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Outed...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by TeeBe, Jun 27, 2007.

  1. TeeBe

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    My mom outed me :bang: . I had finally, FINALLY decided not to tell her: she has enough to deal with at the moment.

    My dad left us to rot in November

    We had to find a place to live

    We can barely afford food

    My sister suffers from severe depression. She was sent to a psych ward, where they released her a little over a week later (we only have a short-term facillity here). Less than a week later, she tried to kill herself, and is back (she is still there...)

    My mom is completely lost and depressed. Even though my mom is very pro-gay, I didn't want to burden her with this at the moment. She feels like there is no reason for her to live. Any talk of me not having children and giving her granskids sets her off the edge.

    Then it happened. I was reading the paper in the morning. There was an article on the Toronto pride parade. I don't remember what the conversation was. Then she asked me (I think she was kidding, like she usually does...) "Are you gay and you just haven't told me?"

    Now, I had made a promise to myself: I would stop lying to myself and everyone else. It wasn't fair to anyone...clearly I hadn't thought that through. So I was silent...

    And she asked again. I was still silent...and she came to her own conclusion...

    "Oh God...Tianna"

    She procceded to try to convince me that I was straight, that being bi (as I told her) I had a choice and could just date men, that she wanted grandkids, how did I know if I have never been with a man or a woman...Later continuing on the "I feel so alone, both you and your sister are gone to me..." Etc etc.

    I am alone enough. I don't need this. I am still the same person that I was before she asked me. In the matter of a moment, I ruined my mother's life.
     
  2. Jim1454

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    It sounds like your mom had a number of things that she was dealing with. I would say your sexual orientation is the least of her worries right now - so - YOU DID NOT RUIN YOUR MOTHER'S LIFE!!!!!

    I can appreciate how you wanted to keep it from her for another little while - sounds like you're all having a really rough time, and why complicate it further... However, she asked! I think that showed remarkable courage and conviction to tell her the truth.

    (I keep telling myself that if my parents push again as to why my wife and I separate, I'm just going to tell them the truth - but when the time comes it may be a totally different story.)

    Is there anything I can do for you? Not sure I remember where you live, but I'm kind of local... I don't know what that would be exactly, but I'd like to help if I could. Let me know.

    I hope your sister continues to get the help that she needs, and your mom can find strength somewhere to carry on. It wasn't fair, what she said, but I think given the stress she's under, you have to cut her some slack.

    PM me if you want to chat more. Jim (*hug*)
     
  3. TeeBe

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    (*hug*) Thank you. Sorry for the rant, I had to get that off my chest. And I was suffering EC withdrawl, because my computer died :dry: . Bad timing.

    And Waterloo! Kind of local :lol:

    Hey, did you go to the parade? (so off topic :rolleyes: )

    And as for telling your parents...I had played it over in my head too (The whole telling her the truth when she asked) and it still didn't help. There was no rush in her finding out, but I guess I owed it to her. I am sure that when the time is right, you will actually me able to tell them. I still have no intention of telling the rest of my family...
     
  4. Jim1454

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    OK - Waterloo. My evil mother in law lives there :badgrin: - but I won't hold that against you! :icon_wink

    I didn't go to the parade... I had my daughters this weekend, so I took them to my parents' cottage for the weekend. If I hadn't had them, I might have gone... but I'm not really a 'big crowd' kind of person, and apparently it was REALLY hot on Sunday downtown.

    One of these years I guess I'll get down there so see what it's all about.

    Again, take care. I hope your family situation levels out a bit soon... (*hug*)
     
  5. 24601

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    I don't think you ruined your mother's life. My mom (while not in your situation), reacted the same way, and I'd bet almost everyone's parents did initially. It's one of the stages of parent denial.

    Like Jim said, it's really probably one of her least pressing concerns. While at the time it might have seemed severe, it was more than likely just a thing of the moment. If she is pro-gay, she'll come around soon enough, and life will only get better from there.

    Hopefully things get better for you soon.

    <3

    Ryan
     
  6. joeyconnick

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    I'm sorry it all went down that way... sounds very unpleasant. However, as everyone else said, you didn't ruin your mum's life. If anyone, including her, tells you you did, that's bullshit.

    Frankly I do NOT understand why it seems like so many people's be-all and end-all is to see their children have children! It's so... stupid! I would just want my children to be happy... I hate how that whole "grandchildren" thing is played up like it's the best. thing. EVAR! The whole notion that we're only of use if we reproduce is so... backwards. I mean, it's like what are we? Cavepeople? It's not like the human race NEEDS any more people at this point in time... so can't the breeders get over it? It's so frustrating that it's so romanticised! Especially for women! It's so SEXIST! AHHHH!!!

