1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

letter to and from mom

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by limfjord96, Mar 3, 2009.

  1. limfjord96

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2009
    Messages:
    228
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Diego
    ok so sorry in advance at the length but this contains my letter to my mom and her response. She is going to share my letter with my dad and little bro and then i will have no one else that needs to know...So i you guys react the way i did.


    my letter:

    Dear Mom,

    I am writing you a letter because I don’t know how else to say it. I know probably by that opening line you have already guessed what this letter is about. I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I am Gay or at least 99% so.

    It wasn’t an easy journey, as I have tried so hard for so long to not be. I wanted more than anything to be the perfect son, and make you guys proud of me. My whole life has been devoted to trying to achieve the quintessential American boys dream, a successful career, a loving family a wife and kids with a big house and car. I have tried for so long to be the funny one, the happy one, the smart one, the successful one, and in doing so I have lied to myself and that lie has festered inside for so long to the point where I had to let it out.

    What I am about to say may alarm you but in no way is it my intention. Over the last few weeks I have been speaking with some online support groups, and this whole “coming out” process has been so difficult. Imagine yourself growing further apart from yourself with each day and each new strange sense of reality that is slowly crushed by your desire to not be who you are. Dramatic? Yes. I was rock bottom, and I was so filled with depression and self loathing that I was contemplating the unthinkable, and it was pretty much “own up to it, or don’t go on living.” That’s when I told Nick. And I was pleased at how supportive he has been. He literally saved my life. I have only told a few people, including Robert and two friends at work and have had no negative reactions yet. I find myself day in and day out happy one day sad the next, accepting one day, hating myself the next. I get choked up but never cry. I haven’t cried for like ten years, my emotions have been so tightly packed that I feel like maybe I have lost the capability to cry. I haven’t had the courage to tell Todd, or Ryan, but the strength is growing with every new person I get support from. I feel like they will be understanding, but the thought of losing the relationship that I have with those two scares me more than the uncertainty of my future.

    I hate that I have to do this in a letter, I hate it so much. I hate that I can’t just say it. I thought yeah it was a phase, or I am only thinking these things because I hate the way I look, and I want to look like that guy, but sadly I find that now I feel like I look some what ok, and my theory has been swiftly crushed. I would feel bad about not being able to give you grand kids, and a daughter-in-law, except I feel that with five sons you may have an abundance in the future. And maybe some day our bigot ridden society will allow me to give you another son-in-law. Besides, having a gay son is like the “in thing” now isn’t it? Consider yourself with the times. 

    I don’t want to the whole world to know, for I feel my sexuality does not define me, while I will never go out of the way to tell people, I certainly don’t feel right lying anymore if asked. I know what you are thinking, well maybe I don’t. You may have already suspected this. Your thank you note read “I know that there is someone out there dying to share your life and ours,” and that struck to the heart of me. I was worried and freaking out that you might already know and were throwing a life line to me. My thought process was “oh man why didn’t she say some girl….does she know?” I suspect that you do know, well I guess you do now, but I guess that you suspected all along.

    I don’t know how dad will take it, I suspect he will be ok with it, and you are welcome to share this with him, I just don’t think I could stand any disappointment that may come of this. I am still the same guy; I don’t plan on running around in spandex and waving the rainbow flag. But I am hoping to be able to start living for my own happiness, and I hope that you and the rest of the family will be able to accept that. White belt and all 

    I feel that I am rambling now, because I know once I am finished with this letter then I have to send it, and that terrifies me. That and writing all this down helps me cope with the whole process. I love you guys so much, and nothing will ever change that. I will probably not answer the first phone call if you decide to call me after receiving this. The pit in my stomach just continues to grow when ever I wait to hear from anyone I tell. So talking on the phone might not be too successful at first.

    I am sorry Mom, truly, sorry that I couldn’t tell you sooner, sorry that I couldn’t tell myself sooner, sorry that I have spent so much time trying to be some one that I am not. Sorry that I could only tell you in a letter. But most of all I am sorry that I feel so terrified to tell you this. Again, I love you, and I hope to speak to you soon.


