Hey everyone, I'm a lesbian. My closest friends know, but I want to be open to the world about it. I feel like I'm living a lie. I've been dating guys for a long time. Never had sex with them, just dating. I could never bring myself to have sex with someone who just can't connect with. I know why I did it. I was trying, "experimenting", to convince myself that maybe I'm straight, and then I wouldn't have to confront myself and the world that I'm different... But I feel like I'm a prisoner inside my own body and hell I wanna be free. I hate putting energy towards being someone I'm not. It's exhausting. I love women. I connect with women, and in a way that I could never do with a man. My heart belongs to women, and I love that. I just wish I loved myself enough to be so open and proud. I feel that I am proud, but I know I'm not because I'm still afraid to let the world know. I want to tell my grandparents. They raised me so they are like my parents. My grandmother already kinda knows I think. But is a bit in denial. I think it'll be okay. It's more the courage inside myself to be open. It's funny. It's such a small thing to the rest of the world I'm sure, for most people atleast, but for me it's huge hahaha. I want to find love. I want to be married one day and live the rest of my life with my one true love. But it ain't never gonna happen unless I am open and honest about who I am. Hell I'm a 25 year old, very attractive, female and I aint never had sex. Its not that Im frigid, I want to, but i dont want to have sex with men and im not brave enough to be honest about my homosexuality. Lol. I have men knocking at my door constantly, trying to win my love, and I feel like I total unloved loser, simply because I cant connect with their love. I cant reciprocate it and I cant accept it. I wish they would just get it. I don't want them. But they are filled with delusions that tell them they can win my love. But love doesnt work this way... Love must be mutually returned... without effort. Love should flow like a river, it should come naturally. I have even told a few of these guys in secret that im gay. But nope, they still try to win my love. Hopeless Romantics. But I dont blame them, Im the same. But a bit more down to earth, I think. I wish I knew how may lesbians there were out there. I feel so isolated and alone sometimes. I can handle not ever finding love. But not being honest about who I am? I have to atleast love myself. Thanks for listening - just really needed to get that out of my system.
Hi, I just came out to a friend today actually I posted about it in "Chit chat" http://emptyclosets.com/forum/chit-chat/211739-i-came-out-one-friend.html After coming out I felt amazing. I suggest you come out to one of your female friends first and make it very casual. Your friend probably won't care and will still be your friend and you will end up feeling much better about yourself.
Not being able to come out to people does not mean you're not proud. I think, by what I've read, you have accepted who you are and that's a really big thing and you should be proud of that. You can be proud on the inside, and not be able to tell everyone. Because that's a different kind of challenge for everyone. When you have people who love you your whole life and are so familiar with what they know of you, it can be naturally terrifying to think about revealing something they may never have known or expected about you, especially if you fear they may love you less because of it. I'm not saying that will happen, but that's where the fear comes from and that's totally natural. It doesn't mean you're not proud or that you're "less-than" other LGBT+ folk who have come out. It's just the next step in the process, one that you can make in your own time. And if you need more time to get used to things, that's completely fine and natural too. Starting with friends always helps. It takes a lot of courage. Start with some close people, and work your way up to those you may be more afraid to tell. Never think your fear makes you unworthy or not good enough. It's natural and you've totally got this! If you need to take more time for yourself first, then that's great! It can be easy to want to rush but that isn't always what's right at the time. It's up to you and how you feel. I wish you the best!
