So I kinda feel like I'm on a rollercoaster, only one of the one's that looks really high but is kinda disappointing. If anyone's seen my other thread's you'll know that I came out for the first time last Friday to my two best buds, then again to my cousin online the day after. Both were very nerveracking at the time, but kinda blew over almost immediately. Now I'm kinda feeling a bit lost. I had my first counselling session today, it's a free service offered at my college and I decided it'd be a good idea to put my name down on the waiting list when I started taking anti-depressants, and it went ok. But I've been on a bit of a downer for the last day or so, more so since the session. I think the main thing that's getting me down is the uncertainty of the future. I guess deep down I kinda thought about coming out as being this one quick thing, when in actual fact it's a long process I guess. I got a few more people that I want to tell right away when they get back from easter vacation, but after that I kinda wanna leave it be for a while. I'm not ashamed, but I got a tough few weeks ahead of me at college with exams and coursework, and I don't wanna add to it. There are certain people, family members mostly, that I'm holding off of telling cus I want to find the right time, I don't want to rush it. And some of the time this plan seems perfect to me. But then I get moments where I feel like a copout, like I'm clinging onto the inside of the closet, peeking out but not taking proper steps out. And I'm feeling really lonely. When I was hiding it completely, the prospect of dating someone, having a boyfriend, was just a fantasy, but would never happen because I was hiding, not admitting I was gay. Now that I've started, I'm frustrated because that barrier has gone, but I'm still not gonna do anything about it. I'm really shy, and as I've been hiding this for so long I've never really been on a date or had a relationship, so I'm too afraid to do anything about it. And I'm alright with that sometimes, but other times I feel bad, cus I see friends dating and they're so happy, getting to know someone, and I wish I could. So frustrated!
It can be an emotional rollercoaster - I've certainly found that to be true. I'm not sure I can give much advice though - but I can reassure you that you're certainly not alone in feeling like that. I certainly feel lonely and that there's no hope that I'll ever meet someone too... Like all my friends seem to have managed. (*hug*) does your college have a GBLT society of any kind?
Oh man, I can completely relate. I came out to two of my friends and the beginning of this month, and to my parents this past weekend....it is definitely stressful and induces a crazy emotional rollercoaster. I don't know if this is good advice or not, but here's my opinion: your plan sounds good. Don't think of it as clinging in the closet. Coming out is stressful as hell and takes a toll on you....so take it slow....really slow, and if exams and stuff are gonna be crazy, then by all means take a break on the coming out. Like you I thought it would be this epic moment where you admit your gay to one person and then that's it...but it's really not like that. As for the whole bf thing...again, I feel ya. Basically you can fantasize about being in a relationship with a man, and how awesome it's gonna be....but when you try to actually picture it (in terms of getting out there in the real world and finding someone)...it's a) stressful as hell, and b) seems unreal. I say just relax and realize that there are a lot of people going through the same thing, or who have gone through the same thing. You only came out for the first time a week ago...it's gonna take more time before you feel "normal" again. I think as you start to come more out of the closet, you'll become more comfortable with your sexuality and things will get easier. I hope that helps a little! We're all in this together so be sure to visit this place often and keep us posted on how things are going!
Can we change that to read: We all crawl before we walk, and walk before we run. Don't expect to 'run' right away now that the closet door is open. I think many of us were in the same position as you. We weren't comfortable dating when we were younger. And now that we can understand why (because we've been gay all along) we're having to figure this stuff out later in life. So start slow. Continue to get comfortable with who you are. You'll be most attractive to someone if you're happy, confident, and comfortable with who you are. Beating yourself up because you're single doesn't help you be any of those things. Instead, hang out with friends, make new friends, join clubs or attend events. Don't do these things with the intention of meeting a boyfriend. Just do them to meet people in general, make connections, feel comfortable in your own skin - perhaps for the first time. THAT is how you'll end up meeting someone. At least that's my hope for you. Good luck.
