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Gay, Uni and Work in Aus.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Tudhope, Jun 15, 2005.

  1. Tudhope

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    Ok guys this is rather long. Read it or dont, i just needed to write it and get it off my chest. Thanks guys!! (&&&)

    I feel like i've reached the time where i'm ready to tell my parents/family that i’m gay. I have told a few close friends (one's who are gay, others not) and a few people who have asked, like work colleges. For the most part I reckon that they'll take it not too bad. For the past few years i’ve been taking note as to what each person in my family says when the subject about homosexuality comes up. My sister, who i’m planning on telling first since she lives in the same town as me, I think will be cool with it even though when the subject (about others) comes up she pays them out. But it’s never in a "oh my god, they're so disgusting, I want them to die" kind of way. Which is good! Ill tell my brother next, who lives about 4 hours away. I know from mutual friends that he's already said things to them about his suspicion about me and that he's actually brung it up with my parents, although apparently they've just said "Don’t be so mean to your brother". So at the moment my
    siblings should be ok with it. Obviously it’ll take a little while for them to "come to terms" with it (god it sounds like i’m dying) but yeh we'll see. Since realising it myself and getting used to the idea I haven't exactly been very secret about it. As an example, when my parents (or whoever) asks where i’m going out to on a Saturday night I tell them, the Mars Bar (which is a gay nightclub). As usually I get the comment, "Isn’t that a gay club". I just reply, "Yeh! So?” So i’m surprised that I haven't actually been asked by my family. I told myself that if I was seriously asked (not in a joking, "So are you gay?" kind of way) I would tell the truth. Now my parents. My Dad, I have no idea how he'd react. My parents are both great! They've always supported me in everyway, and encouraged me. So my dad probably just say something along the lines of as long as i’m happy but I honestly don’t know how he'd take it. My Mum would also do the same in front of me but when i’m gone I can see her crying and not taking it too well. Which would absoluty break my heart. Yet in front of me when I first tell them they'd be supportive and then afterward I would guess they'd just pretend I hadn’t said anything. I guess that’s when its up to me get it out of them as to how they truly feel about it and go from there. I'm pretty sure that this "don't talk about it" thing will happen because it's kind of happened before. I was caught with "dirty" pictures on my computer and the next day my Dad said to me, out of the blue and he doesn't know anything about computers, that now he knows how to delete things. No reference to the pictures but we both knew what he was talking about. It's this which makes me think that. So I think they'd already know but don't want to know. =S

    So far all my "comings out" have been good. My good friend and now flatmate said he didn’t care, what I do is my business as long as I have sex on the table or anything. I said that’s ok as long as he doesn’t either. We laughed and now we're both quite open about it all. My other friends can been great about it all too. I plan on having lunch with my sister next Monday (21st June) and telling her, kind of like a trial run before my parents. What makes it harder is the rest of my general life.

    Work is totally pissing me off. I just moved where I am now about 5months ago. Even before I left my transfer between stores didn’t start off too well. The report my manager, who I thought I got along well with, was bad and so the transfer didn’t actually go through even though I was still employed my Woolies. So I canvassed the stores around the suburb i’m living in and found a store, who the 2IC used to live in my old town and knew my Dad. Anyway me and my flatmate got employed by them and that’s where I am now. When we first arrived I was told I was going to put up to Supervisor since I had experience doing that and they really needed someone. 5months down the track and i’m still a checkout operator. Not only that, being for the same company and doing the same thing for 3years is so repetitive. I don’t want to do it anymore. And what's stopping me from getting/applying for another job is the fear that I don’t get regular hours and I can’t afford not to do that because i’m living out of home. Currently per week i’m getting about 16hours, and being on $10/h, I get about $160. $70 of that goes rent, the plus food, electricity, phone bill, internet, petrol, bus money to get to Uni and other miscellaneous bills (Uni books etc.) which might come in I get about $30 for me. Now this is not being selfish, but everyone needs some recreation
    time. I like to go clubbing. Clubbing = $15 taxi + $7 entrance fee + $$$ if I want to drink. Usually I don’t drink when I go out because I can afford it. So usually I don’t go out and sometimes ill go to the arcade. I am constantly saying to people (who want to do things with me) that I can’t because I cant afford it. Do you know how depressing that gets and how bad I feel? Many-a-time i’ve went out (been the designated driver because I can’t drink) and sat and watched people have meals and etc while I just sat there. It’s embarrassing. Now here's the frustrating bit; I can’t ask for more hours at work because then my Uni grades will be affected. But I need those hours. At the moment Uni is going great, seems to be the only thing going right.

