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Coming out to parents -- again (sorry for length!)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Jem29, Apr 18, 2009.

  1. Jem29

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    Hi everyone.

    I was directed to this website by a friend and, after a week or so of reading all your incredible stories, I'm ready to finally come out to my parents. There's a wee bit of backstory here... I'm sorry it's so long. :confused: If you're in a rush, can I suggest skipping to the letter at the bottom? :slight_smile:

    When I was 15 I got into a relationship with someone I'd met online. He was two years older than me and already in a relationship. I met and befriended them both online and had no intentions of becoming romantically entangled, but we all met up in London and had a good time. After that, this particular boy, Rob, told me that he was interested in me.

    It's embarrassing that my first role in a relationship was as "the other man." I liked Rob's boyfriend and didn't want to hurt him. Nevertheless, they split up and it was all a bit of a mess (the less said about that the better, perhaps). Ironically, I've spoken to Rob's ex a lot more than I have to Rob in the last few years and he tells me that I did him a favour. But I'm jumping ahead of myself.

    Obviously I wasn't out to my parents at this time, but I was spending a lot of time with Rob. He was fully out and wanted me to be so too, so I came out to my brother for him. That went fine. We didn't discuss it at length -- we didn't really have much of a chance before the whole thing ended, as he was at uni.

    My mum had cottoned on that something was going on. I was spending a lot of time with Rob, either at mine or on the phone. She also walked in on us several times, when we were making out and we'd hastily cover up the situation. One day after he had left to go home she was talking to my brother on MSN, asking him what was happening. He told her that she should probably talk to me about that. She began to freak out a bit and got angry. I'm not sure where the anger stemmed from -- she's not religious, I just think she was in shock a bit.

    So after that it was all a bit weird. My parents would spend a lot of time out of the house at weekends. Rob would still come over, but my mum would get angry after he left, saying he was rude and unpleasant. In all fairness, he was nervous to talk to her. It was all rather uncomfortable. I wanted Rob around when my brother came back from uni for Christmas, so that he could meet him. The parents didn't want that, which is understandable in retrospect. Still, I felt pretty crushed. I love my parents a lot and having them angry at me or -- even worse -- ignoring me, was pretty brutal.

    As this was going on, my relationship with Rob was starting to decline. I saw it as his fault -- he wanted me to come out, plus he was starting to show his true colours. He'd demand that I call him every night, he'd moan that I wasn't paying him enough attention and almost every time we'd talk he'd find something for us to argue about. Overall, not the best Christmas ever.

    So I broke it off with him early the next year. My confidence and self esteem had taken a great hit. I was about to start the last two years of high school. I went to an all boy's school, but the final two years had a female population so my parents persuaded me that this would be the perfect opportunity to try not liking boys and seeing what girls had to offer. Except, my experience left me scarred and completely uninterested in having another relationship and I haven't had one in the six years since then.

    (I'm sorry this is SO long...)

    It's taken me a while, but I think I'm finally back where I was when I was 15. Happy with myself and my homosexuality (if that's what it is -- a lack of experimentation has me wondering, but if so then so be it :slight_smile:) and ready to stop being lonely again. Everyone in my family has forgotten what happened six years ago. Either that, or they've decided it was a phase. So I'm preparing to come out. Again. This time on my terms.

    I'm heading back up to university on Tuesday for the last three weeks before I graduate. I plan on leaving a letter behind when I catch my train. I've written it out, and I've pasted it below (as if this post wasn't long enough already...). It's a pretty scary thought, having it sit on the counter waiting for them to get home. Knowing that when I leave the house, there's no turning back. I can't change my mind on a train halfway across the country.

    I'd appreciate peoples' thoughts on the letter. I've read it so many times now, that it's starting to lose all meaning at this point. In the last few days, since I first wrote it I've just wanted to show them, but I'm forcing myself to wait until I leave. I can't bear to see their immediate reaction -- not again. I'm preparing for the worst but, having written this post out, even, I can see that their reaction six years ago wasn't as bad as it felt. Even though it felt like the end of the world.

    Here's the letter:

     
  2. Mickey

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    I think your letter is great. Most of us here,that have come out,know just how hard it is.
    I think your letter says it all. I hope you get the response you're looking for.
    Remember,we're all here,cheering you on and we'll be here,no matter how it turns out.
    I wish you the best. Please,let us know how it goes,we really do care.
     
