"If you have any answers, We will be glad to provide full and detailed questions." - R.A.W. (1975) What labyrinths the mind can build given enough time (and stubbornness), without even the aid of conscious planning! The fascinating part (to me) is being able to clearly see the room in which I started, and sort of where I'm at, but not the middle. That was backwards, let me try again... the fascinating part is being able to clearly see the outside as I remember it, for I am in the labyrinth now. Unfortunately, I forgot to make a map when I wandered in and must now discover the path to freedom without the aid of memory. The first question I had to ask myself on realizing that I was perfectly happy outside of the maze was: "Why, seriously, in the name of Sanity, did I give up that freedom voluntarily and willingly enter this hopeless maze, only to wander for years and years (and years)?" The only answer I can come up with is quite shameful. Luckily, due to the blessed anonymity of Our Internet, I can shelter myself from true accountability [self-editting note: that last sentence was sarcasm, I think]. The answer is fear, or more accountably, cowardice. I ran into the maze for shelter because I was afraid. My only possible excuse is that I was pretty young at the time, and I did not have many of the defences that time provides to us as we mature. There are many other questions, of course, which is why I am here. Unfortunately, I don't know exactly what they are. If I did, I would just ask them outrightly. Since I don't, I'll just try not to fall further into the labyrinth. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay, so, some explanation may be in order. Let me state up front that that crudely constructed metaphor was not meant to solely describe a single issue. However, a key consideration is sexuality. But that isn't even the right word, and that is a lot of what I am struggling with right now. I mean, I chose the term 'sexuality' because of other terms such as 'homosexuality', 'heterosexuality', 'bisexuality', 'pansexuality', etc., which are used to describe orientation. That seems to be their common link. I think you understand though, if I were to say, that being gay isn't merely about being homosexual, or being straight merely about being heterosexual. Or more general, these terms being bandied about as orientation aren't constrained to the physical level. And personally, I don't think they can be viewed as a switch (gay/straight); I belong to the spectrum school of ideas. Before I stray off course even more: "Know yourself." [γνῶθι σεαυτόν] - Temple of Apollo at Delphi [according to Pausanias] That is my motivation here, I want to know who I am. That is the key to leaving the labyrinth that I have wandered for quite some time. And maybe the largest part that I have struggled with (often unconsciously) for such a long time is around sexuality. I define myself as bisexual, although pansexuality is just as adequate. I think they address the same whole but on different levels, so some combination of them may be the best. Um, I've known this my whole life, or as early as such thoughts of any particular nature would apply that I am attracted to humanity, gender aside. Physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, if I feel attracted to a person, it is regardless of their gender. Considering gender at all seemed ludicrous to my young self. Yet, when other things such as sexuality and more adult relationships come into consideration as I got older, I realized that the world/society did not have such a fair treatment. Fearing persecution and worse I decided mentally to just play the straight and narrow. At my naive age I figured, "Hey, being bisexual just means you get to choose straight or gay, so easy enough, I choose straight!" Well, I wish it were that simple. I have found that being being bisexual *is not at all* being able to decide which way to throw the switch, because there is no damn switch So, one reason I'm here is after living my life trying to hide any urges or indications that occured on the "wrong" side, I guess I'm fed up. Another (main) reason I'm here is that I'm 29 and married to my soulmate in a heterosexual relationship. This means that my recent conscious revelations (or revealings) are extremely confusing to me (and I think her, but she seems to understand more than I do). Things get jumbled in my head quickly when I try to think about this altogether. Fact is, I know I have married my soulmate, and I feel complete. Any desires toward another female are merely a shoulder shrug, easily dismissed as natural urges but only that, for I know I've found the one for me. Desires towards another male on certain levels, though they should not be any different, are. I think this is because of my own failures in the past to live life freely. But I lack certainty, because I can only guess because... (aside from a mostly unspoken feel-as-you-go relationship a long, long time ago) I don't even know a large part of myself. WHAT DO I DO? Just kidding, kind of. Although I thought quite a lot about the beginning of this post, the end might leave you totally confused, which is good because then we sure as hell have something in common
im a little confused... so your bi/pan... in a hetero relationship and just now coming to terms... id say give it time and organize your thoughts.
Hey no, you're ok - I'm not totally confused by your post at al! I, too, spent many years (most of my adult life so far, in fact) in a fully 'heterosexual' relationshionship; and I will always say in total honesty that I loved my wife dearly, that she was 'the one' for me, and that I was very happy when I was married to her. There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be very happy to have found and married your 'soul-mate' just as you have described. However, our ability to love can be completely seperate from our desires and other attractions. You need to realise it isn't always of any help at all, though, for you to try to 'label' or 'pigeon-hole' your preferences and attractions. Ok in my case, where I accepted the love I held for my wife and had a happy heterosexual marriage to her (with two lovely daughters, too), it might seem somehow contradicted; by me now coming out as a gay man (I don't consider myself to be bi-sexual) looking to meet other gay men. It isn't. This is exactly why I asked you to resist applying labels or definitions to yourself, they don't work! The fact is that you have your wife, who you describe as your soul-mate who makes you feel complete. That's good, isn't it? The only problem you hint at, is that there is perhaps a side of you that desires experiences with your own sex as well. Have I got that right? Well, to fulfill it would almost certainly involve some level of 'unfaithfulness' with regard to your wife and your marriage. You don't have to do that! You do have a choice! What you decide will be up to you, but in either case may possibly involve a compromise.
I think you hit the target pretty much. I agree that labels seem to confuse more than help a lot of the time. To answer your question, of course it is awesome that I am married to someone I hold so dear! Even though the urges I feel may be natural, they make me feel bad. And I think this just has to do with the repression I've put myself through. The only questions I can provide regard coming to terms with who I am, I guess.
