Coming out: My version

Forget about proving anything to her. If se cannot accept you at your word, I would doubt whether she is a true friend. I think she is finding this to be a huge joke and is laughing at your embaressment and awkwardness. Don't play along with her. You've told her the truth - it's her problem if she can't accept it.

Or am I being too harsh on her?

 

Dave,

Have you already explained to her your reasons for "taking it back" the first time, and why circumstances are different now?

You have already taken the most difficult step - and, for sure it IS a difficult step. Perhaps if you explain to her how difficult it has been (to admit and NOT back out of the admission), your uncertainty before and the reasons why you are now sure about where you stand, she might be more convinced?

It certainly sounds as if she is supportive and is really going to be there for you - and hey, even if she is unsure ATM if you really mean it this time, she sounds like a great friend to have (and a very good person to have chosen as the first to come out to).

Good luck buddy.

 

this same sort of thing happened with the first person i came out to... my best friend hel. luckily, she was a little smarter than i and quickly came back with the "you're not foolling me!" best friend i ever had, methinks.

have you had any more luck with her coming to terms with it?

on another topic, why do some (girls in paticular) find it really hard to come to erms with the fact that we're gay? something i've never really understood. if a guy told me he was straight, i would nod and file it in my memory, not deny it to myself and try to "convert" him or whatever.

 

girl girls girl...

If the girls is a FRIEND, and you come out ot her; I would believe she is saying no because she actually looks up to you (whomever) in a sense as THE GUY. The one girls want, she MAY want but not at moment. She put all hopes in men as far as what you are and boom. You just ruined it. lol. Get what I am saying? I think I confuse myself, but I too had a similar prob. in talking to a friend about GAYS and if it's right or wrong. She had told me several yrs. ago that if I was gay, that she never wanted to know. I guess that is why I have not told her...yet.

When I do, which will be soon. She will either accept it, deny it, or not talk to me anymore; which i HIGHLY doubt. Any case, that is my reply.

 

I didnt' know if you would like a girl's perspective on this or not. I thought that I would reply because my best friend, John, recently told me he was gay. I was the first person that he told, and I'm still the only one who knows. As in your situation, he had joked many times about being gay, and always recanted his statement, until the night that he comes into my room and sits down and says "we need to talk..." It was a hard thing to hear, especially because there wasn't anything leading up to this discussion, and because I had known him for seven years and we had become really close.
When he told me he was gay, and this time it wasn't a joke, I immediately had to redifine our entire relationship while still being supportive. For years it was weird because we spent so much time together but we never dated and nothing happened. In a way it was a relief because everything made more sense. It takes us a long time to accept this reality, just as it probably has taken you to accept the fact that you are gay. I don't love him any less for telling me, if anything we have grown closer, and now have a more honest relationship.
Give her some time to get used to the idea. Maybe it isn't that she doesn't believe you as she doesn't want it to be true. Reassure her that her role in your life is very important to you, and that he acceptance is very important. Soon she'll grow to accept, even cherish, her role.

 

The night that he came out, he talked for about four hours (until 6 am) about many different things, and I just listened. Since then, we do talk frequently about gay issues, and his feelings, and although I am not the person to bring this subject up, I know that it is helpful for him to talk, and to share. What has been hard is that I feel that I can't always participate fully in the conversations because I have not experienced these feelings first hand, and I am a little shy about some things. But, through listening, I have really learned a lot and understand what he is going through much better.
I have found that open communication has been very helpful. It is important to tell your friend that you want to talk about certain things, just share becuase she is important to you. John has called me many times and said something as simple as "can we go for a drive and talk?" and it ends up being very helpful. There is a vulnerability and uneasiness for the girl, because this new topic is something that was never dicussed before and change is not always easy. Tell your friend that when you talk, you aren't necessarily looking for answers, but that talking in itself is helpful. Sharing feelings that have been caged up for so long is the first thing that she CAN do to help.
It will take a little while for her to come back to you. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was a little mad at my friend. Because I didn't want to admit that I had a problem with this, I shut down. But, in one of our discussions, he allowed me to express my feelings of resentment (more at the whole overwhelming situation, not at him directly- although that is how it manifested), I felt much better. Talking about you coming out, and how it affected her will probably bring her around. Having that talk will help her to feel on equal sharing ground, and I think it will help her feel more comfortable listening to you. In time, when she looks back on it, maybe even in the next few weeks, she will see how honored she is that you choose to share part of you with her.

 

Well, it's weird. I told a friend (female) about a week ago. I will soon post a larger topic on this, however sufices to say that she wouldn't believe either.

We went to the lake, and when we were comming back (I was driving) I told her. We were close to her house (I chose that moment) and I just told her: I'm gay. She wouldn't believe me either, even though I've never joked with that to her. So I sent her a text message saying: don't you have anything to say?. She didn't respond. A couple of days later I decided enough time had passed, and I decided to call her. I picked up teh phone and so I did. We talked for a while about nothing in specific, and then with a bit more complication than this, I told her about a guy I like (which is not the case here). The next day we met at the mall and I introdeced him to her. And later that day I told her about how I fantasize about him, and she had little choice but to believe me.

 

I guess that means in some level she might have fancied you. And you telling her you are gay is like crushing their dreams. I would take the time to talk to her... about how she feels. And try to come to terms. It seems that you trust her enough to tell her, and that would mean she is a good friend to you. Try not to loose that... she could be very supportive to you when you come out to the rest of the world.

 

I think it is a good sign that you had a fight because it allowed the lines of communication to open up between the two of you. It is hard to her to understand her new relationship with you and what this means for the future. I don't know if she "liked" you and has grieving over a lost prospect or not. I know for me, I didn't have a crush on my friend, but the minute I found out he was gay, I knew our relationship would never be the same. It was a hard thing to come to terms with. It's not like I became his friend knowing he was gay (which would have been fine). I had known him seven years as a straight guy. I felt lied to and like I no longer (maybe never?) even knew who he really was. In that sense I was grieving over the loss of a friend I thought I knew. It did take some time and a lot of communication, but in the end I gained a far greater friend. I think you did the right thing by considering how she felt and was how this affected her. She needs you now just as much as you need her to talk to.