Well, I've never really been able to relate well to girls. Or guys. Hell, people in general. Like, I was the one in kindergarten who'd wear dresses but play football and pokemon cards. I'm pretty much too sensitive for the boys, and too boyish for the girls. Which is kind of how I became a wallflower. I was really insecure about sounding weird, so I'd just listen to people. That's probably how Sammie and I became close friends. She'd talk, I'd listen. That's why her heroes list (I don't know if it does right now, I haven't been on her profile lately) usually says "Kristine- the one person who knows me better than I know myself". Because I'd listen to her until I knew her better than she knew herself. And I started doing that with other people. Thus, the wallflower was born. Yeah yeah, off the topic. Anyway, I'm pretty emotional. Like, I'm normally attracted to people emotionally before physically. Most people don't believe it, but it's true. I've never really been into insanely attractive people that much, because I'd always think I was never good enough. And I'm kind of commitment phobic. Like, seriously. People are always asking me why I'm single. I can't say yes to anyone, because I've never been happy in a relationship. Sorry, I keep getting off topic. It's just that the commmitmentphobic thing has been on my mind a lot. So anyway, not being able to relate to guys or girls, blahblahblah. I started seriously liking them around age 11, maybe younger, I'm not sure. Which was around the time I started being attracted to guys sexually. Yeah, gross, but I don't really know another way to put it. So anyway, I guess I'm just more attracted to girls more emotionally and guys more physically, (but you know, both of them apply to both, i just happen to have a preference for each). So when I first started to realize it, I just figured it was hormonal or something and ignored it. But then when I was around 13/14, it get a lot stronger. Which was around the time I started liking people more emotionally than physically. And then it sorta just hit me, you know? Like, it explained so fucking much in my life. And even the people I tell see it too- it's just a part of who I am and I was born with it, it just took a few years to really come out there. Probably because little kids tend to not explore their sexuality. But, I think it's just always been there. Like there's some part of my brain that's wired weird: part of me is wired like a guy, part of me is wired like a girl, and part of me is just a mess. But really, the hardest part was the time when I wasn't sure. Like, the time when I wanted it to go away. But you can't change who you are. You can change where you go, who you associate yourself with, but not who you are. Before I realized it, it was like a part of me was missing. And I needed to fill it. And part of me honestly thought I was gonna go to hell. That was when Sammie's mom did her rant. That was one of the hardest things in my life. Like, i would've given anything to change. But I couldn't. Accepting it made my life so much better. Like, there was a part of me that finally made everything else make sense. I haven't come out to everyone yet, and probably won't for a long time. But so far, everyone's been cool about it. I think they all knew deep down, and were just waiting for me to. So yeah, that's my story.
Firstly, welcome to EC ! Secondly, I'm glad that people you've come out to so far seem to be cool with it. It definitely makes it a lot easier/appealing (for lack of a better word) to want to come out to other people if you have already come out to people and have been accepted by them. I really like what you said there (so much that I actually put that as my Facebook status) and I strongly believe that too. I hope to see you around.
