From straight, to bi, to gay.

Might be NSFW, maybe not.
I felt like I needed to get this out there, so i put it here, felt like the right place..
I identify as a gay male.

My earliest memories of questioning my sexuality are from around second grade, when my parents would ask me if I like girls or boys, I had said both, untill 4th when I said girls, because they would ask me many times, it got old.

I discovered erections and masturbation around the age of 11 when a friend had showed me some adult videos on newgrounds. I was aroused by women, and straight sex, guys never crossed my mind.

All through elementary and middle school I never had a drive to have a girlfriend, my friends did and I never understood why.

I stayed single till I was 16 when I found out a girl liked me, figured I would give dating a chance. I was still jacking off to straight porn (lesbians and some more risque stuff as well).

We had held hands and kissed but nothing all that deep, it was a very relaxed relationship, almost like hanging out with a friend you just happen to kiss on the lips.

My second relationship had made me a nervous wreck, nothing she did, she was supportive and kind, very sweet, I was just instantly plagued by uneasyness and disgusting anxiety.

I had started questioning myself, "why do I feel this way, all the time?"
During every relationship after that I was always anxious, just so nervous I could throw up. I wondered why I was so serene and calm when I was single, but like a walking ball of misery when I was dating these girls. It felt like my body was rejecting these relationships. I have to press this, these girls were the nicest people I have ever met, always doing the best they can, they never did anything to hurt me. I started to wonder if girls were just not my emotional cup of tea. So I figured I had some weird form of bisexuality.

My last girlfriend was the same as the others, I was a nervous wreck, etc, etc. However I had actualy had sex with her, many times.

Sex felt good, and she got me erect with her naked body; however, no amount of foreplay, sex, handjobs, or blowjobs, would ever get me to orgasm. It started to feel like a chore. The only way I could ever reach a climax was when I had jacked off and thought about it.
The most fun I had with her was the make out sessions. Started to think I was more gay than Bi.

Sure you can say that sex with anyone you dont truly like or love will be lack luster, but to that extent? I had given up on relationships after her and stayed single.

Throught all of my girlfriends, I could not stay stable mentally (except for the first) and I spent a good 4 years dwelling on my experiences with the opposite sex, they wanted to be with me, I was never rejected but my mind and body seemed to have rejected them. I never sought after the relationships, they just sort of happened.

I was wanting to figure myself out so badly, I looked back to all the things ive done over the years, everything from flirting with guys, sitting in their laps, having been dogpiled on, just things that made me wonder why I was so comfortable with, but not comfortable with girls. Again I had never thought about guys as often as girls, I had a couple guy crushes in highschool, but nothing came of it, I was still masturbating to straight porn and checking out girls in volleyball shorts, so i stuck with the notion of being bi. Even after that people still asked me if I was gay, even my mother tended to ask from time to time. I mean did I really act in a way that made people think that?

But after highschool and the sexual experience I had, I lost interest in girls...almost entirely. Didnt care to look at them as I did, never bothered to flirt or hit on them, nada. I just wanted to hang out with my guy friends.

A couple years ago I had started to wonder, "what about boys, guys, men?"
I became curious with the thought of being with a man, big hairy arms, warm and strong, just stuff that makes you feel safe. I became interested in anal play, checking guys out, wondering how big they are, just stuff I never bothered with. I enjoyed it, I like flirting with guys, I enjoyed staring at them, it was fun, but I kept it all to myself, I figured it was just a late phase. My mother had ended up asking my many times throught my life if I was gay or bi, Because I tended to bring up subjects or say things that set off a flag. It had me worried that how I felt was just a phase or something. I never looked at female actresses or noticed them, but male actors are the ones I notice the most.

Now recently, within this past year Ive started to embrace the gay side of myself and even felt the need to "come out" as gay to a couple of really close friends, and even started dating guys. (sort of)

But theres a personal issue with that, I still question myself from time to time due to the fact that I do get an occasional erection from female nudity (most of the time i get hard, its guys, or the thought of dicks, those girls must be pretty hot) , but I have no actual interest in having sex with a woman. ( I know that porn isnt an indicator of sexuality, but it means something to some degree.)

There you have it, the slightly choppy story of how I discovered what I liked.(Kind of just spit it out as it came to mind, so sorry for this):eusa_doh:
Dating guys is also easier, I dont feel bad like I did when I dated girls.

TLDR;
was a straight boy, then a bi teen, now a gay man.(!)

 

I appreciate your comment! It has been a mental challenge for a long time, I do find it easier to not worry about it and have fun, because the stresses of worriying about who to like or who knows what I like, seem unnecessary. Life is too short to last long and worries drag out the days. I have been so much more happy talking to people about what I'm into and it allows me to learn about myself and others. There are people who share the same feelings that I do and its comforting to know that. Being alone, to me at least, was such a self inflicted issue at times, that it made me wonder why I felt the need to press into my head. Silly and complicated the mind is; labels do help but its more less a minor descriptor of one small part of a much much more bigger whole.

Coming out to people felt like I was telling people something they had already known. But I was more or less just doing it for myself, and that's okay!