Came out to Awesome Spouse

tl;dr came out to my wife as Bigender, she was beyond awesome about it and has been incredibly supportive.

Wall Of Text

Bear with me, I'm not 100% clear on proper terminology yet For the purposes of this story, we'll say that he is Cayd and she is Mattie.

So a little backstory first: I'm biologically male. I've known I was bigender since I was about 8. Around 12, my mom caught me crossdressing on several occasions and my parents decided I need to see a psychologist to teach me the differences between men and women. Not that it helped, I told the psychologist exactly what they wanted to hear and I was pronounced "fixed" after a few weeks.

Later I would continue to be Mattie in secret. Dressed or not, Mattie really only got to see the sun when no-one was around. Oh, she still came out here and there, Cayd could only repress her so much. And it sucked. Hard. At one point I actually wrote a suicide note in high school (a fact I've only ever told my wife up to this point). But, I'm stubborn as a stone-headed mule, so I didn't go through with it (so very thankful I got that trait from my dad).

College helped a little, but not a whole lot. I would purchase clothes for Mattie, get super ashamed as Cayd, and then purge everything. And when Mattie would show up during the day, Cayd would try to repress her as much as possible. (Note: Cayd likes Mattie, I'm the same person after all, he just succumbed to societal and familial pressures...this is kinda weird talking about myself like that ).

The Story:
Eventually I met my wife and we got married after dating for 2 years, and being engaged for 2 more. We've been married 5 years come this summer. Last week I finally came completely to terms with being bigender. And I realized that I'd need to at least tell my wife, even if I never told anyone else. She's my best friend, and communication is a huge part of our relationship. If I kept repressing Mattie, I'd eventually engage in more and more destructive behavior...which could end that relationship.

So, I read up about people coming out to their spouses. And quite a few of the stories I found scared the crap out of me. But, it needed done. She was heading out to visit family in a couple of days, and I had a job interview at the end of the week, so I debated waiting until she got back from her trip to come out (she hadn't left yet). But as the day went on, I realized I couldn't wait that long...the anxiety would crush me.

So, when I got home, I said we should go on a walk (it was nice out, and that's how we get some of our exercise). And after she got changed I sat down on the bed and told her I had something I needed to tell her. I. Was. Scared. I knew that the next few moments had the potential to take my best friend away from me. I hoped they wouldn't, I felt they wouldn't, I was mostly certain they wouldn't, but my mind was racing to the worst possible outcome.

So, after staring at the wall a minute or so, I told her I was bigender. I braced myself. And she said "okay, you mean like genderfluid?". I looked at her, questioningly and stunned. She said that with all of the news coverage of transgendered individuals, she had asked herself (hypothetically) what she would do if I had come out as transgendered. She said that she had come to the conclusion she loved Me, all of Me, and who I was wouldn't have changed. I was stunned. In a good way.

We went on our walk and discussed things further, our plans for kids in the future and what our plans for the future would be. Especially how we would deal with kids and family (who I currently do not have plans on coming out to).

She has since been incredibly amazing. I can't pass as Mattie yet, and it's a fine line to walk to make sure Cayd is just as happy as Mattie (he's okay with long hair...ponytailed swordsmen are badass). My wife has helped me buy clothes, and is getting to the point where she can tell which side I've "flipped" to based on only minor cues. Just tonight even, she sent me some coupons she had clipped for cosmetics for Mattie. She even said I should look into FUT surgery if I wanted to (won't ever do HRT because it wouldn't be fair to Cayd, and hair is a huge issue for Mattie. Male pattern hair loss sucks.).

So my experience coming out to my wife has been amazing. I feel so much more relaxed and myself. I may not come out to the rest of my family (initial probing has been rather bad), but I'm so glad I did for my wife.