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My life is a mess

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by GreysAnatomyfan, Mar 1, 2017.

  1. GreysAnatomyfan

    Regular Member

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    I am a 24 yr old gay closeted Pakistani Muslim who still lives with his parents.
    I have fought with my sexuality in my teens. I knew I was gay, instead of accepting myself I focused on my studies to distract myself from my sexuality. This made matters worst making me depressed. But carried on with life focusing on my degree. Got my degree from university. Didn't know what career path I wanted to go into, so while searching for what I wanted to do got myself a part time job and finally thought I need to accept who I am and explore with my sexuality. I installed dating apps had a few hook ups and got myself a boyfriend. It wasn't a perfect relationship, he was "partnered" in a complicated relationship with another man and I in the closet. I thought I was happy as I finally thought I found the career that I wanted and had a boyfriend. But none of it was really true I was still depressed. I knew I was clinging on a career so that if I ever came out of the closet and disowned and thrown out of my parents house, at least I have something to fall back on. I quit my job as I was feeling more and more depressed. I ended my relationship after a year together, looking at it from the outside it wasn't working and for some reason when I imagined my future I saw with a woman even though I'm not attracted to them. Been jobless for 3 months in the closet depressed with suicdal thoughts. Managed to see my GP who has given me antidepressants which I am afraid of taking, and has given a number for counselling which I still haven't rang. I'm not financially stable so feel like I'm not ever going to come out. Past week I have been looking at real life gay romantic stories and wanting their lives. This was like a wake up call to finally put my shit together. I finally came out to my younger brother who has accepted me. That's a start. Until I move out of my parents house and think that's finally come out to them.

    Sorry for the ramble, just needed to get some of what I'm feeling out and be heard
     
  2. Anonymous777

    Regular Member

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    Best of luck to you my friend! I am deeply in the closet myself and know exactly how you feel not wanting to come out to your parents. I too imagine my future with a woman, not a man. Yet I don't feel sexually attracted to them anymore.. I am trying to focus on work for the time being. We will find peace and happiness one day my friend. Keep on keeping on.