Let me begin with saying that without this site, I don't think I would've had the courage to do this, so I thank you all that have shared similar stories and reassuring that I wasn't alone in this process. Two days ago I came out to my girlfriend in the most unplanned way; it literally just came out without even thinking. We've been together for 10 years and have a 1 year old girl that is my life. I've always hid my sexuality due to family and society, and I never had the courage to do so. Two days ago, during dinner we had a conversation about where our lives will be in the future which is when I blurred out "I think I'm gay". She quickly grabbed my hand and said she kind of had an idea for a while now and assured me that everything would be okay. She was very supportive. She expressed that she felt piece of mind that it was that I'm gay and not cheating on her. She was and still is very broken hearted. I explained although I've never been intimate with another guy, I knew exactly what I was; gay. That night we hugged and cried together in bed. The next day I felt as if I had made the largest mistake of my life. I love her so much that it kills me to see her so broken. I've mentioned support groups and other alternatives to help ease the situation through talking with someone. I even offered to come out to a friend of ours in order for her to have an outlet. All offers she refused. She mentioned she didn't want me to make any drastic measures like moving out until after the holidays. Since two days ago, she hasnt mentioned or asked anything, its almost as if shes ignoring what happened. I haven't told anyone else and I don't know what my next step should be. Although I feel a weight off my shoulders for admitting my truth, I feel so lost. I don't know who to tell next and within what time frame. I feel ashamed, embarrassed and most of all guilty. I don't want to lose my friendship I have with her nor do I want her to ever feel any animosity towards me. I feel so terrible. PLEASE HELP! Love You Guys!
Hey, TheRightThing! First, congratulations on Coming Out! That was a courageous thing to do, even if it was unplanned. And I'm very glad that your gf's initial reaction was positive! Second, your gf is probably still processing what you told her and trying to come to grips with the implications. It's great that she accepts you for who you are, but now she's probably trying to understand how that actually impacts her life, as well. You might want to consider giving her some time, but letting her know that when she is ready, you are willing to sit down and discuss everything - that you are still there for her as the close friend that you are and always want to be in the future. The key is open communication between the two of you, but right now, based in what you wrote, it sounds like she still needs some time to come to grips on the situation on her own, so don’t press her, just make sure she knows you are there to support her. Third, about your guilt and embarrassed and ashamed feelings. You seem to be going through the grieving process, which is completely natural. In this case, you seem to be grieving over the loss of your heterosexual relationship. But are you also completely accepting of your homosexuality? (There is a difference between intellectually understanding that you are homosexual and actually accepting it, internally.) Could you be undergoing the grieving process about that, too? There are 5 steps to the grieving process. First comes Denial: in this case, maybe you’re thinking something like “no, I’m not gay and my relationship with my girlfriend is not over – I can’t hurt her like this.” Next comes Anger: “I hate this and I hate myself! Why can’t I just be ‘normal’ like most other people? Why can’t I just have a ‘normal’ life with my girlfriend and my daughter? Why ME!?!” Then comes Bargaining: “So, maybe I’m gay, but then again maybe I’m bisexual. Or heterosexual. But, no I’m certain I’m gay. Or am I…? But maybe I can just stay in my current relationship with my girlfriend, after all I love her and she loves me…But I don’t really love her ‘like that’ and it’s not fair to her… Maybe I could just keep pretending…But that wouldn’t really work…Would it?” After that comes Depression (“I want to be ‘normal.’ I wish I was heterosexual and had a normal relationship with my girlfriend. This sucks and I don’t think I could ever really live life as a homosexual. I know I don’t want to lose the deep friendship I have with my girlfriend. I know I can’t face my parents. I don’t even want to face society. I’m just going to hide somewhere until it goes away. Why did I have to be the victim of this cruel joke?” Until, finally, there is Acceptance: “Hmm… Maybe this isn’t as bad as I thought. Maybe I can accept my homosexuality, my same-sex attractions. I’m sure this is going to be better for both my girlfriend and myself. We can both move on and live our lives. And you, know what? My sexuality is just a part of who I am, but it doesn’t define who I am. My girlfriend accepts that and there isn’t any reason she shouldn’t still want to be friends with me as the person she has come to trust and value over the last ten years. I am going to be the person I was born to be and I will do amazing things with my life, while still being close friends with my girlfriend and a wonderful father to my daughter!” The steps don’t always occur for any given person in that order and people sometimes go back and forth among the steps. I hope some of this helps. You are NOT alone! Take Care. Stay strong and proud!
Hey QuantumReality! Thank you so much for your words of advice. Seems as if you hit every nail on the head. I can't begin to tell you how much more at ease I feel knowing this is all part of the process. It's very difficult but something I knew needed to be done. I can't thank you enough for the help. Thanks buddy!!
Hey, TheRightThing! I'm glad you found it useful. I know it's always good to know that others truly understand what you're going through, but at the end of the day it is still YOU that has to go through it. IF things gets bad or you think you are spiraling around the grieving process, but not really making progress towards acceptance, don't hesitate to get some counseling. And... if for some reason your gf gets into a funk as well, you may want to consider couple's counseling - even though I know you said she already told you she didn't want to get outside help. But she may change her mind after everything sinks in and if she really starts to just get depressed about the situation instead of accepting it and moving forward. Just some thoughts. Best of Luck!
What gets me is that you said you "think" you're gay. Are you positive that you're gay and you just said "you think", or are you bicurious? Sexuality is a spectrum, you could also be homoflexible or heteroflexible (gay or straight but can be interested in the right people). I think you need to ask yourself (if you haven't) how you feel about the relationship. Do you love her and cherish her or have the feelings gone away? To me, if you are both happy and love each other, that's all a relationship needs. I think it's important that you be honest with yourself and your partner through this situation. If she truly loves you, she'll be there for you after the separation (especially since you have a baby together). Good luck to you!
Geek, As mentioned along in my story, it was unplanned and it's what cane out of my mouth unintentionally. I know 100% I'm gay. Not bisexual or homoflexible. This was the most difficult thing to have to admit and that's the way it came out. She asked if I was bi or gay, in which I replied, gay. I'm not confused about my sexuality at all. Just having to admit that I myself couldn't continue lying to myself nor my gf, and had to face the facts and the reality of the situation
