I dreaded coming out. First to myself. When that happened, I'd just gotten dumped out of my first serious relationship and also the one where I finally lost my virginity. Since I was presenting and attempting to be a guy at the time it was ostensibly a het relationship although there were elements throughout it that kept "pinging" me. The ending of it hurt so much but also having been with her I realized finally that I could say to myself, "You are a woman" and feel amazing good instead of ashamed. So in my every day life I started moving towards a daily presentation I could live with. It was kind of androgynous, which was very doable because I lived in a university town with a big LGBTQIA component. I started being more femme in private but kind of butch/tomboyish in public. When my best friend OD'd, that kind of accelerated the process and I started coming out online to people I knew there. I was still too scared to come out to my online friends, but part of that was just not wanting the hassle or attention, too. That worked for a while. Then I moved to Japan. Then my dad died. One night while I was texting a very close friend I just did it. But I knew she'd be cool with it. Then I came out to another friend who was actually going through the coming out thing herself, and she was also very supportive and happy. Then I came out to someone I was in an online relationship with and she was very supportive and it really turned our relationship into something amazing. And kind of mutually obsessive for a while. It was like a binge and it felt like a very positive one. Each time I felt whole and complete and incredibly relieved. One more person I didn't have to lie to and who I could discuss broader things with. And specific things with. I came out to a few more acquaintances and they were also supportive. Finally, I wanted to come out to the person I felt had started this in the first place. Only I knew from experience she could be pretty acerbic. And also we'd had a physical relationship at one time and then a big fight during our friendship over residual resentments and emotions from it. How would she take it? I really craved her opinion because she was such a role model for me as a woman. Wow, even during my most vulnerable times I'd never felt as frightened as I did as I composed that message. My heart rate went off the chart, too. I was sweating and shaking so badly I could barely press the send button. I told her I wanted to tell her something important and I was worried she'd start to hate me. "Why would I hate you?" she messaged back. "Just tell me." So I did. Her response was VERY funny. We'd been recommending music to each other back and forth and she'd told me she had an idea of something I might like and then decided against it. Now she messaged, "I guess I will recommend those Beth Orton albums to you after all." Then she told me I reminded her of one of her favorite Tori Amos songs. And I should be listening to her, too. Her only negative concern was that I might become a cat person. She's been very cool about it since. She got me shaving my arms and shaping my eyebrows. She gave me swimsuit advice and the best compliments when I finally showed her what I look like in a bikini. She was the first person to tell me, "Right on, sister," about an opinion. To be honest, most of the time I don't care what people think of me. Well, a little. But not much. I've always gone my own way and been pretty much a rebel or independent. Part of it was feeling like an outsider. But coming out to these friends made me feel like an insider for once. Anyway, I will be coming out to more people. I don't exactly hide who I am, but it's more or less on a "If you ask, I'll tell you, but if you can't figure it out on your own you don't really need to know" basis. ---------- Post added 18th Jun 2016 at 01:45 AM ---------- "I was still too scared to come out to my online friends, but part of that was just not wanting the hassle or attention, too." That should be "real life friends." Oops.
