I have noticed that I have sometimes thought of myself in a different sort of way than other guys. This may be the wrong forum to post this in, because it is not the same sort of thing that gets talked about as "gender identity" I don't think. I'll say though that I don't really pay much attention to my body....... other than from time to time I'll look down at my penis and find myself impressed and happy with the size of it and the way it looks I don't usually pay any attention to it though. I feel like the body is really just sort of a vessel for the mind/consciousness, so I don't really pay a whole lot of attention most of the time. Basically, with regard to my mind, sometimes I would have a "feeling" of myself as feminine rather than masculine. Maybe this is "normal" for everyone I don't know either way, but I figured here would be the place to ask. However, I don't mean that I feel feminine in the sense of "I feel really girly today". It's more of the feeling of the way a tomboyish type would be. In other words, like a sort of feminine feeling without feeling "girly". I've had no dissatisfaction with my body or anything. At times, I may have looked in the mirror and thought I looked too bulky/muscular and wanted to be more slender/trim. Sometimes, I also would use lotion and stuff on my face so I'd have smoother skin, which I liked. Then again, a lot of the time I work out a lot wanting to be bigger and stronger looking. I also haven't ever really done many gender non conforming things or anything as a kid really, not that I recall. As an adult, I painted my nails once like a darkish blue though..... and I found that I really liked it..... then part of me sort of wanted to take it off after like a week..... and I did. My parents let me wear it (although my Dad was a little disgruntled at first, but he was okay). My Mom even offered to get me nail polish if I wanted it. I'm sure I'll do it again, I haven't really felt like it lately though. The other thing that has happened at times, that I just found weird was that there have been/are sometimes times that I mentally imagined myself as a woman while I was talking. It's weird, like I'm not thinking that I am unhappy with my sex or anything like that at all...... it's just like this weird mental image that comes into my head. It used to kind of weird me out sometimes, but I've kind of gotten used to it over the years when it happens. It doesn't really bother me or anything anymore. Then, the thing is that along with these feelings came a desire to go down on some of my friends who are also guys. Like, there are literally times where I have thought about doing that over and over throughout the day. I'd get really turned on by thinking about it too, and I found myself imagining it and fantasizing about it a lot which felt really good. I would definitely want to do it, but unfortunately the friends I liked in that way weren't into that sort of thing. I like women sexually too though, but I don't think I like them in the same way that most "straight" guys do. The reason why I put straight in quotes is because I truly thought I was completely straight when I was younger, and now I kind of wonder if anybody can really say for sure if they are or aren't actually fully straight. I'm not sure about that though. I feel like I am sexually into women with the same mentality of why lesbians like women. I know maybe it would basically be the same thing, but for me it's not like the typical "Oh, I banged this girl last night....yada yada yada" anymore. That crap does nothing for me. It's more like I want to give them what they want and please them sexually. I feel like I can be sort of on their wavelength in a way, and I understand them completely. I enjoy being with them, if it is a true connection in a sexual and also emotional way. I came out about my sexuality after I finished college about 8 months ago. At first, the reaction of my family was indifferent. They seemed to not fully believe it, and my Mom still made a comment once about a television show where she was repulsed by two gay characters and felt that other women would universally feel the same way. She tried to say that she wasn't saying anything about my "supposed orientation". Still, coming out felt liberating at that time, so I'd say that's pretty much proof that all this is real. It felt liberating, and I was happy that I didn't get disowned or anything like that. Then came the bombardment of stereotyping from my family, which was difficult to take. This happened about 3-4 months ago. There were accusations that I wouldn't be able to commit, might be into orgies, etc. All the while my Mom was saying that she accepted me and wanted to be close with me, even in spite of anything. However, I finally was able to convince her that I wouldn't be like that. Unbeknownst to me, I think I put myself back in the closet though, because I just said that I just "had more of these thoughts than other people" and I could "control it". Finally, in recent times, I opened up and told them about how I "liked" some of my friends (basically the more tactful way of saying what I said here). They were very accepting of this, and my Mom even was wanting to play a game with me to figure out who I liked. Then later on, I kind of asked her how she felt about it all and if it bothered her since she had expressed being so repulsed by two men together in the past. She said she wasn't grossed out by it or anything (with regard to me at least), but she did admit that she found it 'disturbing'. She insisted that she loved and accepted me, and she wanted me to feel the same about myself. Still, it really hurt to think that anything I said could possibly be 'disturbing'. However, I can kind of see her viewpoint, because I felt the same way when I was younger. I was bothered by it, and it made me feel badly of myself. Then, I have this habit that really annoys people of asking my parents whether they would stop speaking to me about things. I have said it with regard to pretty much everything, and my parents often don't really answer because they just find it annoying. I can't always help myself though, and it's a problem. I asked my Mom this with regard to the things I told her and she said to me, "We'll be dead someday." She often says this, and it saddens me to even think of that. She also told me that she loves and accepts me regardless, and that she is "giving me a foundation of love on which to make my own decisions". Then, a couple days later, I asked her my old question again and she says to me, "Is it really the most important thing if your parents speak to you or not?" However, she does end up saying that she would always speak to me. Then, I go upstairs..... and I'm listening in and hear something that kind of rattles me. My Dad comments that my Mom was being vague and inciting me, and they talk for a bit. Then, my Dad asks my Mom why she was acting like there was uncertainty about whether they would speak to me, and she says, "Well there would be". I'm assuming that they are now on the fence about speaking with me, because of my sexuality My Dad comes up and wants to reassure me that