I did the thing- I came out to my straight crush

So I had been in a relationship with a guy for 5 years, he was a great guy but I was unhappy for a lot of it. Had one particular friend who helped me through working up the courage to break up with him, she was my rock throughout all of it. Soon after the break up, like an almighty rainbow freight train, I realised I had very strong feelings for her. Looking back, I had my suspicions that to some capacity, she felt the same. She was always affectionate toward me when we were together, a lot of deliberate leg touching and arm holding. We always caught up 1 on 1, and our Goodbyes hugs lasted longer each time. My gosh, being around her made me so damn happy! She only ever casually dated guys, nothing serious ever came from it.

Initially I came out to a few friends who were so supportive and I told them about her. "What should I do?" "I think she might feel the same way, should I tell her?" The more I analysed the situation, the more my heart swelled. Holy shit, she might actually be into me! Pieces of the puzzle started coming together. I felt like I was going to burst from happiness. I tried to remain pragmatic, what if she doesn't feel the same way? I needed to do this in a level headed way. I arranged to spend a couple of days in her hometown and slowly trickle the news then. Wow, this is really happening! So I did it! I told her that the idea of spending my life with a man seemed so uncomfortable and felt like I'd be living a lie. I want to date woman. I am gay and am so happy! That felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest. For the first time in my life, I truly exhaled. I was eager yet terrified to see her reaction. I wasn't going to tell her about my feelings for her until she had time to absorb the news.

"Yeah cool, I've had heaps of people come out to me."Oh....She was seemed a little dismissive of the news but still supported me. Asked the appropriate questions, then headed to bed. It felt like a bit of a fizzle. The next morning, things felt different, forced, cold, something had changed between us. That day, I hinted that she was the crush I had mentioned earlier. It was never directly said, which I still regret. The conversation moved on. At lunch, I found our legs touching again under the table. It was a comforting familiar feeling until she realised they were touching, and recoiled her leg away. I felt ashamed, and confused. There was no invite to share one of the 2 couches in her apartment that night, no arm holding, nothing more than superficial conversation. My heart sank. As I left the next day, it was somehow agreed that we lived too far away to warrant frequent catch ups anymore. The goodbye hug was more of a tap on the back. I didn't hear from her for nearly 2 months after that, the longest in our 7 year friendship.

I tried to text her recently but the conversation soon dried up. I was always making the first move in contacting her, keeping alive the friendship. But, there was no friendship, and I had my heart broken. Did my feelings make her uncomfortable? Do I now come across as creepy? Was she simply over-affectionate toward me? Was that more acceptable when we were both straight? Did I make her confront something was wasn't ready to confront? Or was I holding onto a crush without realizing I had a dying friendship?

Friends say it took a hell of a lot of courage to do what I did. I just reached a point where I felt the only way forward was to tell her, regardless of the outcome. But I hate the outcome, I don't regret it, but it hurt and I lost a friend. Looking back, I don't think she cared about me the way I did about her, but there will always be an ignorant hope that I was wrong. And maybe the abrupt ending to our friendship was a blessing in disguise. I've had friends say to give her time to sort out her potential feelings; others are mad at the way she acted. I am still undecided, and continue trying to figure out and justify what happened. But I need to move on, and perhaps writing this is my cathartic way of processing everything. I will always have a spot in my heart for her, but maybe the larger space was not hers to fill.

ella25

 

Thank you both very much for your words! I completely understand the actions of keeping your distance to protect your own heart, I am definitely doing this myself.

In terms of the physical behavior, that did very much confuse me and give me hope of potential feelings but if I'm going to be realistic and honest; I think I was dealing with this new realization and our behavior exacerbated my feelings. Other friends of mine are affectionate from time to time but that does not mean they are flirting, nor does that make me attracted to them. In other words, because it was her, I over-analyzed everything. Whether I'm correct in my over-analyzing is something that I need to stop seeking the answers to because it is about 90% leaning toward her being very much straight. But that pesky 10% is what drives those of us in the situation crazy.

I'm happy to give her space. I've done what I can to keep the lines of communication open. I hope to be able to update this post once I've had a frank and open discussion with her and allocate answers to that last 10% but this can't be forced onto her so I will wait for the opportune moment. In the mean time, I'm purely focusing on being accepting, happy, and loving of myself; and continuing along in my coming out process.