    Her Response:

    To my funny, happy, smart, successful and quintessentially amazing son: I LOVE YOU and the only tragedy in this reality would be if you EVER felt anything less than secure in knowing how very much everyone loves and respects you! You complete this family as only you can, just as each of your siblings complete it in their unique way as well. Nothing will alter that. I don't even know where to start - we have a great connection, you and I, and you are right, I wanted to pick up the phone before I had even finished your letter because I want you to know so much that has been in my heart for so long. But I will wait until you feel the time is right. I have felt your angst and have seen your struggle and have yearned for the day your burden would be eased. I have felt your conflict in the past few weeks (don't ask me how, I just did) and have been expecting a revelation any time. I didn't know exactly how to help you make this journey "out" and yes, the phrase in my note is exactly what you thought it was. It was my way of trying to reach out to you without stepping over a boundary into an area that would cause you any discomfort. I hope I haven't failed you by not knowing precisely how to guide you through a process I have prayed wouldn't be a painful one for you, and yet, I now see that it has been a struggle I would have done anything to help you get through. Please don't be sorry and don't be sad to have done this in a letter - I am not alarmed or upset or hurt or anything but elated that you will be able to now move forward in an extraordinary life filled with so much promise. It will be a fortunate man who gets to be a part of your life and this family. Remember, I am a mother of sons - there's always room for one more!! And who says you can never give me grandkids? If you want to be a parent, and what a great dad you would be, you certainly have that option open to you in the future. And if not, what lucky little nieces and nephews you have! The ony regret I have is this society of ours may not always make life easy for you - something I'll continue to do my best to change. You are not alone and I am so glad you have been able to locate support groups. I don't know if you are aware of this, but my very good friend _ ___________ is gay and came out to me years ago. He would be honored to be your friend and sounding board if you ever need him. I want SO badly to be there with you to talk to you and hug you and tell you how uber(?) proud I am of you. I feel so distressed thinking of you being depressed and filled with self loathing and I want your friends to know they have my forever gratitude for recognizing you are indeed the same "you" they have always loved. I see you sent this letter on 3/1/09 but I have been so busy with Ryan and Amanda I haven't checked my mail. Now I am feeling worried my delayed response may have caused you some anguish, for which I am so sorry. I have replied the second I finished reading it, and I was alerted to it by a text from Todd. I will keep your news to myself or tell your dad and Ryan if you want me to. I'm not real clear on exactly how you want me to proceed, but whatever you decide, we can do it together if you want. It hurts my heart that you felt terrified to send the letter, but I certainly understand why you were. Promise me those feelings are behind you and that you understand you need never feel them again when it comes to sharing any aspect of your life with me. You will NEVER disappoint us. We are so honored to be your parents and recognize what a privilege it is to have you as our son. I hope we can talk soon. Be happy - I love you so much! Mom PS You would probably look great in spandex!!
     
  2. EM68

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,265
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Stoughton, Massachusetts USA
    Congrats on coming out to your mom! That was a great letter and your mom's response was even better. I am so happy for you right now. The letters gave me shivers. (!)(!)
     
  3. beckyg

    beckyg Guest

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2007
    Messages:
    6,656
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Middle of Oregon
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    OMG............I just want to grab your Mom and take her to the next PFLAG convention with me! She would be perfect! Does she live in San Diego too? That is where its going to be! Seriously, tell your Mom about PFLAG. We need people like her who love their children unconditionally to work with us for equality. Maybe you won't wave that rainbow flag...............SHE WILL!
     
  4. limfjord96

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2009
    Messages:
    228
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Diego
    she lives in Washington, which is why i had to email her, i see her only once a year fpr christmas....I will defintiely tell her, i havent called her yet because i want to hear from my brother and dad first....But i loved the line "i am a mother of sons, and there is always room for one more." i loved that so much.
     
