My Story

So, I would first say signs of my sexuality began showing up at a young age. As a kid, I hated the ideas of conformity. I didn’t want to be like every other little girl, playing dress or talking about horses and becoming princesses. I loved reading, especially Harry Potter, and was a bit of a tomboy. I had “crushes” on a boy or two in elementary school for a span of maybe a day, even had a “boyfriend” in preschool (I lied and told everyone in our preschool we french kissed under the slide) Overall though, boys didn’t interest me like the other girls. As young as 7, I told everyone I was going to marry Harry Potter, but only because I expected that I would grow up, get married, and have kids in the traditional sense. I tried to do boyish things, I became obsessed with the Civil War and going to battle. I was a “tomboy.”

In middle school, as everyone was "pairing up”, I found a boy named Barry to have a crush on. I didn’t understand what a crush was, but I knew I was supposed to keep up with my peers, and on the first day of school after he helped me open my locker, I decided he would be mine. We became good friends, racing each other back to homeroom from our orchestra class every afternoon in what I thought was flirting. Instead after a couple months it became clear we would be nothing but good friends, and while just about everyone in middle school was having relationship after relationship, I remained alone, desperate to keep up with my peers.

In 8th grade, I met a girl named Daniella. I was a bit of a loner, and was surprised to see someone take interest in me. We became fast friends, I found her fascinating. I spent as much time as I could with her listening to her talk about boys that had hurt her, wanting desperately to make it better and trying to give her advice. Towards the end of 8th grade at the height of our friendships, she auditioned to be on color guard at our high school the next year and got in. I was slightly upset, but still certain we would continue spending every waking moment together. That first semester of high school, she became so busy going to practices that I hardly ever saw her. I texted her constantly, tried my best to hang out with her whenever I could, and as a result creeped her out and ended the friendship. She called me a “weird little freak” and a “stalker.” I thought I had something wrong with me, that i’d forgotten how to be a civil human being, didn’t understand why I felt like I always needed to be around her. The friendship quickly fizzled out, and to this day a part of me still believes it’s because I actually am a “freak” and not possible actual feelings for a girl.

As my friendship/possible feelings for Daniella began to fade, a new girl began to emerge. It was the first day of High School, my freshman year. I ran sprinting 5 minutes late into my 3rd period Biology class, out of breath with my purple over the shoulder book bag in tow. The teacher complimented my outfit and told me to take a seat anywhere. On the 2nd desk on the middle row sat a girl I knew from my middle school orchestra class, named Emily. She had short, light brown hair, and these gorgeous, golden brown eyes, she looked beautiful. Asking if I could sit by her, I took a seat and she smiled as she gave me an extra pencil. Over those first few months, a friendship began to bloom out of that one fateful decision. It started with a phone call one afternoon about a class assignment, then turned into frequent hangouts and Skype sessions. She told me about how she was Catholic, and while i’m Protestant, I accompanied her to church, began spending all my time with her. We’d talk about her boy obsessions, the conversations similar to Daniella’s in that they were mostly one-sided. She met one boy at a church camp from Alabama who we Skyped with nearly every time we hung out. I began to feel jealous of this boy for taking up so much of her time. I wanted to be that person for her.


Throughout high school, we were inseparable. She was there for me at the beginning of high school when I had fallen into a dark depression. She'd call me up to check on me or to Skype one of the many boys that had caught her attention, and we'd have a lot of fun together laughing over dumb things we'd seen. She would tell me about all her guy troubles, and even though I felt no affection towards any boys at the time, I was a shoulder for her to lean on. She was my world, and I'd do anything for her. Not to say we didn't fight, we did, particularly when she would meet a new guy or make a new friend and my jealously would get the best of me. Still, I thought I just had attachment issues. If I didn't justify my feelings with excuses, then I'd have to face the very real reality that I might be falling for my friend. After all, she and I were the best of friends, so I had a right to be jealous if I felt like that was being threatened, right?

