starting the coming out process

(This is longer than I thought it would be, if you read it all you're a gem and I love you)

Every year for about 6/7 years I've always promised myself that 'this will be the year I come out and start living freely', but every year passed and I just couldn't muster the courage. I have anxiety, and so in my mind my coming out would be met with wrinkled noses and people distancing themselves from me, and me feeling like I've ruined all my friendships, and I was too scared to risk it. Being closeted it where some of my anxiety stems from, not being honest, wanting to be open, and knowing I'll never have the same chance of a happy relationship unless someone knew I was gay in the first place. It was lonely.

The start of this year one of the girls in work was relentlessly going on about how I need to get out (haaa) and get a boyfriend (I said I didn't want one) or that I need a rich husband (nope, don't want that either) and then very crudely said maybe I just need to get laid then (well... just not with a guy). I give one of my friends a lift home (I've known her well since about 2001), and on the way to hers I was seething with anger, and she couldn't understand what angered me so much, and so I said it's a girlfriend I want, not a boyfriend, and it pains me (physically and mentally) that I can't say. She was surprised but it wasn't the big drama I'd made out in my head. Nothing changed between us. I felt lighter, and giddy, and massively relieved that someone in real life knew this part of me. And so that was how I came out the first time.

The second person I came out to was sort of along the same lines. She was saying how we need husbands/boyfriends etc etc and so, feeling the same massive well of sadness in my chest that I wasn't being honest and she didn't know what I wanted, I bit the bullet and told her. Telling someone with no fury behind it was terrifying, I didn't have the same angry confidence, I felt very exposed. But she didn't care, she only worried that I'd carried this for so long and not felt able to talk about it. Together with her and the first friend, I realised that I can't live to my full potential if I keep it hidden, and that my sexuality is only a small part of me.

So I decided to tell my best friend. I've known her 25 years, so this wouldn't be easy. I was terrified she would change towards me, that she wouldn't want to know me, would be worried I fancied her, all unreasonable thoughts. Telling her wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Sure, I was nervous, but because I'd already told two others and had been talking about it, it felt easy. And I was SO RELIEVED, I cried a little bit, it felt like a pressure was taken from my chest, I was HAPPY. She wasn't disappointed in me as I thought she would be, she felt bad that I couldn't talk to her, but it was my anxiety that made me believe the worst outcomes. She was full of questions, and it was so freeing being able to talk openly about it.

I feel that now I can start moving forward in life. I've felt in such a stagnant place, and seeing friends happy in their relationships made it worse. I knew that unless I was honest that I couldn't have that, but it's easier said than done. If I can share anything of my experience it's this:

If you feel you can't tell a best friend/family member, tell someone else you can trust first, it doesn't have to be a close friend, but someone you know will keep your confidence. Talking about it openly the first time is such a relieving thing, and it gets easier to talk about.

I could never figure out how to start the conversation, so I began with 'I have to tell you something, but you have to keep it to yourself'. It meant that they knew this was difficult for me, that they were being trusted with it, and if I struggled to come out with it they would draw it out of me, because when someone says something like that to you, you need to know what it is.

Anyway, I've rambled long enough, thanks!

 

Thank you! Oooooh my days it's been nerve wracking, especially when I feared the worst outcomes, but now I know it's not as bad as my mind makes it out to be! It's been a long process for me in realising and coming to terms with it and accepting it, so now it feels great to actually let other people in. It's like... just a feeling of peace, that I'm not the only one holding onto it now. But yes, the more I talk about it with them the easier I find the words come to my mouth and the more natural it becomes talking about it with people in real life. Soon I'll tell my sister, she's my first family stepping stone.