  3. beckyg

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    Its a great letter! Go for it! :slight_smile:
     
  4. Thisisnew

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    Good job on the letter I think it's great.
     
  5. Jem29

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    Thanks guys, I appreciate it. Having decided to go ahead with it I already feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. Not much, but enough to give me an appetite for more. Tuesday seems simultaneously years away and much too soon.
     
  6. Coldflame

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    Not only is the letter wonderfully written, but it also conveys your care and love for your parents, as well as your confidence. I don't believe I could have written one even half as well as you.
     
    #6 Coldflame, Apr 19, 2009
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2009
  7. Pvand

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    Your letter is wonderful and amazingly well written. It moved me, eventhough I don't know you.

    You seem like the kind of person who has a lot of love to give. I wish you all the best!! Good luck!
     
  8. Jim1454

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    Great letter. Good luck!
     
  9. Elesbian47

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    You did a wonderful job writing the letter. Wish my coming out could've gone like that.
     
  10. Jem29

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    You're all much too kind!

    I'm heading back to uni tomorrow, so my feet are starting to feel a bit cold. Too late to turn back now, though. :slight_smile:
     
  11. -Michael-

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    Tears In My Eyes!
     
  12. Jem29

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    So I just got off the phone with my mum.

    Is pretty much the gist of it. I think I'm in shock a bit, which is ironic because I was expecting to have to talk my shocked parents down. I've imagined that phone conversation a hundred times since I wrote out my letter, but I never thought it would go like that.

    It's almost a bit anticlimactic. I can understand why some people feel weird and lost after coming out. But the most important thing is that I've done it. Just got to let it all sink in...

    Couldn't really have gone much better, but I'd be lying if I wasn't hoping for a little more over-the-topness. More instances of the word "proud" and "love". A little crying, perhaps? No, I'm being silly. It really couldn't have gone much better.
     
  13. Astaroth

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    Yeah, coming out reactions can be tricky. I think she (and your dad presumably) reacted admirably. They were calm, rational, and more than anything: supportive. That's exactly what you want a coming out reaction to be. Of course, we psych ourselves up for hysterics and verbal jousting, but if you think about it, I think you'd be MORE disappointed had she called and wanted to argue things with you because it would have proven to you that she wasn't as mentally mature as you'd hoped. The fact that she was fine with it (and had been for a while now) is proof that it was really just a case of over-preparation on your part, but that's fine. Better to be over-prepared than under. Just give it a few weeks to simmer down because you'll probably feel a bit drained for a while considering she sort of took the wind out of the sails you've been preparing for a long while now. Eventually, things will just move on and coming out will be more of a fond memory than any sort of disappointment. Congrats!
     
  14. Wow, that was a very inspiring read! It looks like you are fully confident in your own shoes, which I admire. I wish I could be as confident as you, but it will take weeks or moths for me to be truly accepting of myself. Sorry if you don't understand a word I've just said. I'm very tired.
     
    #14 AlexPatrickMorrissey, Apr 21, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 21, 2009
  15. Coldflame

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    Hmmm, well I don't think being called a "stupid idiot" is EXACTLY what you want from a coming-out reaction, I agree that this was a wonderful one none the less. I'm glad things went well for you!
     
  16. Jem29

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    No, no. There was no malice. The tone was perfect. It was as if she'd called me a "silly boy." Which I am, for worrying so much. In fact, I'm almost embarrassed to have written the letter and making such a big deal out of it.

    It's a strange adjustment to make. For years I've wrestled with these thoughts and desires, dreading that my parents would find out. Now I'm told that it's not only acceptable, it's expected of me. That's going to take some major getting used to.

    I'm glad you think so. I couldn't have done it without having first read countless coming out stories on this forum. Two weeks ago I had no intention of writing a letter, but something about reading peoples' tales (good AND bad) gives you a massive boost. I'm not as confident as you might think, I just got to the point where I was fed up enough to change things. Even though things haven't really changed... :lol:
     
  17. BitterEdge

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    great letter....keep us updated.
     
  18. JakeBHT

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    Great letter, might have to nick it and edit it for me!!!!!!!!!!
    You sound as nervouse as I feel about it.
    Keep me posted
     
  19. Magnet

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    Good job. The letter sounds grate :slight_smile: