My Story and how I got to this point in my life

Words cannot explain how much this site means to me. I Just read someone's story on here, and it has encouraged me to do something similar. Well, here's my story with accepting that I'm gay and dealing with depression.

I began to realize that I was a little different around 7th grade. I don’t know what it was, but I just felt different. I began noticing boys more and more, and I somehow always found myself “staring” at the younger male teachers. This is when I began conflicting everything I have ever known because I grew up in a relatively conservative Christian family. We went to church almost every Sunday when we could. Growing up, I wasn’t perfect. I had my faith in God, yet I always sinned (cussing, etc.). For everyone that knows, and from what they hear, It’s a sin according to the bible to fall into the “gay lifestyle.” I hate to say it, but I grew up hating people who were gay. I always remember that if I saw someone gay in public, or someone that had that “gay feminine body language,” I just assumed that that person was going to hell. It’s just what I learned and I regret it so much. It’s just something that you look at as not being societally correct (at that time when I didn’t know any better). I should also mention that this is when I still found guys attractive. This is why I say I “began conflicting everything”; being gay and being Christian. Ever since coming to terms with being gay, I personally don’t think it’s a sin to be gay, because I know that God still loves me no matter what. In middle school, I had a hard time with friends. I was the fat kid who didn’t wear deodorant and smelt some days. This was a whole new experience, and it wasn’t until later in the year that I started wearing it. I was made fun of, but nothing too much. Of course it hurt, but didn’t affect me as much. Then as 8th grade came, I tried to fit into any friend group that I could. That group I found myself with was with a bully. He was about 6 foot 3 and super big (fat). He would pick on about anyone. There was this gay kid in particular that he made fun of almost every day. Me, trying to fit in, would laugh at the kid. He was called names daily, and those words included “fag.” I honestly can’t remember if I ever called him any slurs, but laughing was just as bad. I didn’t know what I was doing! I know it’s no excuse, and it’s something that I will regret for the rest of my life. I have since messaged him on face book and apologized. He never responded and I told him I completely understand. I just wished him the best and said I’m so happy with how far he had come by managing the bullies and harassing. To this day, I regret it so much. That’s not the type of person I am, yet I still did it. If I could go back in time, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Well as I got older and went into high school, I still felt a little different and the feelings for guys got stronger. At this age, guys are getting cuter and more “defined” lol. It was almost something that I couldn’t control. My freshman year, I played football and met some great friends. One of those people I met became my best friend for the next 3 or so years. We would hang out very little freshman year, and we eventually hung out all the time from sophomore year to the first half of senior year. This is when the feelings got stronger for the person (he was straight). I felt a connection that I’ve never experienced with anyone else. I was just falling for him. Well he eventually got his first girlfriend and everything was fine. I was super happy for him. However, as time went on, he was always with her rather than hanging out with his friends. I felt alone, almost as if he didn’t want to hang out with me anymore. Sometimes, he wouldn’t even hang out with me because he wanted to be with her. It was really hard because he was the only first true friend I have ever had, and I felt so alone. This is when the depression hit me really hard. We stopped being friends halfway through of senior year because I had told him that its best that we don’t hang out anymore. It was a toxic friendship that we had. That was definitely hard to do because I still had feelings for him, but I was destroying the friendship as he was a good person (now I realize that I was the problem). I couldn’t hurt him anymore. To this day, he has no idea, but I’m sure he maybe wonders if I am gay. We had no contact for almost a year, and then he messaged me on Facebook apologizing for everything that had happened. But the truth is, is that it was all me. I was the one destroying the friendship. It was just tough because I felt so alone, and yet I still had feelings for him.

Fast forward a couple years, and I was still having trouble accepting that I was gay, due to the fact that I’m a Christian and I was still depressed due to the issue with that friend. It took almost 3 years of not seeing him to finally realize that that was the cause of my depression. However, I always tried to repress the feelings for guys, but I always gave in to porn. How weird is it that I tried repressing my feelings of being gay, yet I still watched porn all the time? Please, someone tell me that I am not the only one like this? I felt like I watched porn maybe 2-3 times a week, and I have done so since around the time I got my first touch phone around freshman year. Again, as time went on, I always saw myself married to a beautiful woman, and having biological kids. Now, I just realize that this is what I wanted because of my faith and how society views marriage. I didn’t want to be “different.” But anyways, it wasn’t until a couple months ago when I finally accepted myself for me gay. I can fully see myself with a handsome husband and soon adopting beautiful children. I am incredibly happy with my sexuality, and I have come out to my older brother and two cousins. Telling my older brother was extremely difficult, and when I was stalling to say the words “I’m gay,” he told me that he already knew what I was going to say. He has been my biggest support through this since I told him a little over two months ago. He just recently got married and is on his honeymoon, but when he gets back he will help me come out to my parents. I am so forever grateful how supporting he has been to me.

Once I come out to my parents, I will be coming out on Facebook. That is the day that I’m looking forward to, because it’s tough hiding something like this for years.

Again, I love this site, and I really appreciate being a part of it. I felt so alone with these feelings I was having, and now I know I wasn’t the only one.