  5. jblack

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2009
    Messages:
    115
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada eh?
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    CONGRATULATIONS! I am so happy for you!
    Your letter was great and your Mom's response was awesome too!

    Just thought I'd mention that you're not alone in everything you have went through and are going through. I've had exactly the same thoughts (assuming I just wanted to be more like other guys, when in fact I was physically attracted to them) and the one day happy one day sad is something I can relate to!

    I am only just recently out to two friends, but your letter has inspired me to consider telling my family. Thank you, and enjoy your new freedom!
     
  6. Alex19

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2009
    Messages:
    1,157
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    good for u! it was amazing. and your mom is sooo cool.
     
  7. RaRa

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2008
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles, CA
    Congrats Dan! Gawd i'm so happy for you. :3

    But I love your mom even more, she sounds so awesome! :grin:
     
  8. Mirko

    Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2008
    Messages:
    18,870
    Likes Received:
    3,203
    Location:
    Northern Hemisphere
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Congratulations! That's awesome! I am so happy for your that it went sooooo well and that your mom is so accepting and wonderful about it.
     
  9. beckyg

    beckyg Guest

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2007
    Messages:
    6,656
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Middle of Oregon
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    I loved that too! (!)
     
  10. Davo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2007
    Messages:
    454
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Scotland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Wow! What an amazing letter and reply, I thought your letter to your mum was excellent and well thought out, but I was deeply moved by your mother's response (I was close to crying which is very rare for me), she sounds amazing and I'm really happy for you.

    Loved the PS from your mum
     
  11. Alex19

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2009
    Messages:
    1,157
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    the ps was great. if u can pull off the spandex look, go for it! lol
     
  12. sdc91

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2007
    Messages:
    1,402
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    The Castro, San Francisco, California
    Whoa, your mom is really awesome. Congrats on coming out to her! I came out via letter to both my parents at the same time and they called me when they read it. My mom wasn't too elated about it but she went along with my dad who was totally fine with it and they both support me.

    I'm glad that your mom is so accepting. When I read her response I just felt really happy for you, and it actually made me feel good about myself knowing that there are such nice, understanding people in the world.

    Good luck coming out to your brothers and dad! (Whoaa, 4 brothers? I thought 2 was enough.) And lol @ spandex... I'm sure you'd look good too, but whatever floats your boat. :thumbsup:
     
  13. Nodnarb

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2007
    Messages:
    1,430
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ames, Iowa
    Wow:grin:

    I'm on the verge of tears, and I never cry. You're mom's letter was amazing:slight_smile:

    Congrats!
     
  14. -Michael-

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2008
    Messages:
    1,126
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    Middlesbrough, North-east England
    TEARS IN MY EYES!

    TEARS IN MY EYES!

    This has made my day...evening. :slight_smile:

    Congrats!!
     
  15. Miles D

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2008
    Messages:
    786
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Diego, CA ⇒ Great Barrington, MA
    That's so cool! Congrats man.
    Your mom sounds so awesome :grin:
     
  16. stilsurchin

    stilsurchin Guest

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2009
    Messages:
    233
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    British Columbia
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm blubbering like a little baby, Danny boy.
     
  17. antarranger

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2009
    Messages:
    68
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North Carolina
    You have a great mom that was an amazeing letter.
     
  18. Bryan44

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2009
    Messages:
    110
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Georgia
    Dan the man, I am so proud of you. I know how nervous you were about this and it took a lot of courage to do it. I am so happy for you. Your mom is awesome, and I think that your your dad will take it well too. Congrats, and I hope that you can start to enjoy your new life!
    -Bryan
     
  19. Apocalypte

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2008
    Messages:
    557
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Dublin, Ireland
    You are so lucky to have such an understanding mother. Give her a big hug the next time you see her.
     
  20. coriolis

    coriolis Guest

    OOH. I love your mom!!