I accidentally outed myself WAY too early

So, I first started to come to terms with being bi when I was a sophomore in high school. After another 6 months of turmoil and soul-crushing self doubt, I just embraced it as being what it is and took it in stride. I guess, over the course of that year, I started to dress more tomboyish because I was slowly realizing I wanted to look androgynous. I was "never" going to tell my parents. Obviously, that's unrealistic, but I was definitely going to keep it a secret into my 20's. I thought I knew what would happen, which is being that my dad is Muslim and my mom is Christian, and both are religious (especially my mother), it would backfire in the worst way possible.

This story is mostly about my mom, but my dad must've suspected that I wasn't straight because I was dressing in a very boyish manner (stereotypes), so one day, while we were standing in the kitchen, he outright asked me if I was gay. He caught me so off guard that I'm sure, even though I denied it, it showed all over my face. He was surprisingly accepting and just kind of awkwardly questioned me a little bit until giving up and made a weird joke that sounded like he was accepting of me. This was so unexpected, because I thought if anything, he would shun me, but he probably knew he had to accept me if he wanted me to keep talking to him after the divorce.

Now, I never wanted to tell my mom. That encounter with my dad was surprisingly favorable, but I knew what would happen with my mom. There were so many damn times I debated with her about homosexuality. I tried to do it nonchalantly, because I truly didn't understand her religion and I used it as my talking point. Even saying that no gay person would choose to be gay if they had to be miserable, disowned, executed in some places, bullied, suicidal, she refused to believe me. One day I said "It doesn't matter what I say, you'll never change your mind will you." and she just sighed and said she's set in her ways. That was such a red flag, I knew I would keep it a secret forever unless I fucking married a woman.

Unfortunately, I had a existential crisis as a senior, right before my 18th birthday, where all my senioritis and the build up of work, as well as my frustration with everything and anything culminated into crippling anxiety about death and life being pointless, I felt so helpless I ended up turning to God and (kind of) trying to believe. I don't agree with the people of the religion but I could try to believe in a God. My mom was connecting with me on a religious level and I still didn't understand shit, but she was happy I was coming to Christ after being "lost".

I just kind of pushed all my thought about homosexuality in regards to her opinion in a corner and didn't think about it because I knew that if she knew, there would be no going back and it would end up so bad. So, guess what I did? Like a fucking idiot, I scribble scrabbled sad and angry notes all over a piece of paper I threw on my desk with my thousand of other papers I didn't think she ever read and happened to wrote I was bi on it.

I come home the next day, IGNORED. Flat out IGNORED. And I didn't know what the fuck was happening, I thought she was upset for some undisclosed reason. The next morning, she comes to me weeping with a face I've never seen before and she told me she read the paper on my desk. I instantly knew and I just stared at the wall and sighed because it was so unbelievable, I didn't even know how to react. She asked me what made me think I was one, and I didn't answer. She told me other things, like first she was mad because she felt she should've prayed about it and she suspected, then that she felt I had betrayed her like my father, and now she just felt sorrowful. I don't even know, it was so awful, it's a blur. Whatever else she said, I can't remember and she left my room and when I finally got up, I hid in the kitchen to just frantically text my friend and wonder how any of this was even actually happening.

Eventually she walked into the kitchen to find me. I asked her if she still loved me, to which she answered yes, then she said that I won't go to heaven if there's sin in my heart, which is why she's so sad, because she won't see me and I'll be plunged into hell. I started crying, because I was so overwhelmed by knowing what she was thinking about me going to hell and I knew it must've felt like the end of the world for her. I hated what she was thinking, but I cried because I felt so sad she thought I was going to hell because I know how much she loves me and I know the extent of her belief in her God. She told me to that if I hate it and asked God to take it away, he would and it twisted something deep inside of me with such anger. Because I know she thinks this is a sin and she would never accept this part of me, ever. Any hope I had of that was gone, and all I could do was rock back and forth and cry about how I didn't understand why it's wrong, because no one can choose, but I knew she wasn't listening, and it made me cry harder because she never will.

Maybe she'll soften in her old age and eventually consider it open mindedly. Now, she cries a lot more, and she prays a lot more, but she's started treating me more like she used to. I'm happy it's slowly going back to how it was before but there's still an elephant in the room. I don't know if she thinks I'm wishing the gay away, but I know she thinks I can make it go away and I'm fucking giving in to the devil or something. She said "We all have temptations" but we have to ignore them and some other things. She said she was always with her best friend all the time, and people always thought they were gay. I don't know if she's saying she liked her or if she's just relating some experience that has no comparison, but it doesn't matter.

I think this messed me up so much because I'm extremely dependent on her, since I've spent most of my life under her care (emotionally anyway) and she's the most important person in my life. But now I don't know what will become of this, because I don't think she'll ever change. I think I even started to internalize some of it, and my new religion is making me doubt if she's right or I am. Or whether there even is a God for that matter. We'll never know. In any case, that's my story of accidentally outing myself. I was completely not prepared for either of them and the one with my mother is seared into my brain like a brand. There's so much to consider and think about, and it makes me sick with worry. But it could be worst. If anyone's stuck around for this long, I give you credit, and please offer me any advice you can. It's much appreciated. :lol:

 

It really does scare me how she thinks I'm going to hell, because she's so important to me, and regardless of whether or not I think she's right, she thinks she's right, and knowing it's breaking her heart breaks mine in so many different ways. I'm just glad she'll always love me, I just feel so fucking bad to the point where I think I've been questioning myself so much lately on religion and wondering if it's really a sin, and what's right and wrong.

I hope she'll read something I give her. I feel how stubborn she is on this and I'm crossing fingers that when this subject comes up again (we haven't talked about it since), I'll muster up the courage to discuss it with her openly without freaking out and crying. I wanna throw some video her way, and I really want her to understand that this just happened to me and I didn't chose. And it would really be so much easier if I were gay. So much easier. Because even if I convince her LGBT+ people can't choose, she'll always think I can.

Anyhoo, thank you. You're right, there's many years ahead and who knows how it'll go. I try to keep my chin up and live life