    Love life, well that's none existent. That's because of a few reasons I think. I don't have any money and hence I don't go out. It's hard to find someone (a copout? Yes, maybe). And lastly the fault is somewhat on myself. I have met a few nice guys on Gayday.com and chatted with them on MSN but organised to meet up. But i've backed out. I don't know why but I think it's a self-worth kind of thing, confidence, acceptance. I know only I can work out on that and I try but I need to sort out these other things first.

    So from all this I thought of an answer, move back with my parents. I asked them and they said of course (they didn’t want me to move out in the first place). The problem is i’ve signed a joint contract with my flatmate for a year which I can’t get out of (i’ve emailed Residential Tenancies and they said there's no way). My flatmate said that's fine I can move out but not before we find someone to move in my place. Now I know it should be my responsibility to find someone since i’m leaving him in the lurch but he's the one who has to live with them, not me. And since it doesn’t affect him wether or not I stay he's not too fussed as to find someone. He won’t live with anyone, it has to be someone he knows which is fair enough but we're vastly running out of options and I don’t think I could stay here until the end of the year. I feel like i’m going mad, especially with all this "coming out" thing, even though I feel that its time, i’m ready. I just feel that for an 18year old

    I shouldn’t have to live this way. I do think about it in terms of my flatmate but i’m not happy and so i’m doing something about it, moving in with my parents it’s not my fault he's parents aren’t in the same town. I’ve got to think about myself first then worry about other people. It’s just with the combination of all these things (being who I am and getting the world (or at least my family) to except it, stress from Uni, work, living out of home) i’m being depressed which is affecting everything in my life and i’m going crazy. This is showing just this week at work. I had my first appraisal done and it would have been the worst i’ve ever had. I am a good employee but I seem to be slipping (what it specifically said was too trivial to get into here). I don’t think it’s a case of "the grass is greener on the otherside " but to me it seems moving back in with my parents would fix a lot of these problems.

    This is what gets me. Since being a little kid i've always been a very logical thinker. I like bounderies, rules. Throughout High School I done subjects like Specilist Maths, Math Studies, IT etc. But it's not just "being logical". I think too much. I don't know if this is *because* of it or if it just contributed to me being the way I am now. But when I was in primary school I had no friends, I was a loner. And hence I would talk to myself, make up these littles games to amuse myself. I basically only had myself to talk to. Now move forward quite a few years, I have friends but i'm still "talking to myself". To the point where sometimes I think I might go szichophrenic. It's like there's two of me, like i'm split up into two people; one being my emotional side and the other my logical side. You might think this is an overexaduration but there's this once time I clearly remember. When my nanna died, we were all there in a circle crying (and so was I) but in the back of my mind I was thinking things like, "Why cry? I'll get over it. I'll move on." I felt so bad for thinking these things. And this happens on other occasions. Like if I go into the city at night I wont drink just in case something happens (like we get mugged) it stops me having fun and I feel that i'm not being a "normal' teenager. Someones the little voice (the one which usually says "This is a bad idea" when you're doing something stupid) is so loud that i'll freak.

    And then, like what happened about a week ago, I was watching 60 minutes and there was a story about this little girl who got horrifically burnt and she was still running around and happy and I think that my life isn't all that bad.


    So what are you guys thinking?
     
    #1 Tudhope, Jun 15, 2005
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2005
  2. nisomer

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    Wow...lol. First I'll just say, welcome to the boards :slight_smile: You will find that you are not alone on many of these topics, and if you haven't already, I suggest reading Seth's Coming Out Guide. There's a lot of great info there to help you.

    As to your "logical thinking", I know how you feel. That happens to me as well, and like whenever you want to go do something fun, you always think of the "what ifs..", and the downside of going. What I have learned over the past year, is to try to let go of your "logic" at times, but don't go too far, because your logical thinking IS helpful, and you will need it. For example, go to a party and don't let your logic stop you there, but if there is drinking, your logical thinking may help you decided how much, if any, you want to drink, and that is when you should listen.

    Well I wish I could write more, but I have to go. I hope my post was at least a little helpful. Keep us posted, and once again, welcome to the boards. (!)