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my bitter sweet-coming out experience

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by hanrity, Jul 23, 2016.

  1. hanrity

    hanrity Guest

    My bitter sweet.
    I was born in Uganda. I didnt choose to be born here. In my country being a lesbian is a crime. To understand my country picture an old 1800's England where you had to live a certain way as society expected, you had to be religious and be straight.

    My earliest memory was when I was 4&half years I had just watched Cinderella, I toldmy mum "if I was Cinderella I would marry a princess, they are much prettier and we would share dresses" I was flogged heavily for thinking like this. I vowed not to say these things out loud ( f.y.I flogging is accepted in mycountry)

    Here came my adolescent days.I was what my society deemed a beautiful girl so naturally all the boys continously sought after me I felt nothing instead I secretly crushed on girls. I knew I was ridiculously a lesbian. I decided to live this fake life yet I secretly had another life. I told everyone I was asexual or i was waiting till I was like20 to date or I was waiting for marriage (btw I didnt believe in marriage but then again this was all an act ) I became so conscious to what people thought of me I desperately tried to act &live what people called right. For instance I was ayouth consellor at church I was loved by everyone I was the life of the party I did all perfectly right.......yet the truth was I was extremely atheist, I had a secret Facebook profile where I was a lesbian I secretly loved girls

    (Trying to make this story short) I met this girl she was attracted to me I for once admitted to her. We grew close I one-day told my mum "myfriend&I wont get married, weve resolved to stay together and age together as friends ofcourse"she didnt like this she had me see a doctor I was forced to take hormones she thought if I took female hormones I would be a proper female and like a boy already. (This never worked instead I currently have hormonal disorder I may never give birth because my babymachine is messed up but oh well)
    A year ffwd this girl&I agree to come out to our family we make a pact to do this at our Sunday family lunches. We were drunk. That Sunday I chickened out I couldn't but she did. She was chased from home she ended up ending her life. I blamed my self so much.( YOU know her body was left at the hospital to be buried).

    I resolved il never do relationships. Il forever be asexual. I continued the fake life I volunteered alot, did everything right. At uni, I battled with being myself as opposed to what I would act out on several occasions the real me popped out. In my last year I didnt have it all together I got entangled in my own lies I tried so hard to make everyone think perfect of me think I was what they considered normal...I struggled. I need out i had immense pressure &no more excuses, i felt tired......I signed up for a volunteering program didnt sit for exams I needed to get away......at this program I was the usual most loved person, hit on alot, but I quickly made them think I was asexual. There was this girl she made me feel things I never felt before amonth in we had a long heartfelt talk she figured out I was a lesbian& she was too....the way she treated me like a person she didnt think I was weird...I felt free......I never wanted to stop feeling like this.

    That evening was eve of my birthday, I was turning 22, I realized ive spent my life living for everyone else but me.I called a supposed close friend of mine came out to her she ended the call. In less than an hr. The news was viral. All my supposed friends sending me hate texts, blocking me, sending me degrading messages it was all too much. The next day my birthday no one called no messages just insults I threw my sim card bought a new phone line.
    The next week I asked for an off from the program&went home because they had heard the news. I had changed my profile everywhere Facebook name it...that I like girls im lesbian.

    My family demanded I take back all this, I refused, my mum pounced on me started strangling me, my aunt stoped her but beat me up I ran as fast as my feet could carry me &left the house.Iwas told not to comeback until im straight and they will try to forgivr mysins. I Went to some church friend she tried to turn me as well but she loaned me money I went back to the program to hide out. That evening I saw videos&images of my funeral on snapchat, instagram, everywhere. All the people I strived to live for attended to celebrate my death, I was dead to them. Ihad heard about a drug dealer in the area, I lived off drugs the rest of the days or ate myself silly
    My program cordinators later confronted me about how I gave up on work they assumed because the lesbian girl I was close to had quit the program so I had no one to talk to.they warned me to get off drugs. I decided to get my shit together. ..I went off drugs took abit of weed.....I resolved to eat right if I decided to die I would be the most beautiful corpse afterall to them I was wasted beauty. I decided to live....this may not sound the fairytale ending where alls well but to me its all too sweet.(sounds legit insane right.) Im out im proud of myself for standing up for me.
    My program ends soon I dont know what next all I know ill be happy& free doing it.
    (Theres loads of bits left out Iwas trying to be brief)
    But ive learned you only live once, the right time to come out is never designated. Take anytime make it right. Like Now, or else u will wake up and realize uve wasted 22years you cant get back.

    Ive many worries:, getting arrested when I finish the program, im probably not finishing uni. Since my mum cut me off, ive no friends, no one will give me ajob, I have no where to start from, ill prolly end my life too, everyone hates me but I love me. Im free. Im alive atleast for now.

    Thanks for reading my story I wanted if I were to die, atleast my story is heard.

    Coming out is for you not anyone else.

    And for friends, family of people that maynot be how you wish them to be straight or nah, fat/small, rich/poor; all i say is >>>>>live &let live.♥

    P.s have a good playlist as u come out I listened to katy perry- firework&roar ....idk how many times:slight_smile: oh &k.flay♥♡♥
     
  2. GoodVibes117

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Midwest
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Out Status:
    Some people
    You are so brave and strong <3 I hope you live a long and happy life as your truest self.
     
  3. RGEm

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Reading this helps remind me that there really are amazingly brave people in this world. I hope that life does carry on for you though, and that you get to enjoy life as much as possible while being yourself. Is there not a way you could immigrate to another country though? So you can be safe and can be employed and have human rights etc?
    Best of luck!! :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 26th Jul 2016 at 03:13 PM ----------

    Also if you ever need someone to talk to, you can just write on my wall/profile and I would reply within a few days :slight_smile:
     
  4. Straight ally

    Full Member

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    Ii dont know if you will listen to me or us, but i will try. Dont die, keep going against all odds, go to another country even if it takes lots of will power and hardship, even if you have to be poor. You might not have money, you might not have finished university but you are not like most people who where born moneyless, you have an education. You can go somewhere else and use all your knowledge and life experiences to create value. Start from zero and decide to grow, you might not have money or family, but know you are free unlike the past, and you can make money and you can create your own family of friends you make along the way and hopefully one day you will find someone to be with.

    None of this is your fault, you love your family but what they have done to you is wrong, you deserve better. Demostrate to the world you have value as an human,you have the potential of becoming an example to other girls like you, you can make a positive differenc ein the world.

    Go girl! Fight!
     
  5. YuriBunny

    Full Member

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    I'm an introvert; I live in my head.
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    What a sad story. :frowning2:

    I totally admire you for getting through this. (*hug*) You are amazing!
     
  6. mvp 447

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Tampa Bay, FL
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    To go what you've gone through just to be true to yourself, well, it made me tear up. You are my hero, seriously. Would you be interested in coming to the states? If you wanted to come America, it is not impossible. If Homosexuality is a crime punishable by death in your home country, it would maybe help move you up on a visa/etc list a lot.
     
    #6 mvp 447, Aug 9, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2016