of my life will be able to know and accept me. Maybe then I will feel less awful about my self. Maybe someday I will be fully happy. Maybe someday it won't be so sucky to be me. Maybe someday I will find someone that loves me just as much as I love them. Maybe someday. "
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    I'm really pleased you decided to share the notes from your I-pad with us. It means the membership of this forum can join that guy at Apple in knowing how you feel and I think we are a much better bunch actually. :slight_smile:

    In time your mom may become more comfortable with your sexuality. For some parents - especially those with strong religious beliefs, it can be a slow burn, but on the positive side, you didn't face outright rejection from her. Even better, your sister seemed to be genuinely kind and accepting and there is a lot to be said for the support of siblings. So even though it could be better, it could be an awful lot worse. Try to focus on that, going forward. Your mom might do well in seeking the support of PFLAG. Is it something you could suggest to her?

    Coming out was an incredibly brave thing to do. It may have felt that you had no choice in the end, but I do not underestimate how hard it was for you. Well done. :slight_smile:

    Give it time for the idea to settle in your own mind as well as in your mom's. It's a process we all have to go through and it doesn't have a deadline set on it.

    By the way, give that dog of yours a big hug from me. Sounds like he has been a source of strength and comfort to you.
     
  3. anann

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    Thanks for telling you story. I hope your mom gets more supportive over time and that you get more comfortable over time too. My situation is very different but there are times when my thoughts are similar to what you wrote about. Good luck!
     
  4. XxSunXDragonxX

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    When I read the part about you coming out, my heart started to beat really fast. I was scared that it didn't go well for you, but it wasn't so bad! Thank you for sharing. :icon_mrgr
     
  5. warthog

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    May I say that was a good read. you should write more.