Hi everyone, I am new here. I found this site while searching to a place to talk with gay people about a problem that I have. By the way, I am sorry for the language, english is not my mother tongue. So, one of my friend is, I think, gay. I think I started to suspect something when he was around 18 years old (I was 20), but I am pretty sure since he was 22. He came back from a year spend in England and he obviously has a relationship. But, whereas he admited he has a relationship, he barely talked about it. He always refered to the person he was with as "someone" or "that person" and always avoided using any word refering to a gender. He also told us (me and another friend) : "I will told you something one day, and I am sure it will be ok, but not now." I thought he might not be ready and I respected it. I didn't want him to feel ill at ease, because I care about him very much. The problem is, 5 years later we are still at the same point. Except that his relationship has come to an end, and that he didn't have any serious relationship since that one, as far as I know. He is now 27 years old, and I don't think he came out to any of his friends or family. And I think it is very sad because I imagine how lonely he might feel. I would like to know how I can help him. How I could make him understand that I am perfectly fine with him being gay, without freeking him out. Another thing is that we live far from each other now, and I probably not gonna see him until the summer. I am not in a rush, but I would really like to know what to do next time I am gonna see him. I am sorry for this long post, and thank you to anyone who gonna answer. Eleanor
First, your English is much better than the majority of people's on here. Second, welcome to EC, I hope we can help. Third, it is really hard to make someone come out if they don't want to. I would be careful not to say anything directly because, while it sounds like he is gay to me too, there is a chance that he is not and that could be offencive. What I would do is just (subtly) let him know that you would be accepting of gay people in general and that you would still love him even if he is gay. Don't push him into anything and don't put words in his mouth but make it easier for him...
Hello and welcome to EC As has been said above, the best thing you can do is just make sure that he knows that you are there when he is ready to come out. Support and acceptance are the best things you can give him, but only he will know when he is ready to come out.
Hi and welcome to EC! As the above members have mentioned all you really can do is just be there for him. Let him know that you are always there for him. When you see him the next time, spend some time with him. Maybe tell him things that he doesn't know about you. When you open up about yourself, it shows him that you trust him and that he can trust you as well. It is important that he knows that he can trust someone and that there is someone that is always there for him, no matter what. Once he feels ready and comfortable with his sexual identity he will let others know. He has to get ready for that step. But this is something he has to do on his own timing.
Yeah, it's great that you're cool with him possibly being gay, though as said above, he needs to be comfortable in his own skin. It takes time. Do you have his MSN or similar? You could just start chatting and by the time you meet, he'll feel really comfortable around you, so he'll be happy to tell you when he's ready.
It does sound like he might be gay (pronoun avoidance is generally a good sign, I'd say. Not many stgraight people refer to their relationships as "persons"). I agree with Rosina. Chatting over MSN and analogues makes it much easier to talk to people about touchy subjects like these. I don't know if I would have ever come out without the half-anonimity they provide. On the other hand, he might have decided that pronoun avoidance was too obvious, and ceased mentioning any relationship entirely. So he might not be so lonely after all...
Thank you so much to everyone who answered. It is a real comfort to know that I am doing the right thing so far. Eleanor
Yup. It's nice to say that you suspect him and just come clean...its good and healthy for the both of you...but one thing I would avoid is what some call "outting" him. Don't forcefully make him come out to everyone. It's better to keep it between you two until he's ready.
Don't worry, I am surely not gonna "outing" him ! I know that I am not his only friend to think that he might be gay, but I always refused to make it a subject for conversation. And I know, this can really be an issue with his family. His mother is pretty cool, but his father on the other hand is not a really open minded person. And he have an handicaped brother. I think, that for his parents, my friend is the child who is not a problem : the one who will marry and have children. So clearly, I am not gonna do anything that could backfire on him in any kind of way. I was just asking some advice about what I could do to make him confortable with me, enought to come out to me if he wants to.
Set him aside, where there is no one else and no chance of passerbys and just talk with him. Really, it's the best thing to do. If you're indeed good friends there will be no animosity between the two of you. You're both adults it seems. Some people like other people to initiate these kinds of debacles rather then start them themselves.