You know, that wasn't so hard

First of all, hi all! Greetings from a longtime lurker who finally decided to join up!

Perhaps there are better subforums to make a first post, but somehow, it feels approppriate to make it here, and add an extra experience to the long list of experiences that finally gave me the push to come out.

So,, where to start? Perhaps first a few things about myself. My name is Filip, and I'm currently 25 years old. I first realised I was gay more than 10 years ago now, when I was in my second year of highschool. The first five years after that realisation were spent in alternating bouts of heartbreaking crush on a hot guy in my class and desparate denial and hoping it was all just a phase. The years after that, I finally came to terms with the fact that I wouldn't change, but my healf-hearted plans of coming out never came to fruition. I never really stopped wanting to be normal and fit in, and coming out would have irrevocably squashed that dream, I guess. Though I did find this forum almost a year ago, even joining up would have been too much of a coming out for me to handle. To be honest, I thought it was already too late, that I had missed the boat, and there was nothing to look forward to but a life of solitude...

Still, many of the stories I read here and elsewhere really made me come around to the idea that it might not be too late. That didn't make it all that easy still. Sometimes I planned to tell a few of my closest friends, only to spend hours with them in almost physical anguish as the words refused to come out of my throat. There was one of my friends I was most afraid of coming out to, though. Ironically enough, he's gay himself. He came out to the whole gang of friends when we were seventeen. However, I must say I gave him a hard time because of it. I guess I resented him for being at ease with his sexuality while I was still in denial about it. At least our friendship never wavered, so I'm guessing my resentment wasn't as noticable as I thought it was.

Anyhow, while chatting to him just a few days ago, I must have sort-of seemed depressed. He asked what was wrong, and I replied there was something that was mulling around in my head that I didn't dare to tell him. His reply to that was that he had a pretty good idea of what I was dealing with, and that we could go for a drink and discuss it. I don't really remember what we talked about. We didn't talk all that much about the whole "gay" thing, actually. Though just knowing that I was in the presence of someone who knew was a big help.

As it turns out, a few of my friends already did have their own theories about me, but were afraid to confront me and force me to speak about it. So all I needed to do after that was confirm that they were right. So I'm basically out to three people now. Not a whole lot changed, we didn't even discuss it all that much. On the other hand I feel a whole lot changed after all. For the first time in many years, I finally feel at ease with myself. I'm even thinking about how to tell my mother and brother (my dad passed away a few years ago, unfortunately). Not in terms of "if ever", but "when". I find myself even making plans for going out and trying to meet other guys. I could feel a bit sad for the ten years in which I was paralysed with fear, but I'd rather feel hope for the future than sadness for the past.

So I guess that I want to close this post with a heartfelt thank you all. I couldn't have done this without you!

 

Thanks!

You know, accepting is the right word here. I thought I had accepted myself already a few years ago, but it didn't seem to help. Now I realise that when I thought what I felt was acceptance, it really was resignation. Of the "oh well, I'd better give up all hope of ever changing" variety.
True acceptance rules, though!

 

Thanks all for the encouraging words.

I don't doubt that my family will be accepting. I'm just afraid of hurting them. Or rather, make them fear for my well-being. I know that they'll assume I'm heading for an unhappy life. Then again, I know that keeping on lying to them will not keep them from eventually finding out and being hurt by my not trusting them.

I dunno, I'm not entirely there yet. Perhaps I need to tell some more friends first.

 

Lol, here I was thinking I was too old to come out, and now almost everyone on the thread ends up being older than I am. I feel so... rejuvenated :lol:

I won't quote all of you, as that would just clutter this post...

@tm74: thanks for the link. An inspiring read. Quite similar to my own experience, as you said. And it makes me glad I managed to steer my colleagues away from Hooters the last business trip I went to. There was already too much "raarh, real men alone on a trip" vibe going on as it was :eek:

@seanboy23: Thanks!

@stilsurchin: Thanks for coming into this thread to make your first post! And a thought provoking one to boot! First of all, I'm sorry to hear about the hard time you went through. I can only try to imagine what that must have been like. And good to know you still have the love of those who matter.
Some thoughts I had while reading it:
- On the necessity of coming out: I'm not sure if straight people don't come out to friends and family. They just do it differently: by letting them know they have found a partner. They do it by commenting on people of the opposite sex, and in a thousand small turns of phrase that get uttered every day. If you're gay and don't want to lie about it, you can either not participate at all in this, or deliberately keep evasive. Regardless, you're setting yourself apart. By coming out you can lose a bit of that separation, and become closer to them again.
-Love and sex... I'm not sure if I feel the same. I agree love is something that is important, and can be felt for either sex. But I also know that I have never felt about any woman what I have felt about some men. Regarding sex... I must say I really don't know. I know I don't want to get into that unless I really found someone to love. So I'll tackle that when I come to it.
-A video... there's an idea. Though that'd mean I'd have to edit it some, and that'd mean I'd have to listen to my own voice. Not a very nice prospect :icon_wink

Hmm, I'm really thinking I should have started posting here sooner. I'm discovering entire ways of thinking about it I never considered earlier.

 

Wow, this is goin fast. It seems like it has been months since I started this thread, but now I see it's less than two weeks.

Anyhow, time for another victory report: I told my brother!

It started when my brother did a sort of "coming out" to me. Apparently he's been seeing this girl for the last few months, and he wasn't sure how to tell me or my mother. He was almost ashamed to admit it to me. Apparently he felt that as the eldest child, I had to find a significant other first before he was allowed to... Needless to say, the whole situation was resolved quickly by telling mom, and the girl in question was introduced to us (literally) a few hours later.

In any case, today, while we were in the car alone together on our way to visit some friends, he mentioned how he hated to lie about it, and how silly he found it that he didn't tell sooner. This, together with a few other remarks he has been making in the last few months, really seemed as if he wanted me to know he knew I was gay and was OK with it.

So I just blurted out how I have been lying for the last ten years, and how silly I felt for not telling them sooner.
Apparently he had no idea I was gay (so I definitely overanalysed everything he said, :lol, but he was very cool with it. His precise reaction was: "well, it's no problem. I'll get the grandchildren for mom covered!" If anything, he was a bit insulted that I thought his reaction could be anything less than supportive. He seemed really interested, and asked a lot of questions. And, somewhat to my own amazement, I had no problem whatsoever answering them and talking to him about it.

Now, he has been a bit quiet for the last few hours, and avoids looking me in the eyes, so I think the news is sinking in a bit. But he's definitely cool with it! And I feel that I'm a bit cooler with it too. It's an even better feeling than the first time I came out!

Now I just have to tell my mother, so the toughest assignment is yet to come... But I'm sure that with my brother's support, I'll make it through that. After that, informing the remainder of my friends should be almost trivial.