    It's just built on this assumption that everyone has the same needs and desires and it's so overly simplistic and stupid and... okay, I'll be quiet now. But GRRRRR!
     
  7. wtinal

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    It is amazing to me how so much can seemingly change in a moment. My friend reacted poorly to me telling her I think I am gay. I couldn't (can't) understand how me being gay somehow changes my character or something. Like, all of a sudden, just because I am gay, I have somehow suddenly lost all my morals and stuff. I don't get it. I guess it is just reaction and naivete. People keep telling me to give my friends time to adjust. So, I offer the same advice - give her time. I am still waiting for the "adjustment", so I can wait with you if you'd like. It is so hard to wait.:tears:
     
  8. TeeBe

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    Awww! I love you guys...thanks (*hug*) (&&&)
     
  9. CrimsonThunder

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    Your mum seemed to be worried about never having grandkids, if she says that again say its still possible just you'll get it through other means. :wink:
     
  10. CelebrityHead

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    Woah, you sure have been through a lot! Just please keep your spirits high and continue to be strong because I really do think you can overcome these obstacles.
    I really do hope that your relationship with your mother gets better aswell.
    A parent's support is invaluable.
    (*hug*)
     
  11. Corey

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    Tianna you are still going to have my children, right?
    one boy, one girl?
    yeah... my dad pulled the "I was looking forward to having grandchildren" card.... hahaha... and my mom asked if i was sure... and then asked "how do u know u like men?"... hahaha all i said was "how do u know u like men?"... she said, she was attracted to men... and i said "no kidding, so am i"... i think that was the hardest thing i have ever done... and to anyone that has ever done it... KUDOS...
    Those that are planning to; ur parents love you no matter who? and what u r?... i thought my dad was seriously going to kick me out of the house... but instead he said that he loved me, and that it would be hard for him to get used to, but he was going to try...
    Telling my parents has been the victory point in my life!
     
  12. Moth

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    Tell your mom it's not over - you can still have kids! There seems to be this big illusion that gay people can't have kids, which is so untrue.

    On a more serious note, stay strong. At least your mom is pro-gay, she'll probably come around. A lot of gay people have homophobic parents, and it's generally a lot harder to get acceptance from them.

    Also, try to convince your mom you're still you. If there's something you two like doing together - going out for coffee, watching a certain movie, baking cookies, or whatever, try doing that with her and show her that you haven't changed. Simple things can go a long way.
     
  13. TeeBe

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    Sigh...yeeeaaahhhh...something like that. I assumed, like with all things, this would blow over and she'd just get used to it. Kinda seems I was wrong...

    "If life got any shittier, I'd be dead..." Kinda says it all.

    But Corey, of course I will still have your children! And the "well, how did YOU know?? really DOES work, eh? But I did say you could stay here if you needed to...
     
  14. Jim1454

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    Sorry to hear things aren't getting better. Sounds like you've had a bit of fun lately with the coming out story you told. And sounds like you've recruited a new friend to EC as well. Welcome to Corey!

    You can always come to Newmarket! (The fact that I have a lot of painting to do has nothing to do with this invitation. How are you at painting though...?) :icon_wink
     
  15. TeeBe

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    Walls and canvas! I have plenty to do here too, shall we have a painting party?? :grin:
     
  16. jroakwood

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    personally, at this point, im wishing/hoping my mom would ask me if i was gay.
    i can remember she did when i was younger, but of course i said i wasnt.
    ive been giving off more clues than usual lately too. heh.
    i wanna say it. but it would almost be easier if she asked.

    but, TeeBe, good luck, and i hope things get better for you soon.
    bad things cant last too terribly long before things have to start going right. :slight_smile:

    best wishes.
     
  17. I do the same thing. Im just kind of hoping she asks me lol. TeeBe I do hope things look up for you. The only place you can go is up:thumbsup:
     
  18. Jim1454

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    Could be fun!

    (Although, I find painting to be somewhat theraputic... I like the alone time, with music going, as it lets me sort of escape.)

    But seriously - if there is anything I could possibly do to help you out, let me know. And if you're ever in the neighbourhood, drop in to say hello! :smilewave
     
  19. GuitarGirl1350

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    They like to pull the grandkids card. Those of you who were here last year might have read about it being a major obstacle in my life, and if you ever need someone to talk to TeeBee just PM or IM me =]
     
  20. TeeBe

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    Thank you all!

    The weirdest thing happened! My mom started talking to me (still no eye contact, but I guess its a start...), only...She seems to be pretending to herself that I am straight?!? Things like "By then you will be a grandparent", "Oh! was he good to look at?" and "wow, is he ever hot" etc. etc.

    Now I am even MORE confused.