"It's my life too!" - Andrew (Words)

Sit back.
Relax.
Grab a drink.
Go to the washroom if you have to.
and take 30 minutes away from your busy lives to read my story...

Hi my name is Isaac, I haven't been here very long. But I've already been known as the
Straight Guy in my short time here. And yes, I also have a coming out I would like to
share with you guys and this is it!! Yep this is my first time telling anyone other than my good friend who brought me to this site and it's not that I'm afraid or shy. It's because
It's very hard for me to explain it, so i usually give up and it's something I've been living with for the past 18 years of my life and probably to the day I die.

First things first I have DID - (Dissociative Identity Disorder) WIKIPEDIA IT!!
Basically it means I have more than one personality. People with this kind of mental
"Illness" can be scary because you never know when their personality might switch, and
could vary to be anything from a kind person to a serial killer. Giving people with DID a
bad Stigma, if not feared. I have a very rare case where I can actually acknowledge the
existence of the other personality, but still very limited control.
*Note I only have 2*

But no it doesn't stop there!! The problem with these two personality is one is your
average, everyday, geeky boy who just wants to get through school find a good paying
Job in computers. The second personality is very different from the first one. As in its
the personality of an average, everyday GIRL who loves singing and wants to one day
become a Nurse or a Cook. And that's where the real problem comes in!!


A few interesting facts that people reading this would probably wonder:

- Male side a is A**HOLE and deserves to die!! ( I don't rly mean it )

- Male side is straight (Only female.)

- Female side is straight, maybe Bi mainly fault of male half.
(Only male occasionally female)

- When one personality is in charge the other becomes "internal" meaning they cannot
effect the movements, feelings or choices of the one in charge.

- When "Internal" they can only speak in thoughts like how you would think to yourself
in your head in their own voice.
(Male would have male voice, Female would have Female voice)

- Everything felt is shared by both personalities example pain and pleasure also feelings
like anxiety, anger, stupidity and happiness. (So if the one in charge is happy the one
internal is happy.)

- Male side thinks its more dominant since the body is biologically male. And therefore
thinks he should have longer periods of being "In charge" esp. out in public.

- Female side can anytime "Over power" the male side in charge at any given time. Male
side on the other hand cannot "Over power" the female side.

- Male side can freely switch to Female side, but Female side sometimes gets "stuck" and
could last up to a day before being able to switch back over.

- When Male personality is in charge certain key things can cause it to suddenly switch
over to Female side and most of the time when that happens, yes gets stuck!!
(Think of Ranma and cold water, except w/o hot water to switch back)

- When Female personality is in charge it needs to freely switch back to male side and
nothing can trigger the Male personality to take over.
(So in other words Female side could completely "END" Males sides life"

When I was born this is how I defined normal, two personalities sharing one body. When
I was little I lived both lives freely without ever feeling out of place, as in I loved Sailor
Moon as much as i loved Dragon Ball Z and Spice Girls to Backstreet Boys. I loved playing
war games with my brother as much as I spent long hours playing barbie with my sister, and video games as much as I loved reading Cinderella or Beauty and the beast. Wearing
my sisters dress (Never worn out to public) felt just as normal as going out in jeans and
baggy sweaters. Everything to me seemed perfectly normal up until I was about 9 years
old and began noticing differences between girls and boys. And ever since then I've been
torn up inside knowing there is probably nothing i could do.

Me being biologically male felt perfectly normal when my male personality came into play.
Everything felt right, I had lots of friends played soccer with all the boys even though
I suck at sports to tag with all the other kids. But when my female personality would
randomly kick in here and there, which is completely out of my control. I would feel so
out of place, like a transgendered stuck in the wrong body. I wanted to scream, I
wanted to cry everything was wrong.

Games and books started to rule my life. Since my male side hated books with a passion
even though I loved the literature and hated games and I decided it was better to just
give in. And that's when we fell trapped into the world of gaming trying to escape the
pitiful life we shared, but even games could only do so much. Knowing reality would be
waiting for us every time the game was closed shut off.

As time progressed I started having suicidal thoughts even though my other half tried to
stop me. My dad worked night shifts and had anger issues so he would here and there
get very angry if we were too loud and that added to everything else. Like my parents
hated me, my other half hated me, God hated me and I became very depressed and
anti-social. I wanted desperately to stop existing, and would let my male side control
every chance I got to "run away" from everything.

As time continued to press on and I eventually went into High School. Here is where I
was taught reputation mattered and whether you were bullied or treated nicely is up
to the "Populars" and what they thought of you. Me having this issue to add upon every
thing that was happening and that's when I (Female side) was forced to hide in the
shadows. All along I just hoped I could disappear like the nothingness I've become, like
a brief thought that faded and ultimately forgotten. On random occasions where I was
forced out I had to follow "instructions" from my male side which just felt as bad and
often I would fail and fall on my face.

It was not until grade 10 when we decided to try and "Mesh" our personalities together
to make a balance. It takes a lot of concentration but eventually we got the hang of it
and a so called "3rd" personality was born. (It's still to this day a working matter we try
to master, but at least it was better than being shut out.) That's about the time when
I met Andrew who eventually came out to me and lead me to this website.

There is a lot more I could add, and a lot more about myself that i could improve upon
or even learn. Eventually we (Female + Male) decided it would be better if we just
stayed Male and Straight. Since no matter what we chose or decided someone
somewhere has to pay the price and that someone is probably going to be me. We're
just two people trying to live out one life. I know how much it hurts not being able to be who you are and I don't want anyone else to feel the same. So In the end I'll let my male self live out his life fully, and by letting him do so maybe feel complete myself.

Now that I think of it doesn't that make me a:
Straight, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered person? O__O

If you're curious or have any questions feel free to ask me! and I'll try to get back to you ASAP! :]

*Mind the bad grammar i didn't bother proof reading even thought i should.*

Anyways i'm going to leave you with this song that really leaps out at me.

Evanesence - Bring me to life

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)

 

XD yep cuz if i had 2 names won't that be weird?

 

Just ask away don't be shy! You can't be rude.
My Guy side won't even try to touch this site
so you don't to worry about him :T

 

cuz i thought u said it i dunno i don't remember every word that
come out of my mouth. WELL ITS TOO LATE NOW CUZ U CAN'T
EDIT IT SUCKERR!!

 

Well ask a FTM why they know they're male
or a MTF why they know they're a female. It's
something you just known your whole life i guess.
And the second one i am not too sure myself i
guess that how things work. :T

 

to others it may seem like that but it's pretty distinct in
which personality i'm in. Like I know who's in control it's
not like oblivious to me so you might have something similar
but you're oblivious to it O__O. IF ya get what i'm saying ;D

 

ur not rude =X, but its like having someone control your body
you can see, hear, feel, taste, smell even internal feelings like
anxiety and fear. So its not that i know what the other personality
is doing its as if i'm doing it but i cannot help myself.

 

not rly it kind of sucks D: