The hardest thing that I have done

I debated on if I should write this or not however, I believe that this is good therapy.
I will do my best to give you the condensed version. Unfortunately, this story does not begin happy.
I, as several people here knew at a young age that they were attracted to people of the same gender. Living in a small Northeast Texas rural town the only place to express your true self is alone in the shadows of your mind. You suffer secretly wanting to be the person you know you are but fear and rejection suffocate you. So you sit in silence. I became aware of my difference in middle school. As you can imagine my middle school and high school years were hell. There were people who knew I was different and daily they insured that I paid the price by stares and slanderous comments.
Life moves on yet monthly, daily, hourly, snide remarks, jokes all targeting gay people permeate you.
After awhile it becomes obvious, something is wrong with you and it is best to retreat further into your mind. Now you are only a shell of a human trapped in a world that wants nothing to do with you, or cure you of your illness. Life continues to move ahead and you have learned to maneuver in this world. You laugh at the jokes, keep your head down and hope that no one takes notice of you.
Flash forward. Recently, after many years of trying to convince myself that I was straight and looking for the girl that shows the world that I am just like everyone else, self-reflection tosses my world into chaos. Questions surface. Why am I looking for “the girl” when I am attracted to guys? For two months I began online searches of gay people. I came across a few websites that talked about coming out, tips, questions, etc... As I read stories I began asking myself questions like, is this me? Do I feel like that? My answers always was you know who you really are, stop the deception. Two weeks from this date I suddenly became depressed. I became a recluse cutting off contact from my friends and family. “How can I face them?” Quickly, they realized that the fun and jovial friend had retreated. On the occasions that I would see them the words that I wanted to tell them, “I’m gay” faded in the atmosphere just as quickly as it took for me to open my mouth. “What the hell is wrong with you, why can’t you say it!?” That weekend a plan emerged. Monday is Texas Independence Day and I have the day off, so why don’t I cook my friend’s dinner and celebrate Texas’ independence with my own. The date was set and the menu planned.
Monday.
I’m home all day preparing the four course meal and rehearsing how I would tell them. When they arrive I have them go and chillax since they were at work and school all day. I feel uneasy but begin serving the dinner. Not to brag but they are impressed. Thank God, I needed all the positive energy as possible. We progress through our meal and they question, “What is all this for?”
I say, we are celebrating Texas Independence Day… (long pause) and my independence day.
Confused looks are darting at my direction. Again, the words did not want to come out. “WHAT IS IT”, they ask. And with that the words, “Guys, I have to tell you something (my hands grow cold and my heart flutters). With a shaky voice I say, “I’m…gay” “I bat for the home team”
My eyes now have a hard time seeking their eyes. The questions begin with brief moments of silence.
They were actually touched and accepted this new revelation of a friend whom they have known since the first grade. They were HAPPY that I chose to tell them. Though I came out to them I did let them know that I’m still trying to adapt to the new me but would answer any questions that they would want to ask. Some more questions came and the night continued as it usually did.
One last thing I tell them, since all of our families still live in the closed minded little towns and I’m not ready to tell them at this time. They totally understood.
My second outing last night was a little rockier than the first but ultimately had the same results.
I wonder, will they all be difficult or do they get easier? I never had felt this open before, it frightens me. Today, I feel more like me for the first time in my life. With such great revelation I still am frightened, uncertain and unsure how to proceed. This is my partial story. With great humility, thank you for reading my life.