Hello. My name is Malek, and I'm a fifteen year old, assigned female at birth, and joined this site a month ago when I started questioning my gender identity. I am not out to the entire world, but I still consider myself out now, and I will explain what I mean by that as I go along. I first started questioning on the tenth of December, 2015, when I heard a friend of mine mention the term transgender. I didn't know what it meant, and, not liking remaining ignorant, I went home and googled the term. When I read it, it felt like someone had ripped the floor out from under me and the first thought that came to my head was: "This sounds like me. Is this me?" I immediately logged on to some social media and told an internet friend, because I'm not good at holding things in when they're this big of a deal to me. I had to do something, and that was a place I felt like I could do it and get a fairly immediate response. This friend supported me and helped talk to me about a few of the things I might want to do, and thus began the research. I could not tell you just how many hours and how much focus went into this research. The more I did it and the more sure I became I came out to more internet friends so I could experiment with pronouns and names. I came out to my therapist, and she supported me, and told me I was on the right track. I have a very close relationship with my family. They are supportive of the LGBTQ community, and are always great when wanting to just talk or to help me. So, why was I so hesitant to tell them? Well, I wanted to be sure. I thought if I could pinpoint a certain specific spot I was on this scale that I had in my mind, I could come out to them and I would be one hundred percent confident and I could have all the answers. The truth is? I can't do that. I cannot pinpoint a certain place on this scale and I never will be able to. I am me and I am unique and this is unique to me. I didn't realize this until after I came out to my parents. I told them on the tenth of January, 2016. Just yesterday in time of writing and posting this. I pulled them outside and sat them down, and I tried leading up to it the way I had imagined in my head, but I was shaking violently and tears were already coming down my cheeks, and only a few sentences after I got out "I'm transgender" I started sobbing, I could barely talk, and my mom hugged me. They assured me they saw me no differently and were eager to learn and understand this more, because of their limited knowledge of the trans community. And get this! They said they already had an idea before I told them so it wasn't a shock. Now, onto my "out" status. I consider myself completely out of the closet, not because I've told everyone in the world and I pass and can either tell someone about this or the right pronouns and name is already used. No. I don't want to tell everyone because this is just another thing that says "I am different from you." I only tell those that I feel deserve to know and are close to me, and I want to because this is something important to me I want to share. I have not yet told every person I wish to yet, but after coming out to my family, I feel like it will be much easier. I still have family that live elsewhere that would be against it; I know this for a fact, so I'm not going to come out to them yet. Or possibly, at all. Because I am proud of who I am, and if I told them I would gain nothing and they would lose something, so what's the point? My journey is by no means over and will not be over until I take my last breath, but this is this part of my story. I will continue to keep this account in hopes to help others in their struggles and possibly talk about my own experiences with people who identify with me. However I have fulfilled the main purpose of joining. Thank you. As far as I'm concerned; my closet is empty.
