Coming out to my mom

I'm an upper level student at a Midwestern college. Earlier this year I started by coming out to a close friend, and then a few more over the last few months; all were accepting and friendly. One of those friends is also gay, and we having dating for several weeks now. He is an awesome guy, very supportive, shares similar interests to me, is respectful and courteous, and I love being with him.

I have always been close to my parents and openly shared everything with them, except the fact that I have been attracted to men. I didn't really care about saying anything in the past, and wanted to give myself space to figure it out over the past few years. As I began to become comfortable with the fact about a year ago, I felt a shift. Before I was just sexually interested in guys, but watching my friends going on dates, I wanted to have that experience too. I wanted to be able to hold hands, go out together, etc. To make a long story short, I met my future boyfriend at the beginning of the year, and slowly I came out to him, and he became a wonderfully supportive confidant and stronger friend. After some awkward beating around the bush, we both recognized we liked each other and started dating. Over the past month I have felt some of the happiest, warmest feelings I've felt in a long time being with him. It's like a whole new world was opening up where I could finally be free.

Another note is I live close enough to campus that I still live at home to save money on my college costs. Because I had been keeping my dating and visiting LGBTQ related events a secret, I was coming up with various reasons why I was gone from home. My parents are not controlling and don't really care, but it felt wrong not being honest. I wanted to tell them several times, but as usual, my throat was squeezed shut until last night. I attempted to tell me mom earlier in the day, but couldn't get the words out, and instead I ended up getting in a fight over something silly. Last night when I got home, I was very tired from long hours at school, my job, and the emotions of the last few weeks. We went on a walk and I gently introduced the topic by talking about my boyfriend (who she thought was just a friend) and that he was involved in LGBTQ. She said it was awesome that he was out and wanted to know more. As expected, the subject turned to my dating. And as usual, I let the opportunity slip by for the moment by mumbling some nonsense. When we got back to the house, I was exhausted but tired of waiting. So I went to her room, and sat down next to her. She knew something was up from our walk, and asked if there was anything I wanted to tell her.

I told her that I was mainly attracted to men (at least I haven't thought about women in years, have only looked at guys and only felt a true connection with men, but didn't want to close the door in case), and told her about my boyfriend. She was calm and asked if I was sure. I replied that I was pretty confident. She asked again how I could know if I had never dated a girl. I repeated that I never felt a connection to women like I do guys. She asked more about my boyfriend, and how we met, and then launched into her concerns. She said I should be highly cautious about displaying my relationship in public and that it could affect my career. I countered that the world was changing rapidly, I've found as a whole people to be accepting, and that my industry's companies were particularly supportive to LGBTQ. She reemphasized the dangers again, and talked about making people feel uncomfortable, saying she didn't want me to get beaten up. She also told me to be careful, mentioned AIDS, and said to take my time figuring it out. I was thinking in my head that I've only been contemplating this for YEARS.

She said to not let the trait define me, or become overly vocal about it. She then asked if I wanted her to tell my dad and brother, which I said to please not. I had enough emotional roller coasters for one week, and wanted to take a pause. She pushed and said she didn't want to keep secrets from my dad, questioned how he would take it, but I again requested she delay. She reemphasized that she loved me and would always be there to talk if needed.

Walking away from the conversation, I felt happy that she was supportive, yet somewhat frustrated by her pessimism and her desire for me to keep it quiet. I am not the person that would ever go around with a pride flag waving from my car or telling everyone from the moment I meet them, but I do not want to be someone who cannot openly discuss it in conversation with friends when the topic is appropriate. Also, while I have held hands in public with my boyfriend for brief periods and am still hesitant because I'm not completely out, I did not like her saying I shouldn't do it because I could be physically hurt. I want to be able to be me and share my love with my boyfriend just as any straight couple can.

If you made it through my rambling this far, I appreciate it. I am torn if I came out too soon or at a poor time (when I was utterly exhausted), but there is no going back now. I just couldn't handle the feeling boiling inside me anymore of them not knowing, and had to get it out. Any thoughts, advice, or feedback would be appreciated, especially related to telling my dad or brother.

Best regards,
SkyFlyer

 

Quantumreality, thank you very much for your support, kind words, and thoughtful advice to multiple of my questions. I will give my mom time to let it sink-in, and consider how to best approach my dad and brother, whom I'm sure will ultimately be supportive as well. I'm sure you are right that my mom just wants me to be safe, and is interpreting what she knows and trying to help me. I'll come back in a while and let you know how things progress. Thank you again - SkyFlyer