So after many years of threatening to I've finally came out to my parents! I've always been terrified by the thought of this but I've finally done it. So here's my story... About a month ago I was drunk so naturally I had more confidence, as is usually the case when I'm drunk. So I decided after all these years to finally tell my mum that I was gay... Via text message! So I sent a really soppy text telling her how I'm gay and I've known for years and that my dad can never know because he'd never understand as he's not a nice person. A few minutes later my mum texted back telling me that she loved me and that she was sorry that I couldn't tell her to her face, so all was good! I spoke to my mum the next day and she said she was glad that I told her but didn't really want to talk about it. Which was good enough for me because at least she'd kind of accepted it and I'm not one for talking about these things anyway. So a couple of weeks ago I went on a drinking weekend to Budapest with a couple of friends. Had a great weekend! When I got home my mum said she needed to talk to me. She said my dad had asked her for a link which was on her phone and my mum gave him her phone to find it. When he had her phone he saw my text telling her that I'm gay!! So I inadvertently came out to my dad too!!! After the initial shock that my dad hasn't disowned me yet after years of dreading him finding out, I asked my mum to tell him that I knew he knew! So I called my mum a few hours later to ask what his reaction was. His reply to my mum was that he didn't want to talk about it with me and he didn't want me to mention it to him. So my mum said "that's good though isn't it? At least you don't have to talk about it with him?" And I agreed with my mum. I thought this was a good thing because my dad still wanted to speak to me! So a few days ago I went for a drink with my dad (which I never usually do) and my sister. My sister has known I'm gay for over a year and is totally cool with it. My dad didn't mention anything and I had a good night, feeling really happy that my dad has seemingly accepted me. The next day my sister called me and said she mentioned to my dad how good it was that I'd finally came out after all these years. My dad said "what do you mean? Has he told you too? How many other people know? I thought he hadn't told anyone?" After my sister said of course she knew my dad replied "we'll have to make sure nobody else finds out. We can't have this coming out to everyone. How would it make me look? Nobody else can know, it's too embarrassing." My sister then said she told my mum about this and my mum reacted by saying "your dad has had to put up with a lot over the last few weeks." So after being happy about my dads reaction I discovered that the reason he hasn't mentioned anything is because he's ashamed of me. I wish I didn't care about what people think and I wish I had the courage to confront my parents about this. And I wish I wasn't stuck living with my parents. I feel worthless and lost at the moment. Hope one day soon I can gain some freedom and be who I want to be.
I know the feeling. It sounds like your Dad just didn't want to bring it up, because he didn't see any reason to confront you about it. It's possible they will come around though, because like you said their immediate reaction was not to confront you or disown you. I have had a similar situation with my family. They appeared accepting, but then as I dug deeper I realized that they really might not be at all. They both have told me that they want me to love and accept myself, and that they love me regardless. Things seemed pretty good, but then I overheard something that's making me wonder if maybe they have considered the option of disowning me should I ever act on my sexuality. I have kind of a habit of asking them things like "would you ever not speak to me?" Then, I asked it in relation to this. The first time, she just said, "We'll be dead someday." They have said this a lot when I ask things like this, as I have a way of asking it over and over. Then, my Mom says to me, "Is it really the most important thing if your parents speak to you?" Finally, she says that she would, and she has attempted to 'assure' me of this several times. Then, I am pretty sure I overheard the following conversation: Dad: Why would you act like there's uncertainty about whether or not we'd speak with him? Mom: Well, there would be. Later on.... Dad asks same question. Mom: There's uncertainty in life. I'm still not sure, and when I have brought it up to them they have assured me this is not the case. They seem convincing when they talk to me that I misheard or misunderstood, but I honestly have to say I am not fully convinced. My Dad claims that she said "well there wouldn't be", but I could've sworn I heard would. They keep saying that they would never refuse to speak to me. I don't know, maybe I'm somehow misunderstanding. Maybe she was just saying there's uncertainty in whether they'd always be around to speak with me, since my Mom has kept saying things like that? Maybe I did mishear and she said wouldn't. They don't always give a straight answer on these things, because I have a habit of asking the same stuff about whether they'll speak to me and all over and over. It kind of seems like they probably weren't questioning whether or not they'd speak to me though, because when I sent them an email detailing more about my sexuality, they to me, "that all sounds good". So, yeah coming out is often a confusing process at first. Things may seem good at first, but then things come up that really just make you wonder. It seems pretty clear in your case that your father is embarrassed He could come around, but it's tough to say. I would confront him about it though, but that's just how I would handle it from what you wrote. I don't know him or anybody in your family. I can empathize with your situation though, because you are in that weird, tense stage where you don't exactly know what is going to happen next. Unfortunately, I think the only way to get past it is to talk about it more. Then you will see where things are headed. If your father is going to continue to be ashamed of you, he will begin distancing himself. If he is going to come around, he will.
Congrats man! The way I see it, as long as you're not disowned things can only get better with time as people adjust. Just keep being yourself and living openly and honestly and the shock will wear off. It's good your sister is supportive and your mom too.
Aw man, that's rough. I really hope things with your dad improves soon. What straight people don't get is, this isn't a choice. If they had to come out as straight it would be a whole different thing. You're further along the path than I am (I've just come out to my mum and uncle), so I assume you already have a good network of family/friends that do accept you for who you are. Maybe it would help if you had your own place too? P.S. you need to update your out status!
