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Admitting it to yourself is the first step

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by KarenLyn, Mar 2, 2016.

  1. KarenLyn

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think it was sometime around my sophomore year in high school that I started to realize that I was having dreams and fantasies about girls. In the beginning I remember saying in my head "Ewww OMG!?" but it wouldn't go away. It's weird fighting with yourself, my conscious and subconscious mind having this dialogue in my skull like I'm standing back watching like I'm a spectator. That's about the time I realized that taking a shower after gym class with the rest of the girls in my class (jumps to a B rated shower scene) was turning me on. I remember there was this one Hispanic girl in my class that for some reason drove me crazy and I'd stand there washing my hair over and over and over again just watching her. I guess I just sort of gave into the fact that I liked girls too. Admitting it to myself was one thing but I was still having this internal tug of war trying to understand my feelings and the guilty feelings after I had gotten off thinking about being with this girl. It was two years of hell before I just finally said "Okay, I'm bi." It wasn't this magical "And everything got better" moment but it was the beginning of me feeling more at ease with myself and who I was inside.

    Mom had noticed that I had the normal pictures of guys with ripped abs hanging on my wall but I also had pictures of hot girls too... For weeks I practiced in my head how I was going to tell my mom. She was my best friend and after losing my dad we were there for each other and she deserved to know. Mom must have thought I was crazy for a while because I'd come up to her and begin to say something and stop and walk away. She was the one who sat me down and told me she knew something was bothering me and instead of keeping it inside (she obviously saw I was stressing over something) she told me just to "SAY IT!" So I did... sort of. It came out in a torrent of words and thought all mixed together, like a dam had broken. Mom just sat there and listened.

    Her first words were "So you're gay?" and I'm like "no, yes, I don't know...maybe." and that's how it started. I knew I like guys and I've dated a few but I also really liked girls, I couldn't keep my eyes off of them. I didn't so much come out ... I sort of ooozed out instead until I knew that I was bisexual. Sorry if this was boring but I needed to get this out one way or another. And then I had to watch every episode of the L-Word I could get my hands on. Am I the only one whose done that after realizing they were somewhere in the gayzone?
     
  2. YermanTom

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    When and after I 'came out to myself' I would watch every soap that had gay themed episodes (me watching a soap :rolle:slight_smile:.

    It's kind of weird to re-evaluate where you fit into the world.
    I suppose I was looking for storylines that reflected my new understanding of myself.

    (*hug*)
     
  3. SHACH

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    I totally understand this. The thing about having dreams about girls... had it all my life and it just freaked me out. And lesbians on TV freaked me out even more (but slightly fascinated me in a freaked out way). But yep, now I've come to terms with it recently you'll find me watching the Lword, then some OINTB, all of that good stuff. I actually was watching the L word just before I can on EC lol. And yeah my mum found my super gay playlist and some autostraddle pages on my laptop and has been freaking out about it ever since but I've er... denied everything. I wouldn't dare hang up hot girls on the wall haha. Yeah, I think this is a common experience.
     
    #3 SHACH, Mar 4, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2016
  4. angeluscrzy

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    Looking back, I don't know how or why I wasn't just out when I was 18-19. I used to paint my nails, I had posters of Brad Pitt all on my walls, and later became completely enamored with Gavin Rossdale the first time I had saw him.
     
    #4 angeluscrzy, Mar 4, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2016
  5. KarenLyn

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    Out to everyone
    I love you guys... thanks for posting. Helps me feel more normal - Yeah, I know...it's a setting on the dryer.