It's starting to feel a little less terrifying.

Hi Everyone,

I guess it's been a while since I've last been on this site, and since then things have begun to change for me for the better.

Last May, I came out to my Mom and Dad. I'm still not really sure what finally drove me do it, but one night I just found myself getting more and more worked up, jittery even, and somehow I knew the only way to make that feeling stop was to tell them. So, I wrote them a short email, (I'm at university 400km away). The moment after I sent that email I couldn't believe what I had done. I immediately turned off my phone, unplugged by computer and started sobbing; I didn't stop until I eventually fell asleep. In retrospect, I'm surprised I didn't manage to drown myself in a puddle of my own tears. The next morning, I woke up and turned on my phone. There were about a half a dozen missed calls from my parents, and finally a text message from my mother saying that they [her and dad] loved me, were proud of me and would always be there for me, and that nothing would ever change that. I'm sure it was only exhaustion and dehydration that kept me from breaking down in a new fit of, (significantly happier), crying.

Over the summer, I must have talked to my parents about being gay and coming out 3 or 4 different times, and every time it gets a little easier for me to talk about. It's like I can feel a knot loosening in my chest each time I talk about it. Last month, I joined an LGBT book club. I arrived at the coffee shop almost an hour before we were supposed to meet, so I couldn't talk myself out of it at the last minuet. I was so terrified, I think I might have been shaking; I'm sure the women who served me my coffee could easily have mistaken me for some sort of addict in need of a fix. But then, when the meeting finally started, after the first few minuets of awkward introductions something changed. Suddenly, I wasn't anxious or terrified or obsessing over how I was outing myself to everyone in the room just by being there. We were just talking. Talking about books we'd read and ones we want to read, and just getting to know one and other. We decided that we would read Grasshopper Jungle this month, if anyone's interested.

Finally, there was today, and I came out to my new therapist, who I was meeting for the first time. I didn't really plan on doing it, so I didn't obsess over it. She was asking for me to describe what I want my future to look like, and when she asked me whether I would want to be married and what sort of woman I would want to marry, I just took a breath and said "actually, I'm gay." So she asked again whether I would want to be married and what sort of man I would want to marry, then I think we spent the next ten or 15 minuets just talking about what my hypothetical future husband would be like, where would we live, would we have kids, and so on. And the whole time, I'm not freaking out, or feeling like I need to run from the room or holding back tears. Instead, it felt kind of normal to talk about. Not easy or comfortable, but definitely not terrifying. For the first time, it's almost as if I'm starting to feel in control of this whole coming out thing.

I guess that kind of brings me up to date, thanks for reading.

Lots of love,
Justin