I was sitting in my fifth period English class. Mr. K was talking about in-text citations, which I already knew how to do properly. I sat letting my mind drift over to Dylan, the boy I had broken up with about three weeks before. I absentmindedly replayed that cool fall night by the bonfire on Retreat. Our relationship was never wonderful, given. We had been good friends before he asked me out, but when it came down to it we were both a little immature and I didn't feel the same way about him. But that night it had been very very good. We sat by the fire in each others' arms just talking, kissing, talking. We were completely content, it was nice. I replayed this scene without any regret for not having stayed with him, we worked better as friends. I thought about kissing him that night. Then, all of the sudden, the absent-minded fantasy flipped entirely. A girl? No way. No, stop, you know you're not homophobic, but don't be stupid, you're definitely not gay. Exactly, gay is for other people. Could I be? Stop saying it, it's just not true. Well, you saw it, is it possible? Of course not. Of course not. I walked out of class to my locker with my best friend like I did every day. She was talking, but I was only half listening. I was suspended in a daze. It simply could not be. I was confused. I was scared. I simply did not know what to do or who to talk to. It is a very dark place to find yourself in. I stopped sleeping for the most part, and when I did finally go to bed I wished that I wouldn't wake up. I was not in denial per se, but I wished I was. I did not want this. What had I done to deserve this? I needed a place to figure things out. It was lonely. I felt like I was the only one in the world who felt this way, but I still went in search of some help. I tapped into the world wide web. I created a separate facebook account with a fake name and posted my plea of confusion on a forum called 'The word "gay" is not a synonym for "stupid."' The response I got was wonderful. The people were nice, they understood what I was going through. To describe what things were like for me in those early days, I can only say that it felt like the floor had been pulled out from under me. It was like I woke up one morning in outer space without an oxygen mask. Like most children, I was raised under the assumption that I was straight and there were gay people in the world. The hardest thing for me was wrapping my head around the idea that that may not be true. It wasn't that I was opposed to it, but I just couldn't be me. I didn't feel gay. What does that feel like anyway? I just felt like Hannah. So I started accessing anything "gay" that I could, including watching the dryest most ridiculous public television show on the planet, GAY USA. I was grasping at anything to feel ok about who I was starting to realize was me. I began learning that very few people "feel gay" in the way I thought I was supposed to. That's because, as I was lucky to find out, the "gay community" is actually not a loud and proud group of cross-dressers and beer-stained-obese lesbians. In fact, it's not like that at all. Instead it's more like a reasonably tight-knit group of nice normal and self-aware people. Some are proud and some are not, some are stereotypical and some are the furthest thing from it, but when you're afraid and unsure they're right there and understand exactly what you're going through and reach out a hand. Without the support of so many people in the "gay community" I never would have gotten through those first unsure weeks of my questioning. Over time I came to at least be able to live with the idea that I wasn't straight, although I often bounced between thinking I was gay and thinking I was bi. After being able to wrap my head around it, I still couldn't fully accept it. I wasn't ready to let go of my childhood "husband and kids" ideas. That was where Empty Closets, a community dedicated to helping people like me and providing a safe place to chat about anything and everything, came in. It took a long time to let go of the ideas I had about my life, and realize that my future didn't have to be so different. One of the best pieces of advice I got through the whole ordeal was that "you must forget everything you know about being gay and carve your own way." I had to learn that it is ok to be myself, and that I am in control of my own life which doesn't have to conform to anyone else's cookie cutter ideas. I am me, and that is the most important thing of all. Seven and a half months after that first moment in English class I told someone for the first time. I had hit a breaking point, and I needed to tell someone. I used to wonder if that was really the right thing for me, but at the end of the day I don't regret it. In that moment I needed to, although I am really in no rush to come out. I can wait, it doesn't bother me. The most important thing is that I can be comfortable in my own skin when I go to sleep at night. I don't know how my life will play out from here or if I will ever have children or anything, but I have come to realize that is perfectly ok. Today is the one year anniversary of that terrifying day that set off my questioning period. I am happy with who I am. There are still many things in my life that I haven't figured out entirely, but I am ok with that. It is a slow and weird process that you just kind of have to let untangle over time. Rushing it doesn't help. Trying to make it go away doesn't help. Instead you just have to let yourself feel what you're feeling and relax. It will be ok. You will live through this. Don't be afraid to ask for help, because it is a scary and confusing process that you can't go through alone. Forget everything you think you know and be your own person. You are beautiful, and don't forget it. It will be ok. You will live through this, and you will be a better person for it.
Wow, I can identify with nearly all of that, that was very good. Oh, thanks for using paragraphs, otherwise, I wouldn't/couldn't have read it...
What a great post! When I came out,years ago,there wasn't a lot of people to talk to. Of course,there was no internet. PFLAG was but a distant dream. Yes,there were gay bars,but they scared me to death. I was 16,at the time. I am just so happy that people today have so many resources. And...even though we're still fighting for equality,it's a much more accepting world then before. I never would have thought that gay marriage would ever be an option. We're getting there,slowly but surely! I think that's a big reason that I'm glad to have EC. It just helps so much to know that there are others,like you,going through the same kinds of things that you are.
Holy cow, I could identify exactly the same with almost all of your story! Ahh yes, the internet is a wonderful invention.
Very relatable. I'm still questioning a bit. It's hard as a teen to realize that ur so different from the version of "normal" that we're all brought up to believe in. That it's who u r and that you cant change it, just gotta accept it.
Ah yes, i can relate. It started with Will and Grace (god bless whoever made that wonderful show) for me. Its amazing how much comfort just watching something like that can bring you when you feel so alone in this world.
I can relate to this too. Although things have gotten weird and I'm still discovering myself. It's been about a year for me too sorta. It's comming along.
yeah, Will & Grace was my first too. As a girl, it was a little harder to relate to, but it still gave me a lot of hope. I actually found that (probably because girls supposedly are more accepted in society, which is NOT true in my town) there are very few resources playing towards girls. Afterellen.com is a good one for gay news, and there's afterelton.com for the guys