In 10th grade, I began to question everything, my religion, my political beliefs, and most importantly, my sexuality. I began liking this one boy that was a mutual friend, Matt. My affections for him were genuine and valid, which is why for a long time I thought I was bisexual. He had bright green eyes, dark hair, and a great sense of humor. I am a book romantic, and I thought he was my fairytale ending. You see, fairytales don't include falling for your same gender best friend, especially when you live in Georgia and you're both religious. Any feelings I had for Emily I tried to shut out so I could focus on Matt. For a time, I thought it had worked. Those weird feelings I would get whenever I saw her seemed to go away, and I became more religious and started going to her church with her. That year, we spent most of our time talking about boys and hanging out at the Catholic Church, and I was sure I'd gotten rid of any lingering feelings I had for her. I compensated by going so far as to make fun of the LGBT community to prove I could make myself straight.

In 11th grade, our friendship only deepened. I continued going to the Catholic Church with her, at the time thinking it was my only salvation for these feelings couldn't completely shake. However, I still had this lingering feeling like I was keeping a secret about what Emily really meant to me. My feelings for Matt began to crumble, and he started talking to other girls, and I began losing interest as my feelings for Emily grew. Once I got my license, I spent nearly every day with her. Having dinner at her house 2-3 times a week became the norm. As we grew older, our conversations became more serious, and I really got to know her better. We'd take long walks around her neighborhood, ride around town for food and to go on adventures, or we'd lay in her bed and cuddle while watching things on her laptop. I spent less time wanting to be Catholic, and more time going with her to church just to be with her. It got to a point where I literally woke up one day and said aloud to myself "I like Emily." But again, expressing those feelings was a step I'd never dare to take. She was my best friend, and a deeply religious, boy-crazy one at that. It didn't matter that I had finally admitted it to myself, because I knew pining away for someone who could never return my love would be useless, and telling her the truth would destroy everything.

Senior year was Emily's own personal nightmare. Only a month into the school year, her dad became sick, and he passed away by the end of December. Having lost her mother years earlier, she and her special needs brother were forced to live with her extremely strict aunt. Her aunt took away her freedoms she had once enjoyed, made her stop spending all her time at church, took away her happiness, took away me. Emily became distant after that, her family situation broke something in her, and the happy girl I had once known was gone. Our friendship remained, despite everything, and I did everything I could for her, but she withdrew and began to keep to herself more. Depressed and heartbroken, I decided to back away a little. I stopped going to church with her, I let her do her own thing. I became friends with a girl named Sarah, who was extremely liberal and open minded, and helped me to start thinking more for myself. Still closeted and forced by Emily's aunt to stay away from her, I spent most of the year hanging out with Sarah and focusing on graduating and college plans. I went with Sarah to our senior prom to be ironic, but there were never any feelings there. Emily showed up at prom with a boy, but she didn't seem too enthusiastic. I greeted her, and she said "look, don't be upset, but you're not going to like this.." Not sure of what she meant, I saw the rest of her prom group arrive. There, in the thick of her group, was Matt. Both of my high school crushes came to prom in the same group, and she thought I'd be upset that he was there alone. To be honest, that didn't bother me as much as what happened later that night. During the dance, I was sitting at a table with Sarah, and I looked over only to find Emily and Matt dancing together. When I saw them dancing though, instead of being upset about Matt, what really broke my heart was to see Emily with somebody else, and that's when it truly hit me how much she meant to me.

We remained friends after that night, but I had made the resolution to just be friends with Emily and not further cause her pain in her already stressful life. In college, she went to a private Catholic school up north, and I went to the state school back home. I joined a sorority and became more independent and free thinking, but I think about her all the time. Now, we're both juniors in college. We see each other maybe once or twice a year, and each time I see her I still get butterflies. I'm only out to my college friends, nobody else knows, especially not her. I've been with guys and had a sexual relationship with a couple, but none of those flings have ever compared to Emily. The older I get the less interested I am in boys, to a point where I find kissing one absolutely disgusting. I'm more fluid, and I'm still figuring it all out, and the only thing I know is that I've been in love with Emily since that first day of bio class our freshman year. About 6 months ago, I had my first sexual relationship with a boy, and I realized it wasn't for me. I think I am a lesbian, but i'm so afraid to fully commit to using the term "lesbian." What if i'm wrong? What if even at age 20 i'm too young to truly know? i'm so afraid to admit it and come out, because even though i'm 90% sure, that 10% that still wonders is keeping me from possibly amazing experiences i'm missing out on, which is why i'm in this forum, to reassure myself.