this is not the case, and in doing so he asks my Mom whether she was expressing uncertainty about it. She yells up the stairs, "There's uncertainty in life" in a frustrated tone of voice. When I come down, everyone is assuring me that they would both always speak to me and my Dad said that he'd always be by my side. I asked them about what I had heard, and my Dad said to me that she said "well there wouldn't be" rather than "well there would be". My Mom also denied having said the "there's uncertainty in life" thing, and she said that if she said it she didn't say it reference to that question. They were reassuring me that they wouldn't ever shun me, so I thought to myself that I could have misheard like my Dad said. I thought that maybe she was saying those things to Dad in reference to the whole uncertainty about whether they will be around thing that they keep saying. That night though, my Mom started asking me questions about AIDS. She had seen a poster of AIDS awareness or something, and she was concerned. She seemed very concerned...... but I was embarrassed as hell to tell her why I wasn't worried about it.......... as in that I just wanted to blow some of my friends...... not do each other up the butt, because I find that gross for my liking and not exciting at all..... coincidentally it's pretty much impossible to get aids from doing the things that I'd be into if I'm not mistaken. Of course, I didn't but I let on that there was a reason why i wasn't concerned...... I didn't want her asking me more specific questions and I was very uncomfortable due to not wanting to talk about that sort of stuff. However, she just said, "you have a plan", but that it might not work and that someone could "bully" me into doing something else. Well, if you were genuinely friends with somebody they wouldn't be "bullying" you into something you didn't want to do...... I mean I certainly wouldn't be with somebody that doesn't respect me as a person. Later that night, it got worse and my Mom started yelling at me about things.... how I don't keep the house clean, how I'm not 'growing up', how I'm acting like a teenager..... she gets upset about these things all the time, and she was also angry with me for being ornery with her and Dad. The thing is I had been really ornery, because of the stress of talking about this stuff. However, she is also throwing in stuff about my sexuality.... it makes her feel hopeless in combination with all other stuff she was saying about me being "immature" and "not growing up" which may be true..... along with my emotional/mental health related issues. She even starts saying that maybe I am just "trying" this for drama. She also starts just calling me "gay" all night, not even saying bisexual. I don't really use the term personally, because I still am not comfortable with it fully. However, she is saying that it's my life and that I'm free to make my own decisions. She is also saying that they are always going to be a part of my life regardless. I send them emails explaining and talking about a lot of things...... and how I am bisexual not gay. In one of those emails, I made the mistake of saying something about it leading to more "experiences", which they interpreted as meaning more sex which wasn't really what I meant at all. The next afternoon, I get in the car, and they start in with a grilling session. Now, I'm thinking to myself..... these people obviously might turn on me right now.... and I am concerned about being treated hatefully whenever I see them. They started grilling me and talking to me like I was a child who misbehaved, I felt. It wasn't anything they said but just the tone, it felt like they were in this position of authority..... when really they were spouting stereotypes about non-commitment and how I am not on the track to a committed relationship. Not once did I back down. I didn't know where it was going to go, and I was sensing judgment in the air. However, I did not deny who I am. I did not tell them that I was straight. I did not deny myself. I was angry though and upset by it, and I seriously considered walking out of that car and just leaving them for good. I actually started to, and then my Dad said something to me about going into the gym and I changed my mind. I was just going to wander off down the street though.... I don't know where I was planning to go.... just get the hell away from these people I thought. Later on, my Dad walks into the hot tub and says that he is "concerned that I could be taken advantage of by a predator and that he doesn't want that". He says that he is concerned that I could be "giving off signals to people and find myself getting used in some way and that he doesn't want me to get hurt or taken advantage of physically or emotionally". Wow, it was off base, but it made me feel like maybe these people actually cared. I assure him that this wasn't anything to be concerned about, and he believed me. Later that night, I went out and got extremely drunk. My Dad picked me up..... and we kind of moved away from the discussions about it. Later that night, I was chatting online with a friend while still fairly ossified. I told him about what was going on with my family, that I was bisexual, etc. He had said he was bisexual before and said things about being with a bunch of different other guys and stuff for like a month..... and then he just said he was straight again. I don't know what the situation was, but I saw it was a safe bet to tell him obviously.... and it was obviously. Then, I sent my parents an email explaining myself and countering their stereotypes. In it, I explained that I had feelings for some of my friends and if they were into guys...... I would have definitely been interested in some of them. They said of that, "that all sounds good and thank you". Things have seemed to be going fairly okay lately. I asked again about whether they would ever not speak to me, and my Mom says she didn't say anything otherwise and that they would never ditch me or anything. The overall tone at home doesn't seem hostile or anything. It just seems to be going normally. I've brought it up in conversations in different ways without anything taking a nosedive, so that's probably good. I also came out to my therapist, and he seemed to take it very well. We talked about it a little bit, and he seemed to be very accepting of it all. Of course, he would have to be as a therapist. However, he was accepting, because his brother is actually bisexual also. When I told my parents about having discussed this with my therapist, my Mom seemed to have a slightly negative inflection in her tone.... but the overall reaction was fairly neutral. Now, things seem pretty ordinary at the moment. Another thing is that since I have come out, I feel the same sexually and all. However, at times it seems like I sort of notice guys a little bit more than I did before. I don't know how to describe it, like it's not really any different.... but it sort of is too. Sorry for the wall of text. My coming out story to myself and others has been a very long process. If you read this whole thing, that's truly amazing and your awesome
